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I cannot live my life for you.
I cannot have my pleasure in a way that needs to be for you.
I cannot love in a way that needs to fit you.
This body, this heart, are mine.
I have walked a journey that has its roots in guilt and shame.
My being, my beauty, were separated from me.
I was taken from myself.
I was told that parts of me, parts of my body, were dirty.
I learned to be embarrassed about myself.
I learned that some of my feelings, so strong within me, were unacceptable.
There was no space to cry my tears freely, to shout my frustration when I did not know the words I needed.
There was loneliness, even surrounded by others.
It was separation, disconnect.
And in time I began the journey of healing the pain.
I reclaimed myself, all the parts I had estranged.
And discovered more.
I discovered eyes that could look at the world, people, even myself, in so many ways.
Eyes that could see such beauty and truth.
I discovered ears that could hear the song of life in all its incredible harmony, a symphony of nature, of people.
I discovered hands that could and feel and hold and stroke and caress and squeeze.
Hands that could hold me, hold you.
I discovered a mouth that could taste.
Oh, the tastes, of another’s body, of the bounty of the earth, of another mouth, of endless deliciousness.
I discovered fragrance, aroma, smell, reek, perfume. An ancient sense we use less, that touches something inside of me when I close my eyes and take it in, all of it.
I discovered a heart.
A heart that has no limitation to what it could feel. It could break and love even more.
A heart that was bigger than I saw myself as.
A heart that wanted to give all it had, and saw how much that was.
A heart that became open to receiving another in all of their being, acceptance.
A heart that said I will be acceptable to myself.
And I discovered pleasure.
Oh, did I discover pleasure.
Endless, boundless.
Emotion, feeling, sensation.
To share, to give, receive, take.
To explore a world within that became a world to live in.
And I discovered my Spirit.
An eternal journey of exploration and learning.
And in all this, I discovered that the truth of life is to live for me.
The more I do that, the more I have to give.
The deeper within I go, the more I have to share with you.
And I long for that; I choose that.
In a way that allows us freedom.
In a way that expresses all within us.
In a way that is pleasing to all of me, all within me.
In a way that honors me.
And in this, I invite you to honor yourself.
That we may walk together. However that is.
With love.
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This post was originally published on eroslife.co.za and is republished with the author’s permission.
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Photo by Ivana Cajina on Unsplash
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