Children learn from their environment and by the example of the adults around them. We do the best we can in raising empathic and caring individuals, but external persuasions can also come into play when children are forming their opinions. The following story is about my attempt to intercept when my son was influenced by classmate with different views on racism than our own.
Tonight my son and I were eating dinner, and he said to me, Mommy, did you know that black people keep complaining that white people are racists, and they have websites with Black Lives Matter on them? They talk about being discriminated against, but there is no such thing as discrimination anymore.
I was upset by the statement he made and confused because this topic had never been discussed in our home.
My son has been exposed to various cultures and races since he was small, and one thing we don’t do is judge people and promote hate. We have friends from different cultures, races, and ethnicities.
We relocated to the Southeast two years ago from the San Francisco area, which is highly diverse. My son’s school in California was about forty percent Asian, and it seemed like every culture and race was represented there. Where we live now is not as diverse.
I asked, where did you hear this? He said at school. He’s in fifth grade and has been learning about the civil war and slavery, so I understand why children may be discussing race.
Who was saying this? I inquired. He told me, a kid, at school. I was curious, and although I knew the answer, I asked what color their skin was? I have never asked my child about the skin color of friends before. He paused and said, well, white. I said I think the child’s parents may be racist. His eyes opened wide, and he said, really?
I mentioned that people say that racism, racial profiling, and discrimination doesn’t happen anymore, but it does. He said it does? Yes, I continued, I want to tell you what happened last week.
I explained to him the story about when I was in a jewelry store. The sales associate was very attentive. He was commenting on how lovely my jewelry was, and I’m sure he was sizing me up and deciding how much I could spend by the purse I had and the way I was dressed.
I told my son that while I was there, an African American man walked in. Another salesperson approached him and asked him what he was looking for. She seemed nice to him, but I could tell he was treated differently.
I said the next thing I knew, there was a man that walked out of the office with a window that overlooked the main store, and he had a gun on his hip. When I saw the gun, I got startled and felt uncomfortable.
I could see my son was closely listening to my story. I told him that the guard with the gun walked past the black man and made sure that his weapon was visible. The whole scene there made me uneasy, and I didn’t even want to do business after that.
I then asked my son if a white man walked in, do you think they would have done that? He said probably not. I responded that I didn’t think so either.
I explained to him that’s what racial profiling is. The man didn’t do anything wrong to warrant the way he was treated. They judged this man because of the color of his skin. He said, oh wow, that’s crazy. I said yes, and this still happens all the time.
I’m going to tell you another story, I said. When I was about eight, I lived in a very diverse neighborhood. I was outside playing with my friends. We were shaking a street sign. I was the only white girl, and my friends were all black.
A police officer passed in his car and started to yell at us. He said that he could arrest us, then he looked at me and told me to go home.
Why do you think he let me go? My son said because your skin was white? I said yes, that’s what is called white privilege. I explained that white privilege doesn’t mean that you grew up with a lot of money or opportunities, because I didn’t. White people have privileges that black people don’t have because of their skin color. I didn’t get in trouble like my friends did because I was white. The policeman treated me differently, and I was given a free pass.
My friends got yelled at and escorted home by the policeman because he judged them by their skin color. Do you understand now and see how wrong this is? He said, wow, yes.
I asked him whether he thought that the way the man in the jewelry store was treated was right? He said absolutely not. It wasn’t right at all, I said, what about how my friends were treated? He said no, that wasn’t right either.
The final story I want you to know is about what happened to Miss Sanaya recently, I said. Oh no, not Miss Sanaya! I love her. She’s like the nicest person in the world, he exclaimed. I know she is, and I love her too, I said.
Sanaya is a dear friend who is originally from Sri Lanka. She has been in this country for about thirty-five years. Although she does have an accent, she speaks English very well.
I explained that she was at the hospital with her mom, and the nurse came in and saw they had brown skin. The nurse was very rude to her and said do I need to get an interpreter, or do y’all speak English?
He said that makes me so mad! I know it upsets me too, I responded. My son remarked that the “stupid nurse” prejudged them and profiled them because of their skin color and how they spoke. I said exactly. He said, mommy, this is all so sad.
I want you to understand that things have improved, but we still have a long way to go. We don’t care about people’s skin color or if they are from a different culture, country, or have an accent, but some others here in America do, I explained.
I asked if he thought it was wrong for black people to say, Black Lives Matter? My son said, well, I don’t know?
I mentioned that for many years, black men have been beaten and thrown in jail without proof of committing a crime because they were profiled. Some innocent men spent their lives wrongfully accused and in prison. Did their lives matter? He said yes, their lives did matter, and that’s so wrong it happened.
I asked him if he were judged by his skin color and thrown in prison even though he didn’t commit a crime, how would he feel? He said, mommy, I would be so scared and upset. It would make me angry.
I proceeded to tell him if we say “save the whales,” does that mean we don’t care about the dolphins, sea turtles, or other sea creatures? He said, no, we love the ocean. We care about all the sea life. Exactly! I said.
I told him it’s not wrong for people of all races and cultures to want to be recognized that their lives matter. When people say Black Lives Matter, it doesn’t mean that white lives, Asian lives, Hispanic lives, etc., don’t matter. I asked him if he understood, and he said yes, I get it now.
I said, Do you think the child at school was accurate in what they told you? He answered that he believed they might be learning to be racist and hateful. I think so too, I muttered.
My son’s final thoughts were that it’s such a terrible thing that because of the melanin in someone’s skin, those people didn’t have rights and were made to feel that they weren’t as important, were bad people, and they didn’t matter.
This conversation on racism with my son was one I never thought to have since he has been exposed to our diverse group of friends. I assumed it wasn’t needed because he was taught to value and accept everyone.
But after hearing my child parrot back to me what another kid told him, I wanted him to comprehend that he needs to use his own judgment and values. He must understand that other children are products of what they are being told at home. Just because someone tells him something, it doesn’t mean it’s correct.
I realize now that this needs to be an ongoing dialog because there will always be outside influences such as kids at school, their parents, acquaintances, television, the internet, or publications that can impact our children’s perceptions.
Children aren’t born knowing hate; it is learned. I hope that by having this exchange with my son, he will continue to accept and embrace people of all races and ethnicities. I also hope that he will intercede if he sees that another person is being unfairly treated because of the color of their skin.
The conversation between my son and I ironically happened the evening before Martin Luther King Day. I chose five quotes that I included below. I read them to my son tonight so that he understands what Martin Luther King, Jr. stood for and why he is so important in American history.
I wanted him to recognize that Dr. King was a profound speaker, educator, and visionary for unity and peace. I believe that if we all do our part and keep the conversation about race open, one day, Martin Luther King’s vision will come to fruition.
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Previously Published on medium
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