For Men

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Today I wanted to move away from the strictly business talks for a moment to immerse myself in the world of feelings and emotions.

It will be for the personal moment that I have to live these weeks, or it will be because, after all, tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

And that is why, sometimes, to the detriment of technology, we like to deal with more real, more tangible, more sentimental, more emotional issues.

In short, more human.

Taking into account that in Spain there is an average of 1,161 deaths every day, it is necessary to stop for a moment and reflect.

A loved one can leave today.

Or even you.

When the death of a loved one occurs, the pain manifests itself bluntly.

It hurts to a point where you start asking questions or even start blaming yourself for it.

The truth is dealing with the grieving process is essential to connect to the new reality and learn to live with the absence.

Sadness is one of the five basic emotions and the one that, of all of them, helps people cope with the absence of the deceased person.

The duel begins when one is aware of the loss.

This can occur before death, in the case of a long illness or a long time later, if the person who has to face it takes time to assume what happened.

This is the starting point.

All human beings need to be linked since we are born and when someone dies that relationship is broken and has to be transformed, hence the pain is so great.

The most difficult moment is learning to live with that link that no longer exists.

Knowing how to manage emotions and face grief is vital for family and friends.

Where to start and how to manage emotions?

Any death is very painful, especially if we add to that the existence of a series of risk factors, such as when the death occurs suddenly or cruelly.

On the contrary, when it is an announced death and we are already aware of the loss, death is best carried out because it has been possible to make the duel in advance.

Sometimes, people are not aware of the loss, although the outcome is known well in advance, how can it be, for example, in the case of a terminally ill cancer.

Even, sometimes, grief occurs long after the loss.

In these difficult times, it is important to manage the many emotions that emerge during the process.

And not only that. Cognitive, behavioral and even spiritual responses also appear.

In most cases, sadness, apathy, and guilt are manifested, in combination with love or tenderness, joy, anger, and fear. Simultaneously, symptoms such as lethargy, insomnia, and hypersomnia also sometimes occur.

So, we face a whole explosive cocktail of emotions of unknown effects, and that can be devastating, in every person.

The pain and its stages

At the end of the 60s, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler described the different stages that a grieving person goes through, although today this model has become somewhat obsolete.

These stages or emotional phases do not have to occur consecutively. From the first moment they can overlap or coexist at the same time, but it always depends on each person.

The first stage is trauma:

In it, the person faces the shock caused by the knowledge of the news of the death of the loved one and how they deal with the event.

The second stage is protection:

Here the denial of the event occurs and has more to do with sadness and how the person uses certain strategies to protect themselves from pain.

The third stage is integration:

At this point the person’s connection with reality occurs, accepting that the loved one is no longer there. It is the starting point of sadness.

The fourth stage is growth:

In this last phase, there is the transformation of the emotional state of the person, where he is already aware that his life must continue to accept the new circumstances.

And, today, society knows very little or nothing about how to face the duel.

The recommendations and guidance of the experts, such as the typical “get to work soon”, “don’t cry anymore” or “he/she didn’t want to see you like this”, can sometimes cause harm instead of helping.

We must understand that sadness is essential to process grief and it is advisable that the accompaniment be permissive with pain.

The typical messages mentioned above tend to go against those who are suffering.

In addition, the messages that focus on overcoming the loss are not the most appropriate, since what it is about is learning to live with the loss and not forgetting the person we have lost.

You must learn to live with scars, like when we have a wound.

It is very deep damage that opens when the death of someone we love occurs. You can continue loving, loving and maintaining the illusion, but with the hollow of that person forever inside our heart.

The duel in the children

When explaining to a minor the death of a loved one, the way to do it depends a lot on age, both chronological and maturational.

Age is a key factor.

There is a turning point that usually occurs around age six, which is when children learn the concept of irreversibility (you cannot go backward).

Until then they understand death as something variable.

The best way to inform a child about the death of a loved one is to be consistent with family values. It is not advisable to use euphemisms such as “you have gone to heaven” if you are not used to hearing it.

It is much better to use age-appropriate language, but without having to avoid the word “death.”

You have to be aware of how much information the child needs to understand and/or understand the loss. And they should be the reference people, like their parents, the most suitable to face this difficult conversation.

In the case of adolescents, and to avoid possible misbehaviors, it is vitally important that they are treated as if they were adult family members and should be allowed to be and participate in the farewell rituals if they wish.

Last words, losing a loved one is painful.

And going through the various stages of grieving can be worse if you don’t understand that pain is part of the process of getting healed.

In the course of grief, remember that the link still exists in your heart even though you can’t live with them again.

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Be brave and strong.

It is something you have to live with all the rest of life.

Think about the good they went about doing and recreate the same to make the remembrance more fun.

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Have you read the original anthology that was the catalyst for The Good Men Project? Buy here: The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood