Fear, My Filthy Lover

Fear…

It was full in me. I was saturated by it, dazed by its ever-tightening hold on me.

I had become so close to it, so in love and lust, I didn’t realize that it had me.

Of course, I let the world get to me. I let it open the door to fear by making assumptions, excuses, and unfair judgements.

Fear seduced me, tempted me, took my face and caressed me into a trance that took hold of my heart and left me nailed to the crucifix to which my soul would slowly bleed from me.

I was draped by it, run dry of fluid and essence.

I was losing myself to it, indulging in the relief it gave me from responsibility, value, and the sophistication of my higher self.

And once it has taken all life from you, then and only then, can you see the only thing Fear has left for you to see:

Your overwhelming likeliness to fade into obscurity.

The greatest of sins.

…

“Fear, you bitch.

You provocative succubus. You seductive, sexy dominatrix.

You promised me all that which I cannot resist.

Sanctuary, comfort, uncomplicated happiness.

And gave it to me.

I fell for you. Gave into the love you promised me.

Desperate I was, in a frantic flee to free myself from courageous action, speaking my Truth, and attempting to create something good.”

….

“What seductive freedom you gave me.

What a glorious, orgasmic intensity.

It released the inferno coming from my heart, iced the agony coming from my soul, and melted the mania from my mind. A liberty from all the binds and shackles of just being.

I no longer had to be anything, not even me.”

…

“But, something hasn’t felt right…

There is a heaviness to this so called freedom, this ravenous exile you’ve given me.

What could this be?

What is the void that seems to growing inside of me?

What is the darkness shrouding all I used to see?

Could it be?”

…

“What an unfathomable ruse you’ve played.

In the fine lines of contract, you stole from me.

You stole my courage. You stole my love for effort and occupation. You stole what I am, what I knew, what I shared.

Then replaced it with temporary, overpowering solace. Artificial joy. Heathenish, insatiable thirst for the primal desires. For gluttony and sloth. The shameful and demeaning.

Clothed in your finest, hiding its true, dark, demented nature.

You blinded me from what was to come.

Crucified me to some weathered cross with dull nails and left me naked.

I hang open, lashed and flayed.

You’ve ripped from me my own soul, and left me empty.

Drained.

And nothing but hate and misery has stayed.

You knew this would happen, didn’t you?”

…

“But, Fear, I see you now.

Even near this death.

Even with shallowed breath and burning eyes, I see you.

Truth has summoned me. He stands at the foot of my post, right in front of me.

He has ripped the veil in which you shrouded me. The tattered rags in which you bound to me.

He’s given me back the sight you tore from me.

It’s shown me what was, what could be, what still lives in me.

Divine Truth, the gladiator who smites all monsters and demons.

All those that threaten the world with fear and temptation and shadow.

All lies and deceptions.

Only Truth could set me free.”

…

“Truth, the father of sacrifice and wisdom.

The provider of motive and clarity.

He has come to stop my bleeding. He has come to help me see my error, to revive my soul, to extract the rusty nails that hold me to this rotting cross.

And now I stand in the blood before me, the pool of viscous crimson at my feet, still beating with the remnants of my soul.

I can pick up it’s pieces, stop the bleeding, secure my wounds, and walk away.”

…

“This I take from you, Fear.

I take what is rightfully mine.

Fuck the contract. Fuck your devil’s deal.

Send the hellhounds and all the shadow.

I shall face them daringly, and drive them back to Hell.

I fear you Fear, no more.

Only the long night of ambiguity.”

…

“I remember why I’m here.

I remember who I am, what I spoke, and who I loved.

But now I’m something more.

Some silver lining you’ve given me.

More real. Robust. Defined and distinct.

I now know what I’m for, what awaits me, and those in need.”

…

“So I follow Truth, again.

He leads me to peace and presence and devotion.

He takes my hand and tells me to believe.

He says to love and labour. That my soul will once again be mine.

He says make those I love happy and safe and whole.

He says you lied to me. Preyed on me. Gave me what I thought I wanted, and stole from me.

But no more.”

…

“I see the cross that held me falling away to a distant horizon.

I march sturdily from it, and your dark delusions.

Goodbye, Fear, my foul and filthy lover.

My succulent, sexy whisperer.

My honeypot of indulgence and guilty pleasure.

My devotional, dark devil.

I leave you to die a traitor’s death…

Farewell.”

…

Truth and Love, Reader.

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