Exiting Domestic Abuse: Not Easy, but it IS Possible

I was caught in an abusive relationship, so surely if I’d have had any sense, I’d have followed a straight-forward, 4-step plan:

Step 1) Phone my friend/mum and get some lodgings sorted.

Step 2) Pack the essentials.

Step 3) Put my shoes on.

Step 4) Walk to the front door, open it, walk through it, close the front door … job done.

How difficult was that?

But leaving isn’t as simple as it sounds, not for women OR men who are caught in abuse. There are complications that lock people in, leaving them with few places to turn to and giving them limited options for getting out.

What would you say, if I told you, that instead of seeing your children every day as you now do, your time with them will be immediately reduced to every other fortnight at best, and that there may be long periods of time when you don’t see them at all?
What would you say if I then told you, that you will spend months in the family courts spending thousands of pounds just to establish some kind of contact with your children, because any kind of contact would be better than none?
What would you say if I then told you that your children will mostly be cared for and raised by someone who you know to be abusive, and who hates you?
What would you do if your finances are controlled by your abuser, you have no way of accessing money and you’re isolated from family and friends? You have young children to take with you, but whilst their home life is tough and they’re at risk, they are settled at school.

These are the issues, which any loving father or mother caught in an abusive relationship must consider if he/she is thinking about leaving … but there’s more!

What if the victim is in two minds over whose fault the abuse is?

On a rational day, he/she knows it’s not normal to feel sick every time his/her partner is annoyed: the late arrival home from work, the broken wine glass, the noisy children creating a mess … these are trivial issues and trivial issues shouldn’t cause; a dry throat, sweaty palms, rapid breathing, even chest pains. This just isn’t normal.

But on a less rational day, he’s a loser, a wimp and never measures up to the other ‘real’ men … or she’s a waste of space and has let herself go: she’s not as pretty as the lady across the road.

If only he could be wiser and stronger, then the abuse might stop … if only she’d make more of an effort with her appearance.

Self doubt leads to self hatred and victims start to believe they deserve the abuse.

Magically inventing the confidence to leave isn’t so simple now, is it?

And plagued with self-doubt, you remind that a good parent lays down their life for their children, so that’s it, you’re staying, you have to make the best of it: keep a stiff upper lip and all that and then, here comes the amazingly brilliant lie, the lie which is so seductive and which keeps people trapped for years … WHEN & THEN.

WHEN the kids are older, THEN I’ll leave.

WHEN I’m stronger and better prepared, THEN I’ll leave.

So you put it off, because WHEN & THEN are among the most effective self-delusional traps known to man or beast, but you keep wrestling with the truth … that leaving is the only correct option … it eats away at you.

So when it’s all swirling around your head and you don’t know what’s true and what’s false, consider the 4 truths below.

There are costs if you leave BUT … there are costs if you stay: your mental health, your physical health, your safety and the kids safety. And of course, they will grow up to see an abusive relationship between their parents as the norm, thus increasing their chances of becoming entangled in an abusive relationship when they become adults (as the victim or the abuser).
Once the dynamic in a relationship is set, that dynamic is SET and it’s very difficult to change it. If you stay, the relationship WON’T get better, in most cases it will get worse.
Once the concept of ‘leaving’ eats away at you as a potential option, it won’t stop eating you up until you leave.
The grass really is greener on the other side of the hill, it’s just you have to crawl through the slime and the mud to get there. As you battle the slime, a gale will blow and driving rain will weigh you down. But eventually, and just when you think you have nothing left, the sun comes out and you move onto more even ground. You keep trudging forward and eventually you get to those lush green pastures.

If you want OUT of an abusive relationship and you’ve realised you must leave due to; personal safety, long term mental well-being, the sake of the kids, then I suggest the following steps.

Talk to someone you absolutely trust. Form a plan of what you will do and when you will do it, but do not write that plan down, simply memorise it step-by-step. Have such conversations with your trusted person out of the house, you just never know: walls and cars have ears! Your abuser might be out, but there are other ways of listening in to your phone calls. There’s the garden shed I suppose, or the walk to the post office etc.
Understand that successful exit plans require support role players who can back you with practical and emotional support. Get them ready. (If they’re not ready, your closest friends, Barbara and Bob might have booked a romantic weekend away just as you’re planning your exit and you need them to be around for you)
Digital stalking is so easy for abusers who are tech savvy. Read up on the latest stalking techniques. What do abusers do to keep track of what their victims are doing/saying using the latest technology/apps? Do not read up on this stuff at home or on your own devices/laptop. Use work computers, a friends device …
Talk to a lawyer. The time to deal with a lawyer is before not after. Ensure your plan has been thought through from a legal perspective. Injunctions? Changing the locks? Do you leave? Or stay but change the locks when he/she is at work? Where do you stand legally? What about the kids? If you’re likely to be the non resident parent, what do you need to do to ensure a good level of contact from the very beginning of your separation?
Know where your valuable items are: passport, documentation. Packed bags are a bit obvious, but you may not have much time to safely gather your things, so know where they are.
Research the digital tools which could help you log your abuser’s offences. It’s easier for the police if they have precise dates and times. There are apps for your phone which look like a calculator/cookery app, but which are password protected and behind which, you can log events. This must be done with extreme care.
If you fear for your immediate physical safety, you have to get out fast/yell for help.
Understand it will be absolutely SH*T for a while, but you will rebuild, you will get through it and it will be worth it when you come out the other side.
Connect with local domestic abuse survivor groups who can signpost and support you. Groups that offer face-to-face support and people to be on the end of the phone are more helpful than many of the smaller Facebook groups, which become places to rant, rather than repair! In the UK, consider getting in touch with support groups such Women’s Aid, Refuge UK and, for men, check out The Mankind Initiative.
If you fear for the safety of your children, you need to get them out immediately and seek help. As an absolute last resort, what could you use to defend yourself/them, and where are these items located?
Understand this: abusers will continue to exert control once you’re gone. It doesn’t change, but as time passes, their ability to exert control diminishes. You will repair … and their influence will lessen … eventually.
The best time to leave is when your abuser is not there and you have time to do what you need to do and can leave in a controlled fashion. Same goes for changing the locks. When do you have the most amount of time at home, when he/she is not there?
Tell your employer what is happening. They should have domestic abuse policies to ensure best practice. Fact is, the impact on your working performance may be significant although temporary. Always best to keep your employer informed so they can look out for your welfare and cut your some slack. (for superb domestic abuse policies, check out Robert Wells at https://www.d-a-b-s.co.uk/)