Familiarity Kept Me in a Failing Marriage

I ran into a guy I know. He mentioned something about his last child graduating. It was laced with innuendo. He immediately corrected himself.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have framed it that way.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I get it.”

I recognized his struggle.

It’s not uncommon.

A lot of people, especially men, wait until their children graduate high school to leave a marriage. I could sense he was pondering this decision. He reigned himself in before he overtly said it.

I’d run into him years earlier.

I knew things weren’t right.

He no longer wore his signature smile. It seemed forced. He was absent of his typical exterior, and interior energy. He didn’t confide his relationship issues but he didn’t have to.

It’s why I understood his current innuendo.

Some people remain in unhappy marriages for the children. Some people remain in unhappy marriages out of fear of the unknown. Some people remain in unhappy marriages for security. Some people remain in unhappy marriages out of a sense of obligation.

Some people remain in unhappy marriages out of love.

I thought I remained out of love.

In truth, I remained out of familiarity.

I told myself I loved my husband. I told myself I wanted to keep our family together. I told myself I didn’t want to disrupt the life we had built.

I was afraid to leave the familiar.

Even though it had become unhealthy.

Our love had become terribly unhealthy.

There was little left of it. It was a word. It was a belief. It was a want. It was a wish. But it wasn’t a sustainable love. It was the familiarity of being with someone I had known since I was a teenager.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t somehow still love him.

I did.

Despite, the illusion, and the unhealthiness of it.

But I remained because he was familiar. I stayed because there’s a comfort even in an ‘unhealthy’ familiar. It’s the pair of pants you’ve outgrown but you can’t throw out.

You tell yourself one day they will fit again.

You hold onto them for what they represent.

Because you haven’t felt what it’s like to wear them for a long time.

I hadn’t worn love in years.

I only knew a casual comfort. It’s what I’d become accustomed to. It was a life that was recognizable to me. It was an unceremonious attachment. It was everyday.

It was what I knew.

It was hard to leave.

It was hard to force myself to become uncomfortable.

I’m not a risk-taker.

Despite the recent reposado (tequila) that had me promising my friend I’d skydive, or get a tattoo on my birthday. I’ll avoid the reposado on my actual birthday so I can remain anti-risk.

But I did gamble with my relationship.

The continued threat of misery was worth a divorce.

It was worth escaping the familiar.

Some people remain in unhappy marriages until the time is right. Some people remain for a variety of other reasons. But some people stay for a ridiculously simple reason.

The unhappy marriage is what’s familiar.

The unceremonious attachment that is everyday.

It’s what we know.

Anything else, seems risky.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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