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I’ve been falsely accused. More than once over the years. Not for any sexual crime but of other things, and I’m not the only one. Presently quite a lot of men are secretly confiding to one another that the #believewomen trend is unnerving given the hysteria driving this movement. Secretly some men are rooting against Dr. Ford for reasons that have nothing to do with Dr. Ford. They want to prove false allegations do happen sometimes so as to preserve some safe-guards against conviction by finger pointing.
The fact is, false allegations DO happen, and the meager statistics about how “rare” they are is irrelevant. Most allegations happen in social networks and never make it to police or a therapists office, so the stats are a red herring. Even if it only happens “rarely” its still a significant trauma for the accused. Today I’m speaking to ALL THE MEN who presently have concerns about this.
Over the past 30 years spanning my youth to mid-life there have been a few accusations of malevolent, criminal or inappropriate behavior. I’ve never been indicted or ever had to defend myself in court. Still, in my experience a false accusation can be at minimum embarrassing, at most downright traumatizing. Some of my accusers were women, but at least once a serious charge was levied at me by a man. As such, I have a keen appreciation for due process.
So long as we’re committed to a Democracy, people have the right to the presumption of innocence until proven guilty. This is sort of the point of Colin Kaepernick’s National Anthem protest, isn’t it? Black people should have the right to drive, walk down the block or breathe air without being presumed guilty of something even if some white person feels like calling 911 on them. If you consider yourself a social justice warrior and an advocate for that protest then it would be great if you could be congruent and support the same rights for men who are accused of things before they’re convicted.
At the same time, it’s naive to deny the inherent inequity of our due process system, and I understand why people—especially women—usually do not come forward to report sex crimes. Believe it or not, its actually possible to advocate for women’s right to sanctity while at the same time advocating for men. Nevertheless, most men I talk to these days express a fair amount of anxiety about the prospect of being stoned to death in the public square by pointy fingers.
The other day, our increasingly unhinged president got up in front of the world saying he doesn’t believe Dr. Ford. Worse yet, he mocked her. A new low for the guy whose supporters seem to get inebriated with every new low. The lower he gets, the more stoned they become. He bases his opinion on the grounds that he’s been falsely accused “many times” by women seeking fame, money, revenge, etc. Never mind that he was famously recorded bragging that he assaults women “all the time” and gets away with it because he’s so famous “they let me”. It seems to me that should be enough to disqualify his statements.
Still, I’ve had a lot of conversations lately with men who are privately confiding they’ve also been falsely accused at some point in their lives. Sometimes this creates a non-rational knee-jerk reaction to disbelieve a woman when she comes forward. Many men are being unfairly targeted for not jumping on the #IBelieveHer or #BelieveWomen bandwagon, preferring instead for the #DontDisbelieveHer.
The Inconvenient Truth
It IS true that people sometimes make false charges against each other. Aside from my personal experiences, as a therapist I’ve witnessed female clients make false charges against men for sexual crimes for several reasons. Not often, but it happens. Over the course of 30 years, it has been a miniscule percentage, probably in line with the statistics (between 2% and 10%), but that doesn’t make it okay for me. A false accusation is no less traumatizing just because people think it’s rare.
It is also true that over the same time frame almost every single female person I’ve worked with was conditioned to experience some form of abuse on a daily basis, and most of them never report anything. As a therapist, I’ve been privy to a rare peek inside the world of women. Most of them simply chalk it up to “that’s just the way it is. Boys will be boys.”
One of the arguments I hear in Dr. Ford’s defense is “why would she make something up?” Actually, there are many reasons why people make things up and accuse each other. Sometimes its deliberate but usually it is unconscious. I’ve rarely had a (couples counseling) case where both parties weren’t levying charges at each other where it was clear to me that they were projecting unresolved childhood trauma onto each other, wanting to blame and hurt the other. It is a fact that when people have been traumatized they often see evidence of re-traumatization everywhere. There’s a solid neurological basis for that and it’s naive to pretend that never happens. In addition, we all know people who are chin-deep in victim-consciousness and see evidence of malevolence everywhere. We all know people who are always gossiping about who did what to them. We all know people who are always blaming. We all know people who are fundamentally committed to being the victim, nurturing the story, identifying with the story, and gaining secondary gains from the story.
However, when I heard Trump running down the list of all the women who’ve made false accusations at him as evidence for why we should dismiss the accuser, and hear all these guys privately parroting those words, I want to be clear: Just because an allegation is false—or cannot be proven—does not mean I didn’t INVITE the finger to be pointed at me. It doesn’t mean I had nothing to do with it. When I reflect back on each time I was falsely accused, even if I didn’t do exactly what they said I did, most of the time I can see how I provoked or participated in creating that situation. We are each RESPONSIBLE for what happens to us in our own life. My responsibility doesn’t end with proving the allegations are false.
For years I suffered by clinging to a story about how I’d been victimized by these false allegations. In one episode, I actually befriended a woman while advocating for her in the midst of her accusing a doorman at a nightclub. Within two weeks she’d pointed her finger at 2 other men in separate incidents, and within 3 weeks I’d become the 4th. It was obvious I’d run into a professional accuser, and damn straight I felt set up. However, I couldn’t get FREE until I was able to see how I INFLUENCED that by the feelings, energy, words & actions I brought into a situation. There are times I’ve gone out into the world carrying some irrational resentment, anger or sense of betrayal and I AM ACCOUNTABLE for what that energy creates in the world.
I have never been a victim. Once I left childhood and became responsible for my life I can’t say I’ve ever been victimized by anybody. My feelings and beliefs influence behaviors and outcomes. If you’re too concrete to entertain this idea, you’ll suffer the pain of sitting inside the prison of your own victim consciousness forever.
The most liberated person I’ve ever met was a woman named Lakshmi Barsel. She was walking down 5th Avenue one day when the wind blew a sheet of glass off a building. It careened down to the street where she was walking by and sliced her leg in half. For the rest of her life she walks with a cane. If ever there was an example of an innocent victim, she was it. Yet though she walked with a limp, she appeared as light and graceful as a ballerina. She floats as if on a magic carpet made of peace. She was light because she was devoid of any bitterness. One day I asked her how she found peace after that. Her answer gave me a key to one of the most regal doors in the universe: (paraphrase) “I realized that the glass was FOR me. I don’t know why or what I did but it happened to me, so I accepted it as part of my creation. Maybe it was my karma from a past life. Maybe it was my karma because of thoughts & feelings I had swirling around inside of me. All I know was that it happened FOR me, not TO me. It was mine.”
I didn’t get FREE until I asked, in reflecting on the accusations I’ve received, “How did I invite this? How is this my creation? What energy did I put out that was part of creating this scenario?” Taking responsibility for THAT and the outcomes it produces becomes the gateway to peace. Once I did that, when I looked back at my accusers, rather than resentment all I felt was a desire to apologize and make amends for my part in that.
There are many ways to be accountable for past behavior. It doesn’t always look like a public statement. Sometimes a face-to-face amends can re-wound a person. Sometimes the climate is so punitive and hostile, it is safer to find an alternative method. Sometimes it is as simple as making a “living amends”, as in modifying behavior with intention. Either way, if being falsely accused is part of your pattern, the most reasonable thing to do is be honest with yourself: How am I inviting this into my life? What am I putting out that’s creating this outcome? Taking ownership of this is the first step to freedom.
#DontDisbelieveHer #ItsME #ICreateMyOutcomes #ConsciousMasculinity #IveBeenAccused
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photo credit: Pixabay