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My older two were bickering and wrestling in the kitchen. They’d started kicking and getting rowdy. Even as I inserted myself between them, they continued to flail and hurl insults.
As I separated them — one boy in each headlock — I said, “You know, I read about a mom who had her kids sit down across from each other and write five nice things about each other when they were arguing like this.”
They didn’t ask me where I read this tidbit. I was glad I didn’t have to disclose that I regularly peruse parenting books, websites, and poll other moms like it’s my second job.
I could tell by the exaggerated and pained expression on his face that my oldest thought the idea was ridiculous. My middle son, however, slithered out of my grasp and sat down at the kitchen table. He immediately began writing on the mini whiteboard we use to leave notes like “I’m on a conference call” or to do math homework (instead of using loose-leaf paper that ends up balled and tossed who-knows-where like every other ball in the house).
My youngest joined his brother at the table and watched silently as he wrote without hesitation.
I had relaxed my grip on Oldest and now held him in a firm hug.
“You can’t think of anything nice to say about your brother?” I asked him.
“Nope.”
“C’mon… look at all the nice things he’s saying about you! He loves you!”
Middle was writing fast and furiously.
“No, he doesn’t.”
“Of course he does! Just last night, I heard him say, ‘I love you, man,’ at the dinner table.”
“Hmph!” Oldest wouldn’t budge.
His brother, on the other hand, didn’t miss a beat. His Love Tank must have been pretty full.
The “Love Tanks” were real gauges we made with colored paper, arrows, markers, and brads. More than just a cute craft, they became a communication tool my boys and I used to check their emotional bandwidth and signal what kind of support or space they needed.
There were smaller gauges for hunger and tiredness, too. The goal wasn’t just to track moods, though. It was to open the door to conversation when the right words felt hard to find.
Middle filled the whiteboard with the requisite five compliments: “you’re cool,” “you’re sometimes nice,” “you’re awesome,” “you’re smart,” “you’re sometimes kind.” He didn’t even get mad at me when I corrected his grammar from “your” to “you’re.”
Because his older brother wasn’t participating, Youngest and I started singing Middle’s praises.
“He has a loving heart,” I offered.
Youngest looked at me, and I continued, “He’s quick to forgive.”
“Yeah, he’s awesome,” Youngest joined in.
“He’s a good athlete.”
“Yeah, he’s awe some.”
“He has really good handwriting, too.”
“Yeah, his writing is… awe SOME!”
Oldest began grumbling, so we tossed a few compliments his way, too.
“You’re good at sports.”
“Yeah, you’re a really awesome football player!”
“You’re an excellent student, too.”
“Yeah…”
For the grand finale, Middle summed up our last two compliments and wrote, “you’re good at both,” making it six compliments — 20% more than required.
“I have to do my homework,” Oldest said, and disappeared into the living room.
Later, I asked Middle, “How did you go from fighting mad at your brother to being so nice? It was like you flipped a switch and your Love Tank was full again.”
“It got full because you and my brother were standing there saying nice things to me.”
Hmmmm…
I wasn’t so sure that’s all there was to it. I thought about when I have nothing but fumes in my own Love Tank, and how those are the times that it seems my boys are the most demanding. Because I usually don’t have anyone “standing there saying nice things to me,” I can’t think of any other explanation than the simple act of being loving towards others is a way to fill one’s own Love Tank.
And until my kids figure that out for themselves, I’ll keep cheering them on.
I’m already their number one fan.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
Photo: One of our homemade Love Tank gauges. Image by Author. Used with permission.
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