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Over 20 years ago, I was in the final stage of my Nidan test for 2nd-degree black belt in Aikido. I was dead tired. I had weathered over 40 minutes of throwing other black belts who are much bigger, much stronger than I am, attacking with their bare hands or with weapons. The final stage was randori.
In randori, multiple people rush in to grab your wrists, arms, shoulders. So basically, multiple attackers grab you wherever they can, for as long as you let them. I have to evade the attack, run or throw kokyunage “breath throw”. All this happens within the span of about 2 or 3 minutes. Eventually, you will gas out. Get caught by everyone. The End. My fear: I really sucked at randori. Rather, I wasn’t yet as good as I wanted to be. Randori was not my strong suit.
I sat there in seiza, sitting on my calves, as the other black belts lined up sitting ready to attack. In my 1st-degree black belt test, three others attacked me. So I expected similar. My dear friend Assistant Chief Instructor Bobby called out 4 people for randori. I thought, “Ok, cool!”
Then Bobby surveyed the Dojo landscape, and then called out for one more black belt. 5 black belts were now ready to attack. “Oh, fuck!” I was scared.
No, this was not a “real” fight at all. It was as close to real as possible. These guys attacking were all about 6 feet tall. Much bigger and stronger. Randori lasts for 3 minutes or less which seems like an eternity on the mat.
I experienced overwhelming fear. “What if I fail?” “What if I look stupid?” “Maybe, I’m not good enough?” “What if I disappoint Sensei and Bobby?”
Bobby clapped his hands to signal. It was on! Everyone attacked all at once. I took the outside guy to my right and threw him. I threw the next guy to my left. Then I ducked under the next guy coming to grab. I threw one person at a time. I did one throw at a time. I knew eventually that I would get so fucking tired that everyone would collapse upon me. Oh yeah, that’s how it ended. Not pretty. Though the middle looked pretty good. No, I was not Jason Statham in one of his “Transporter” action movies.
The outcome was by design. Randori is not about winning, not about losing. It’s a test of character. Who are you when the game’s on? The final test of being present. At the conclusion, I was so fucking tired. I was also so proud of what I accomplished.
I was proud of who I was in the face of my fear. I was frightened to my soul. Being with my fear, I focused in taking one step at a time. Breathe. Complete the first thing, then move onto the next. And the next. Exhale. Keep moving forward. Be present.
In the larger perspective my life is finite, hopefully lasting longer than 3 minutes. The wise strong Sensei from France said, “Move into the attack, and die with honor.” We can all live with honor in being with our fear, whatever that looks like. Discard who you were in the past. Invent the ‘you’ that works in the world. That you is your unique self-expression. You get to be more of you. You get to breathe.
Werner Erhard said, “To get in touch with what one fears is frightening.” Yeah, no shit. The question then becomes: “How can I be useful when I’m frightened?”
Useful gets what aspects outside of me that “I have something to do about.” Useful gets what aspects going on inside of me that “I have nothing to do about.” That is just the human design. That’s one of the many things that makes us all human. Peace comes in accepting our Human Design: Our limitations, our possibility. The blessing of humanity. Amen.
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Photo credit: Pixabay, modified