A few months ago we welcomed our child into the world. We loved this day. Right before leaving for work in the morning I asked my husband to drive to me work and bring me back with my laptop for a work-from-home day, since I was feeling a bit different. It never occurred to us that we were in labour since we were expecting our daughter to join us a little over two weeks later. We knew we should however get checked if there was anything different before our daughter’s date so we stopped at the hospital on the way home to check on her. At 11am our nurse (who was the best, along with our doctor) announced that it was our baby’s birthday. I was not so convinced. At 12 noon the doctor came down and also confirmed her birthday. By 1pm no more convincing was needed, the intensity and power had gone from around a 2 to a 10 within an hour and I rolled around on my gym ball, still in my work dress since I had no energy for anything that was not core to our baby. At 3pm she joined us like a champion, kicking and screaming. We have never felt so relieved. Since she was early, NICU had been called, but as they heard her scream from the hallway they walked on by. I held her a few seconds later, shaking uncontrollably with adrenaline but so happy. My husband was the best doula and she immediately took to him. A few minutes later we walked down the hallway as three.
Since then I have learned a lot from her, the below are a few of these learnings.
Luck
Luck that we all sometimes do and don’t get in different aspects of our lives. We experienced luck when we were gifted with her. This is not a given for many and for no good reason. She does not belong to us, but is in our care for a time and we are lucky to have this responsibility. Thinking about this luck has made me realise how much luck I have experienced in other parts of my life. The luck of meeting my husband and my close friends, the luck of someone giving me opportunities in my career, the luck of having good health, and the luck of having an education and of being raised with food on the table. It has also made me realise that other periods in my life were simply not lucky, and that is also ok. As an economist and someone who enjoys statistics, I firmly believe that the more you try the more luck you get, but even this is not always enough for some aspects of our lives. It is good to be aware of this and all the more appreciative. In economic terms, luck is often the unobserved factor that you cannot capture in an analysis. Being sensitive to this is important. Luck explains a lot.
Time
It is a fact that the metrics of time that we follow, months and years, are man made. They also differ in different religions and cultures. If I were to imagine time in a picture I would usually think of a scale going from left to right, with the past behind us and to the left, and the future ahead of us and to the right. This is likely related to how the western world is taught to write. But even this differs in some parts of the world. I have wondered if time is really just a figment of our imagination. This however cannot be true since there has to be something that moves life from one state to another, that explains our child’s rapid growth and development over what we know as time. Whilst the time dimension of the universe is something to wonder about, since having her, I have started to think of time as something that is vertical, something that brings us to our present state, with all of our past states included in us. This way of thinking encourages us not to concern ourselves so much with capturing the present or the past, but rather embracing who we are today, with all of our past memories and experiences, however good or bad, bringing us to who we are or can be today. Time is surely on our side.
Intelligence
Children come without any preconceived constructs in their thinking. Everything they see they learn for the first time. As adults we come with many pre-made constructs. This makes life efficient through automated decisions. Some of the constructs that we come with also have to do with stories. Stories bind people. Stories of what we believe, how we do things, what commonalities people have, how the world works. Many of these are stories, which help us to find common ground and hence coordinate with each other. These stories help us when faced with a problem in that we can draw on experience, knowing how the world works and has worked before. Babies don’t come with any of this. This is perhaps why young children often go through a period of baffling us with “why’s”, why’s which we have just never thought about and don’t have the answers to, despite following some order that stems from their reasoning. I am not advocating that we should all overthink and question everything, but maybe the world could be a bit smarter if we all thought a little more like children when it comes to reflecting on how we spend our lives and our time, and how we solve some problems. Simplicity over sophistication. I wonder whether this would keep the curve of our development over our lives closer to the steepness that it exhibits in those early years. A starting point is perhaps acknowledging that we don’t have all the answers. We may not even know the range of answers that are possible. But the data, the process, may lead us there if we are willing to let it and approach it without too many preconceived models in our minds. Children may after all be the smartest people that we know.
Identity
In today’s world it is hard to believe that each of us is truly unique. We are so influenced by everything that the world layers on us. It is difficult to imagine that our preference for things like certain music, food and colours are determined through some unique and inherent way about us. It seems more realistic to believe that all of our preferences are shaped by our experiences, even if at some very deep and subconscious level. This may make it plausible that suppliers of the content that we consume know our preferences before we do. But having our daughter has led me to believe that this cannot be true, not in its entirety at least. Seeing a baby grow convinces me that we all have a unique self, with a unique character, unique interests, unique preferences, and a unique style. Later on that may develop into unique talents and ways in which we can and should contribute to the world. This perspective is even more enhanced when I see our child grow alongside her peers, who already, at just a few months old, each have their own nature, distinct also to their own parents and any other influence in their life. This gives me renewed hope in the future, knowing that every person gets to choose to be true to who they are and offer that to the world, unfazed by what everyone else is doing and how they are thinking. Whilst some cooperation is needed, surely this way would better progress the world, bring together different perspectives rather than jumping in line, with each generation doing the same. Our daughter will surely be smarter than us if she gains the skill to think for herself, apart from who we are and might influence her to be. May our children be who they are.
Community
Finally, having a child has made me so much more appreciative of community. I have never experienced the depth of kindness from so many that we have experienced since having a child. Strangers have stopped us on the street to say kind words to us and our baby. Many people have looked at this new life with a great sense of hope in their eyes. This has especially been the case for much older people, perhaps those who have a greater sense than us of what life is really about, perhaps knowing that these are the people that we are all going to hand the baton to at some point, sooner or later. The people that may make the world even better than we have tried to make it for them. Many of the “hardest” people have been so kind to us in their words and energy. I can only imagine that the existence of a new life gives many people some common and positive sentiment. I am not sure what it is and I don’t expect it from too many and unlikely for too long, but it is humbling to see for the moment. I can only hope that we would do our best to pass this sense of community on to others in our everyday lives.
. . .
I have heard the saying that raising a child is the most important work one will ever do. I have always been doubtful about the absoluteness of this statement since there are many other things things that we can do in our lives that can have an impact on many, many people. But I see now that in the same way, the person that we raise also has the opportunity to have an impact on many, many people. It is hence important that this person has the foundation to be their best self, to feel loved, cared for, well nurtured, and emotionally complete, such that they can go out into the world and do the same for others. Whilst I continue to learn, I will hence rephrase this to state the following:
Being our best selves and contributing accordingly to the world, alongside raising a child to be their best self and accordingly contribute to the world, is surely the most important work we can ever do. In both ways we hold immense power to create the future and to do our part with the gift of life.
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This post was previously published on A Parent Is Born and is republished here with permission from the author.
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