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Betrayal can be difficult to get past. It can send you through a whirlwind of emotions to find out that someone you put your trust in, confided in or tried to help; rewarded you by betraying your trust or disrespected you.
Not only is it hard to offer trust to that person, but it can lead you to question other areas of your life where you extend trust. If you were so wrong in believing that person, could you also be wrong in your decision-making with other people?
When you finally dig yourself out of all of the self-evaluation and find your way back to trusting yourself, then you are faced with how to let go of the betrayal.
It’s a crossroads we all find ourselves at once or twice, but not all of us are able to navigate it. Some people choose not to forgive and stay in that mistrustful, bitter energy for the remainder of their life. They remain suspicious of every person’s motives and keep everyone at a safe emotional distance.
It’s a way to live, however, when you are keeping the bad out, you are also not allowing the good in.
Why Forgiveness?
I believe the major barrier to forgiveness is feeling like you are condoning the behavior or “letting them off the hook”. They get to live their lives with no consequences for the damage they caused to you. It can feel like no retribution.
Here is the truth, there are no consequences or retribution unless they agree that what they did was bad. You have no control over whether they feel that or not.
Usually, when people do bad things to other people, they have already created a story in their mind that absolves their behavior. They have painted you as a problem they get to solve by the means they choose to solve it.
For example, if someone stole from you, they have probably created a story in their mind where you have more than enough that you won’t miss what they stole. Or, your life is much easier than theirs and they needed whatever they took more than you did.
They have somehow both made themselves the victim, desperate or superior and given themselves permission to act the way they did. The only way to reverse that is for them to examine their perspective, motives and then feel bad about the damage they caused. But, as long as they convince themselves you deserved it or were complicit, then they won’t experience enough guilt to care that you are walking around feeling hurt.
They will move on with their lives and continue to play out their story of being whoever they tell themselves they are.
Forgiveness is Not…
Forgiveness is not an agreement that what the other person did was okay. It’s not a suppression of the hurt that they caused. It does not mean you have to overlook your feelings. You may choose to forgive and forget if they are remorseful, but you are not obligated to forget.
Forgiveness is for you.
I know it can be hard to understand how forgiving someone helps you. It took me years to understand it and there are still some people I simply haven’t forgiven yet. My heart isn’t there yet. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be forced either.
Forgiveness is a choice not to remain resentful, bitter or vengeful. As long as you are holding onto the emotion of anger, a bitter attitude or the idea of vengeance, you are stuck in the past. And, you are damaging your present relationships or potential relationships. You are giving that person more power to affect your life even though they aren’t in your life.
Forgiveness allows you to release those feelings and find peace. It allows you to open up to other people and let them in as if the betrayal didn’t damage your trust.
Forgiveness renews the scorched earth and you can plant seeds, which will sprout something beautiful over time. It frees you from having to care about what that person did or didn’t do. Mainly, it stops you from putting your life on hold until that person changes and sees the error of their ways.
But, you do not have to make up with the person and allow someone back into your life.
Lesson of Discernment
The gift the betrayal gave you is to be able to discern when someone means you ill will or doesn’t put your safety or best interest at heart.
You survived that challenge. It can be counterproductive to then turn around and put yourself right back into the hands of a person who has shown you they do not care about harming you.
If you believe them to be remorseful and you think you can build trust, then you should reconcile and save the relationship.
But, if they continue to be reckless, you are allowed to cut off access to yourself. They do not deserve the relationship if they don’t honor it or treat their second chance with respect.
It is okay to forgive them and move on. Forgiveness isn’t a shackle that means you keep giving and giving to someone. That’s enabling. Forgiveness means you learned the lesson and you are not responsible that they learn theirs. Set them free.
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