Facing the Abyss: A Journey Into the Darkness

Unfortunately, at this moment, she can’t join me on my long journey back to where I’ve been running from — to the abyss of hell. But this time, I’m not letting it consume me. I’m there to fight it head-on.

I need to reconnect with that warrior past life. I need to gather my money and do some in-depth work with her. I think I’m fully aware of the dangers — maybe not in thought — but as I write this, I feel it. I know the risk. It could ultimately destroy me.

But when you start learning about what you’ve been through, it rips every part of your existence apart — like a piranha, destroying you piece by piece. As the memories return in flashes, in glimpses, in confirmations from my sister, I realise something…

You can’t destroy what has already been destroyed.

…

Breaking Apart to Rebuild

The more I delve, the more resilience I build.

I shake. I cried uncontrollably. The sheer — I don’t even know the right word for it — terror? Horror? Reality? I don’t know how to explain it.

But I can feel myself becoming numb to it.

It’s not bothering me anymore because I’m breaking it down. I’m accepting it for what it is.

The damage has already been done. Like me, my sister said on the phone — there is nothing more that could be done to us. Nothing at all.

…

The Fear That’s Surfacing Now

But now, I’m getting very scared. Maybe it’s just the trauma coming out at this moment. I’m questioning my sanity because none of this makes sense to me.

The sound healer said I was a warrior in my past life. And I see it — this image of me now, standing alone, ready to face an army.

How are me my sister and I still here?

Why did I have to break so many times, in so many different ways, just to reach this point? Was it to give me the strength I need to face this?

…

Did He Take Everything From Me?

He took the last thing I had left — the love of my life.

Did he take that from me, too?

But I still have my son. And I have to try to repair the damage that’s been done to him.

She saw the real me. She saw my soul.

Did she also see something so dark, torturing me? Did she see an unimaginable pain in my soul but still know that all I wanted was to give and receive love? A kind but damaged soul?

…

Can I Ever Tell Her?

I don’t know if I could tell her this.

I’m scared it could fuck her head up beyond belief.

Would she fear me completely and think I was him?

If I told her about the cam girl, she would listen with her soul, with minimal defences up.

Would I ever get to tell her any of this?

Would she finally see why I was reading so much into things, why everything escalated the way it did? Why did I go straight into panic mode every time?

How, after I calmed down, I would have flashbacks of him —

I can’t remember what they were, but he was there.

…

Am I Him?

Were my actions like his?

Am I him?

Every single time, I pushed those thoughts into a box. But this time, that shit isn’t staying anywhere.

Was I acting out his traits?

All these things were running through my head, shaking me to my core. So many thoughts, so many things happening in my mind at once.

Right now, I’m questioning: Do I have psychosis?

Or is this just the truth finally surfacing?

If anyone reads this, would they think, no way is that real?

But I know it’s real.

My sister knows it’s real.

We lived it.

And now we both know — it was real.

…

Some Things Can’t Be Said Aloud

How could I tell anyone this? It would destroy them.

I need to stop. I have so much more that wants to come out, but it’s too much tonight. This just seems unimaginable.

I’ll leave a quick thought here and some reminder notes, then call it a night.

I have never believed much in theism and things, but if there was a devil, that would be my father.

He’s worse than the devil.

What Happens When the Truth Comes Out?

This is my reality. This is my fight.

Have you ever faced something so dark that it made you question your sanity? Have you ever uncovered a truth so unbearable that it made you wonder how you even survived?

If you’ve been here — if you’ve walked this line between destruction and survival — tell me…

How do you make it through?

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***