This could be a perfect match.
—
Meet Jerry—a classic introvert. Very tuned in to the internal world of emotions and ideas. Refuels via alone time, whenever he’s exhausted or drained. Able to tune out the world when he’s focused. More at home in small, intimate groups than big blow-out parties. Life is going fine for Jerry, an orthopedic surgeon with a penchant for vegetable gardening.
Then he meets Andrea—a classic extrovert. He is smitten from day one. Falls head over heels with a woman who processes by “talking it out,” is high energy, rejuvenates when around lots of people, and thrives in changing environments.
◊♦◊
How did that work out? As a matter of fact, it worked out very well. Jerry approached me looking for ways to find balance in this exciting but challenging relationship. He was highly motivated to make it work, and Andrea was on board too.
There is so much beauty to be found in the differences between and among human beings. We can enrich one another with our different ideas, perspectives, experiences, processes, and feelings.
|
One of the key things to understand is that introversion and extroversion are largely about brain science. The personality of any given introvert or extrovert will be different, of course, as a lot goes in to making a person. But there is something going on in the brains of introverts and extroverts that makes them who they are in some very essential ways.
Introverts experience tremendous internal brain stimuli. Any additional external stimuli can feel overwhelming. Jerry’s home is neat and serene, his down time spent in his garden, and his routines are in place to allow him maximum creative and professional growth. Thus he, like all introverts, needs alone time to recharge.
Extroverts are stimulated by external activities—people, places, experiences. They are fueled by the excitement and variety. Andrea is in her element when hosting 30 of her closest friends in her eclectic, colorful apartment, with a dozen high-energy conversations going on at once and maybe a game of charades in the corner. Professionally, she is a creative dynamo in a work environment that operates collaboratively.
So how does an introvert/extrovert couple find balance? According to Myers Briggs and the many happy intro-extro couples I know, they can, in fact, make the perfect couples.
Here’s why:
Both of you will experience exponential personal growth.
- You will both move outside the familiar circle of your comfort zone. By being with Andrea, Jerry stretched himself by socializing more. By doing so, he met a few really interesting people with whom he is still friends.
- By extending past what is comfortable, you’ll gain personal awareness. Both Jerry and Andrea came to understand themselves so much more than ever before. In communicating their quirks, needs, desires to one another, they firmed up their self-awareness…never a bad thing.
- You will open up to new possibilities and experiences, both internally and externally. When you love and spend time with someone, you visit one another’s worlds and explore. The internal world of feelings, thoughts, hopes and dreams, and the actual physical world—where you live, work, grew up… and with whom. You’ve doubled your exposure to ways of being and living, and when you are an introvert in a relationship with an extrovert, and vice versa, the world-opening scenario can be pretty significant.
- You’ll learn to feel gratitude and appreciation for differences. The empathy you feel for your partner will inspire great things in you. Instead of thinking your extroverted partner “should” figure out how to be alone or your introverted partner “ought to get out more,” you come to understand why the person you love is that specific person you love—with all his or her peccadilloes and “vert quirks.”
So how do you get there, to that place of perfect balance? Okay, I crossed off the word perfect because why put so much pressure on ourselves? Balance is good in its own right without having to be perfect all the time. So… how do we find that balance in a relationship between a Jerry and an Andrea?
- Value yourself, your partner, and the relationship. This is true for any relationship, of course, not just between introverts and extroverts. Put the time and energy into the partnership and into yourself.
- Communicate. Speak your truth. What do you need and want in your life and relationship? Your partner can’t read your mind…. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. So Jerry tells Andrea: “I need alone time.” Andrea tells Jerry: “It would mean a lot if you’d go to this party with me.”
- Communicate (did I mention that?)—and make plans. Agree on things so that you are both satisfied. How long will you stay at the party? What activities will you do separately to meet your individual needs? What are the best ways for each of you to resolve conflicts? “Talk-it-out” Andrea had to learn to pause and let Jerry process what he was thinking and feeling before opening dialogue.
- Appreciate one another. Find the beauty in your differences and validate your partner’s good qualities. Realize what you both bring to the table, and how your different approaches and styles enrich the relationship and your lives together.
- Quality time. Make the time you share meaningful for both of you. Being an intro-extro couple, you will probably need to do things apart, too. Jerry loved time in his garden, or just reading. Andrea went out with friends at least once a week. But sometimes Andrea would curl up on the couch with Jerry and they’d read to each other. And Jerry knew how much it meant to socialize together so they did that too, several times a month.
There is so much beauty to be found in the differences between and among human beings. We can enrich one another with our different ideas, perspectives, experiences, processes, and feelings. The introvert and the extrovert make a great team. Not only did Jerry and Andrea find true love, but they have been married harmoniously for four years. I love happy endings, don’t you?
—
This post is republished on Medium.
***
The Good Men Project gives people the insights, tools, and skills to survive, prosper and thrive in today’s changing world. A world that is changing faster than most people can keep up with that change. A world where jobs are changing, gender roles are changing, and stereotypes are being upended. A world that is growing more diverse and inclusive. A world where working towards equality will become a core competence. We’ve built a community of millions of people from around the globe who believe in this path forward. Thanks for joining The Good Men Project.
Support us on Patreon and we will support you and your writing! Tools to improve your writing and platform-building skills, a community to get you connected, and access to our editors and publisher. Your support will help us build a better, more inclusive world for all.
***
Photo credit: iStock
Ive seen these introvert-extrovert couples and its usually the introvert who has to go more outside their comfort zone than the extrovert. For an extrovert with social anxiety being forced into public and large groups can be a terrifying experience that in some cases can lead to severe panic attacks. When was the last time a person was terrified about curling up on the couch and watching Netflix or reading? Im not saying they dont have struggles its just that having to sit down and watch TV with a loved probably isnt going to result in a crippling panic attack.… Read more »
I was in an INTP/ENTJ relationship for over two years and loved the balance of it all! I can understand your perceptions of imbalanced compromise, with the INTP possibly being expected to be the one to conform to social norms far more often than the ENTJ. However, in my relationship, I had few such expectations, and was quite comfortable going places alone or with limited participation from my INTP. My struggle was the lack of CLEAR communication about the INTP’s need for solo-time. When returning from a 10 day trip apart, his pre-arrival call contained the question “You’re not going… Read more »