It really got to me yesterday — I couldn’t remember her voice anymore. It used to be so clear, like a favorite song on repeat, playing over and over again, but now it’s fading away. I made an effort to remember her laughing, but it’s like fog. It made me wonder — as time goes on — will her face also go away as the years pass?
Sitting alone with my thoughts, I realized something: “I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love again. Once is enough.” The idea of falling in love again feels as distant as winning the lottery. It’s one in a thousand, and it’s hard to shake that feeling after nearly winning the bet.
Don’t ask me how I did it. I just did it; love was hard. She was right for me, but I was wrong for her. She was the warmth of the sun in summer, but I liked the rain in winter. She was sunshine; I preferred the rain.
Within the next few seconds, it was as if I thought,
“I wish I had never met her.”
After all this time, she intentionally set the bar too high. I asked myself, “Isn’t that a good thing?” Yeah, but if it was a shitty relationship, I could write her off as an asshole. But because it was genuine, I’m afraid I’ll never find that again.
It suddenly became clear to me. It was painful when you left, and I haven’t been able to let anyone else in. It seems like I’m scared of getting injured again.
Yet, being vulnerable isn’t a weakness; it’s a sign of strength. It’s like dancing in the rain instead of waiting for the storm to pass. It’s like when I fall while walking, I don’t say, “Damn these legs”; I just walk again. It’s the same with love. Because it’s scary, and we choose to love, nevertheless.
I don’t want to start a new relationship just like the old one. So, with a mix of sadness and gratitude in my heart, I’m saying goodbye to that part of my life that was filled with love and loss.
I have to let this feeling die with the dignity it deserves.
This morning, I realized that love, in all its complexities, is worth embracing. I said to myself.
“I’m really happy I met you.”
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Noah Silliman on Unsplash