Relationship gurus tell us that we need to prioritize our relationships, but how exactly do we do that when we have a lot going on at work?
You’ll hear standard tips like schedule date nights and listen to your significant others when they talk. But even if you do that, your honey may still feel like a low priority when you’re going balls to the wall at work.
Here are 4 less-obvious changes that we can make in our personal lives so that our significant others feel like they are, truly, our #1 priority.
1. Scramble madly.
I am never late for anything at work. That was beat into me when I was in the military — if you’re 15 minutes early, you’re on time.
I’ve modified that since I got out. Now I skate into meetings 30 seconds before they start because I like being efficient. I don’t like wasting 15 minutes socializing while waiting for the meeting to start. That’s 15 minutes I can use to get just a little bit more done.
Because I’m doing this efficiency thing, I end up having to scramble a bit to make sure I’m on time. Sometimes I have to sprint down the stairs because I waited just a little too long to leave my office. I have shown up to meetings out of breath quite a few times, but I was on time.
In my personal life, though, I have a reputation for always being late. Perhaps a rebellious part of me doesn’t want my personal life to be so rigid, so demanding, that I have to stress myself out to make sure I’m on time for social functions.
I’m usually no more than 10 minutes late, but I’m consistently late. It’s the one thing a boyfriend can count on with me.
That’s just it. I give priority to my work, deeming it worth the last-minute scramble to make sure I’m on time, to make sure no one has to wait for me to show up, to make sure that no one at work gets upset at me for being late.
Huh.
Maybe we need to scramble madly for the people we supposedly care for most in the world.
Hustle to be there for your significant other as though your livelihood depends on it…as though you might get fired from the relationship if you don’t.
2. Don’t put yourself in the position to have to choose.
My buddy told me his girlfriend got a job offer. At first, I was happy for her. But then he told me where the job was: 5 hours away from where we all live.
“But why did she apply there in the first place?” I asked, knowing that my friend wouldn’t want to move there.
“That’s where she found the job she really wanted,” he said.
And that’s where I think she screwed up.
I know, I know. Some of you are going to argue that she shouldn’t limit her career just because some boyfriend doesn’t want to move with her. I’ve even been that person, complaining that men weren’t willing to follow me where I needed to go in my military career.
But the saying “the devil is in the details” is a saying for a reason.
A detail in this case is that this couple has been living together for 8 years. If he’d just been her boyfriend for a few months, then heck no she shouldn’t base her career decisions on a man she barely knows.
Also, she’s not in a career field that only has a few job openings in the nation. There are plenty, though she may have to wait a little longer for one to open up nearby. The nearby opportunity may not meet her preferences exactly, but she’d still be moving up in her career.
This reminds me of a person who was trying to find a new home for her dog. When I asked her why she couldn’t keep her dog, she said, “Because I’m moving into an apartment that doesn’t allow dogs.”
Uh, say what? There were plenty of apartments in the area in her price range. Why did she even look at, much less pick, the one apartment that doesn’t meet that one, critical criterion “allows dogs”?
I wonder if we put people who do this in an interrogation room, they’d finally confess the truth: They just don’t really want to keep the dog.
After all, the dog isn’t a cute, manageable puppy anymore. And the reality of having to walk a dog at least three times a day if you live in an apartment makes the glow wear off quick, especially if you’re running late and the dog is just sniffing around instead of pooping on demand.
Moving to an apartment that doesn’t allow dogs may be a way to sort of save face. It ‘looks better’ to claim “I can’t keep the dog” rather than having to blatantly look like a bad guy by outright saying “I don’t want to keep this dog anymore.”
If you’re looking for jobs that don’t meet this one criterion, “I can keep my relationship and have this job”, you may actually be saying, “I don’t want this relationship anymore.”
Maybe you just don’t have the guts to admit it to yourself — or the person you’re dating.
I’m not saying don’t try to better yourself. I’m saying that if you’re looking for jobs that will force you to choose between your person and the job, no wonder your person doesn’t feel like a priority in your life.
Limit your job search to jobs that advance your career AND allow you to keep your relationship.
3. Fix your hair.
My hair is super obnoxious. Every morning before work, I go to battle with my hair so that it’s at least somewhat presentable in a professional setting. That can take up to 20 minutes on a good day, more on bad hair days.
After all that work to look decent for work, I don’t want to fix my hair on the weekends. I want a break from that effort. But guess who I usually spend time with on the weekends? Yep, the boyfriend.
He’s the one who gets the ‘privilege’ of seeing me au naturel, when I look like a bunch of frizzy, bent-out-of-shape Slinkies are attached to my head.
For people at work, I fix my hair. For my manfolk, not so much.
Men have their versions of this. I’m not picking on bald guys (you guys are sexy AF!), but I’ve noticed that some shave their heads every morning before going to work.
But then they’re ok with letting stubble grow on their heads over the weekends so they look like Pinhead from Hellraiser. Or they don’t shave at all on long vacations from work.
Fact: Monk tonsures are NOT sexy.
What I’m saying is this: Put as much — or more — time and effort into your appearance when you’re going to spend time with your significant other as you put into your appearance before you go to work.
4. Prioritize your partner’s preferences.
(Say that three times, fast.)
I’ll just keep on with this hair theme to make this point.
Many male friends have confessed to me that they prefer longer hair on women. They don’t want to be viewed as misogynist for that preference, but they can’t help that longer hair is more attractive to them.
That makes me wonder if women with longer hair fare better in the dating market.
Anyway, male friends have also privately confessed to me that they felt upset when their female partners cut their hair short.
They felt like there was a bit of false advertising, that their womenfolk lured them in with this long, shiny plumage. After the men were snared and couldn’t escape, the women lopped off the very bait they used to lure the men in.
My friends do understand that when child-rearing begins, the women have less time to tend to long manes, plus short hair means they don’t have to deal with children’s yucky hands touching the hair and making it sticky.
But after the children are older, they wish the women would grow their hair back.
Flip it around and you’ll hear some women would prefer their hubbies shave their whiskers so they don’t get stabbed every time they kiss.
Yeah, growing hair and shaving hair can be a hassle, but that’s just it:
If you truly prioritize your relationship, be willing to endure some low-level hassles to meet the preferences of your significant other.
Before you object and say “It’s not fair for my partner to ask this of me”, ask yourself this:
Would you be willing to do a little work or put up with some low-level hassles to meet your boss’ preferences in order to keep your job or get promoted?
If so, then don’t claim “I prioritize my relationship over work” if you won’t put up with some low-level hassle to meet your significant other’s preferences.
Bottom Line
Notice that the 4 changes don’t involve cutting back on your hours at work. You can still work hard to chase your work goals yet also make your significant other feel prioritized.
Fortunately, your person might not need you to dress up at home, limit your job search to the immediate area, fix your hair, grow your hair, or cut your hair. You’ll need to find out what your person needs you to do so your person feels prioritized.
Consider asking your partner this: “What are some things you’d like me to do so that you feel like I am prioritizing our relationship over work?”
Then pick one thing and deliver, even if it means you’ll have to hustle more, make some sacrifices, or endure low-level hassles to do that one thing.
This way, your honey may feel like you do, indeed, truly prioritize the relationship over work, that you’re not just giving lip service when you say “Our relationship is my #1 priority.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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