Finding Yourself Before Finding the One

Sometimes you have to learn to be happy alone. Then you can be happy with another. It’s not what you want to hear. I was the same way.

I spent almost five years on my own right before I met my wife. Solitary. Insular.

A broken man, at first. I needed some time to let the waves crash on the shore of heartbreak. But time changed everything.

For seven years before that, I was in two stormy relationships.

Both ended in emotional pain.

Before that, I was lonely for years. I watched as peers dated and found romance. But I was quite young. So I waited.

I was just about the last guy to get a girlfriend. Not a single date until after high school had ended.

There was one long-distance girlfriend I had for a while. A few years. Off and on. Internet and phone only. A few snapshots of each other. Never a webcam. Dial-up modems. Too slow for video. And too shy.

Eventually she found a boyfriend in her town, before we ever had a chance to meet.

She didn’t tell me. I found out by visiting her little website.

…

By the time my second big streak of time alone came, I was close to losing hope. I couldn’t attract anyone I was interested in. All felt very futile.

Like I had wasted the attractiveness juice I had on the wrong people. And had none remaining for the right ones.

I can’t lie. Spending those five years by myself was harsh. But I’m glad it happened.

I felt sorry for myself. That’s okay. I’d see happy couples together, feel jealous. It seemed so easy for them, and so hard for me. I was very bitter. After all, life wasn’t fair. I struggled with my weight. Substance abuse problems. Mental illness. Legal issues. Suicidal rumination. Seizures.

And the list goes on. But I didn’t have it so bad.

I’d long to meet someone. I wondered if I was being punished for being an awful boyfriend in the past. Like I was branded somehow.

I blamed myself completely for how my previous relationship went wrong. Felt regret. Wanted to turn back time. Until I finally came to realize it wasn’t my fault. Sometimes things just don’t work out, and no one is to blame.

Life’s random.

Trying to meet someone new once I was single, I’d try and try. Finally I’d line up a date. And it wouldn’t lead anywhere. That’s if the person decided to show up at all.

A few times I met someone who seemed interested. So I’d get my hopes up desperately. Then they’d ignore me, disappear. Or send some other clearer message that they weren’t interested.

I think it’s very human to feel upset about stuff like that. Humans do need each other. Generally, we seek affection of some kind, even if it’s not romantic. And when we don’t get the right kind, it can be a source of deep sadness.

Maybe it all sounds very woe-is-me to you. That’s fine. But I know there are lonely people out there who feel hopeless. There’s no need to gaslight them in their loneliness. What a cheap shot.

Try to be patient and disciplined. We all deserve to find love and happiness.

…

I tried dating sites on and off for years. I’d tap into my circle of friends, go to new places. But I couldn’t make that magic happen. At times I even felt prudish and incompetent, because I didn’t seize opportunities.

A friend and I thought about calling an escort service once, because we were both lonely. That wasn’t typical of my values. But I was getting very desperate. Angst-ridden. We decided against it.

I’ll admit I was sometimes picky. People did flirt with me and express a desire for me. But they were never the ones I was interested in. And I wasn’t good at meeting people half way. I didn’t judge them as worse than I was, or beneath me somehow. I didn’t feel inspired.

And the ones I wanted seemed inaccessible or uninterested. We can’t really control who we fall in love with.

One of the biggest lessons of being involuntarily single, was facing the fact that I could still do things to change my situation. But it would involve looking inward for meaning.

Taking an honest at myself and making sure I was cultivating enough values important to me, without wanting to appeal to others too much.

In short, finding happiness despite being without a girlfriend.

Solitude allows time for reflection and development.

…

Something in us craves space and individuality. Between the rollercoaster of relationships, this can be like fresh air for us. Even if it’s not what we think we need.

I came to settle in for the long haul. I tried to accept inspiration through emotional independence. I focused on my work, passions, connections to family, and a healthy lifestyle.

I rebuilt my self-esteem, that had been fractured in the wreckage of previous relationships.

And when I finally met someone, I had what it took to really commit and make the relationship work. Without forcing it.

…

So we’re now married. We have a beautiful one-year old boy, plans for a long, bright future, and a great life together.

A life which is always evolving.

But I’ll never forget the times I was alone and worked through many of my issues. Once I vowed that eventually I would find someone, it was just a matter of being patient and moving forward in other areas. Being constructive.

I came to really cherish the feeling of independence.

Although I felt ready before, I think I was just afraid of being involuntarily alone.

That time alone did hurt, because it wasn’t what I wanted, what I craved. But it’s probably what I needed, and for that, I’ll always be thankful.

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Thank you for reading this story. James Gordon is a writer and musician. He has an MFA in Creative Writing. You can subscribe to his stories here, or sign up as a Medium member using the referral link below.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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