Finding Models for Manhood

The lion cub and sheep, A Hindu Fable:

There was once a young lion cub who became lost from his group. He wandered until he found a herd of sheep. Taken in as a member of the herd, he soon adopted the ways of the sheep, eating grass, making a bleating sound like a sheep, and being terrified of the predators that occasionally threatened the herd. One day, several lions were out hunting and came across the herd of sheep. The head lion was curious when he saw the cub grazing with the sheep. He pursued and caught the terrified animal and said, “Why are you among the sheep? You are a lion, king of the jungle. Look at my fur, look at my claws, look at my fangs, hear my roar. You’re the same as me.” The young lion recognized himself in the adult lion. He followed the lions back to their den and let out the best roar he could manage as he found his place as a member of the lions.

The best way to have learned to be a good man is to have had a good man in your life as you were growing up. That man would serve as your model of what it takes to be a good man. You would have experienced how he took on responsibility, how he treated women respectfully, how he cared for parents, how he handled business relationships, how he held integrity, and how he behaved as a caring husband and father. Unfortunately, many of us have had faulty masculine models—fathers who were absent, angry, abusive, and addicted. These were men who were difficult to respect because, in important ways, they had not earned our respect. They could not serve as models of authentic manhood.

As we were growing up, we couldn’t rely on our friends to help guide us on how to become authentic men. They were usually as clueless as we were. Our early relationships with girls were probably like the blind leading the blind, (unless the girls had healthy male models of their own and could communicate their expectations to us). Entertainment and mass media were no help. Violent action movie heroes, male chauvinists, sexual predators, unethical politicians, and greedy corporate heads provide the worst kind of male role models, as do spineless and absentee male figures.

Many of us were left to discover our maleness on our own through a process of trial and error, a sometimes painful and ineffective way to learn. If you lack a model of authentic masculinity, you must consciously create one by yourself. This might entail devoting time to studying and contemplating the human qualities you would need to embody as a good man, a loving partner, and an honorable human being. You could search for positive male models among men you know or public figures you admire. You may find those models in a men’s group or men’s fraternal organization, or connect with them through your religious group. They are out there.

Once you are fortunate to find models of good men, do all you can to be around them as much as you can in order to learn from them. Listen to them, and most importantly, observe what they do and how they treat others.

There is an old rabbinic tale. The devotee of a famous rabbi was asked about the rabbi’s basic teachings. The devotee replied, “I do not hang around to listen to his teachings. I am there to watch how he ties his shoes.” A good man’s actions are what speak most loudly. Watch what he does as well as what he says. And give more credence to what he does.

Building your own model of authentic masculinity won’t happen automatically. It takes conscious effort, conscious choice. With time, the effort will pay off. The good male model you develop will become part of you. Once you have integrated that model in your mind and heart, you will have a built-in blueprint to continually guide you on your path to becoming the man you want to be.

***

The Good Men Project gives people the insights, tools, and skills to survive, prosper and thrive in today’s changing world. A world that is changing faster than most people can keep up with that change. A world where jobs are changing, gender roles are changing, and stereotypes are being upended. A world that is growing more diverse and inclusive. A world where working towards equality will become a core competence. We’ve built a community of millions of people from around the globe who believe in this path forward. Thanks for joining The Good Men Project.