As a boy I was taught to not have emotions.
Life was a series of fights and challenges, and feelings and emotions were to be ignored.
They just got in the way.
As I grew up I continued to have these feelings, and I continued to learn how to suppress them.
When someone said something or did something which triggered my emotions, I lashed out…
I learned to build my anger into a rage, and I learned how that rage could help me force people to stop triggering my feelings.
I had learned that feelings and emotions were to be ignored, but as a man, anger was allowed.
As a guy, I learned to take pride in my anger.
Explosive anger meant manliness. Bravado. Alpha status.
But the pain was still underneath.
The more anger I displayed, the more I was hurting inside.
I just didn’t let the pain show. I didn’t display it for the world.
But inside I was falling apart.
I had emotions and feelings, and I could not stop them.
My attempts to stop them lead to alcoholism, and an abusive relationship with my wife and kids.
Because my emotions and feelings were often triggered…
And they did not understand that I must not feel.
As a man, I was not allowed to emote.
Once I crashed, I was taught to honor my feelings.
I was taught by my coach that emotions were my compass to happiness.
Every painful feeling and emotion was my body’s response to a belief or attachment…
And I could heal those by leaning in and discovering why I held those beliefs and attachments.
If I honored my emotions and feelings I could heal my anger because I am human…
…and humans have feelings and emotions.
There is strength in feeling.
There is love in feeling.
There is no strength or love in anger.
Just pain. Anger is poison.
Poison to the angry person.
An unhealthy response caused by a lack of understanding and loving oneself.
Now I feel my feelings, allowing myself to recognize when I have something in my being that needs healed.
Others who trigger emotion show me the way.
Hurt people hurt people.
When feelings and emotions are triggered, my response is gratitude, because there is an opportunity to heal.
The answers are always inside.
Never outside.
Allow your emotions and feelings to lead you to freedom.
There is freedom in the other side of pain.
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This post was previously published on mikekitko.com and is republished on Medium.
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