‘The Book Of Forgiving’, by Desmond & Mpho Tutu, has this to say about forgiveness:
I will forgive you
The words are small
But there is a universe hidden in them
When I forgive you
All those cords of resentment, pain, and sadness that had wrapped
themselves around my heart will be gone
When I forgive you
You will no longer define me
You measured me and assessed me and
decided that you could hurt me
I didn’t count
But I will forgive you
Because I do count
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I am bigger than the image you have of me
I am stronger
I am more beautiful
And I am infinitely more precious than you thought me
I will forgive you
My forgiveness is not a gift that I am giving you
When I forgive you
My forgiveness will be a gift that gives itself to me.
So we see that forgiveness is not for the other person; the person that brought you pain. It’s for you. It’s to release the pain, resentment, and sadness that that act had on you.
It’s not easy to forgive; it requires the intention of this poem to even start on the path. However, it’s the best stance to have for the survivor — less a victim of violation against their being, more transcending to a thriver. Not succumbed to being defined by that event for their entire life.
One event cannot define a life unless you let it, it’s the hardest thing to choose not to be defined by trauma because it hurts so fucking much sometimes; it’s a slow and steady progress thing. I believe in you. If I can do it, so can you.
The definition of trauma is not the event itself; it’s the leftovers that you cannot process, behaviour that was born in survival; beautifully, and excruciatingly, necessary. Yet, over time this survival mechanism stays unless you heal it in therapy.
The trials you go through in trauma will see you right, out on the other side of the pain, when you can get some breathing room. I acknowledge how much courage and uncertainty it takes to get there, yet, once you get there, it’s like standing on top of Everest and watching the sunrise, in serene calming silence. I feel so aware of myself now, able to align to how I feel, what I want, and where my soul wants me to go.
The word ‘heal’ comes from an ancient root meaning ‘wholeness’. When you seek to heal from trauma, you are seeking to become whole, and healing from trauma must include forgiveness.
“As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.” ~ Bessel A. van der Kolk ~
Dr & Master Zhi Gang Sha, in his book ‘Greatest Forgiveness’, has this to say:
Every human being has challenges in life. These challenges could be in health, relationships, finances, business, or the spiritual journey, which is the enlightenment journey for the soul, heart, mind, and body.
A key to life is how one deals with its challenges. Some people face their challenges seriously and learn the lessons the challenges bring. Some people become depressed and lose hope. Some people become very upset, even angry, and choose to fight with their challenges, whether they are in health, relationships, or business.
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Now you see why it’s necessary to forgive for yourself; some relating patterns will not change unless both parties want it to, or know how to bring that change.
If they, or you, are stuck in hopeless depression, or vengeful rage, then it won’t be conducive to change in the dynamics. No judgements to that, some people need to cycle through their rage, some don’t have the energy to muster the courage. It is better to express rage than hold it in your body, in safety of course — better still to work with it in therapy so it can dissipate.
Judging someone for their rage only makes them feel that they are inadequate or broken; ashamed. The rage becomes worse. Forgiveness could be the solution you need.
I’m not seeking to condone any violent or inconvenient behaviour in relating, only to say that forgiveness may be releasing two people from a toxic interaction. My knowledge of reiki also reveals that there’s an energetic aspect of cutting the cords mentioned in the poem at the top of this article.
Releasing someone through forgiveness can even allow you to start from scratch; let bygones be bygones; rebuild the relationship, or move on to create a new life for yourself.
One thing is for sure is that if two people get stuck in a conflict that stagnates, it will lead to resentment, anger, pain, and sadness.
This ruins so many relationships.
I see this everywhere I go; couples are griping at each other; rebellious and resentful comments; snapping at each other; one-upmanship.
There’s even a particular narrative written into western culture about the ‘nagging wife’ or ‘lazy men’. These stances are born from resentment and pain.
Living in continuous conflict is exhausting, draining, and it will eventually begin to compromise your self-trust.
So how do you forgive?
There is no cut and paste method, seeing as forgiveness has a lot to do with dignity and a person’s dignity their unique individual beliefs.
Forgiveness is required when those beliefs and values are violated. Those violations centre around the subjection of the individual.
Truth and reconciliation is the process you must go through to find peace in conflict, the best way to do this is to be able to tell the person that wronged you how you felt, what their actions made you feel, or what you lost from what they did to you.
It’s not always possible to do this without mediation; be it a friend facilitator, a therapist, a committee. It’s not always possible at all.
Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., in ‘The Dance Of Connection’ says:
When the emotional climate of a marriage is predominantly negative, you have some groundwork to do before clarifying a bottom line. No one will listen or speak well if the overriding sentiment of the relationship is hostile, critical, or distant. Nor will you get anywhere taking a position about a hot issue if you’re coming from a place of angry reactivity, self-righteousness, or criticism. Instead, you need to be a model of the kind behaviour you want from your partner, not a critic. You need to treat your partner the way you’d like to feel about them, to evoke the positive feelings you’ve lost touch with.
If you can’t do that, then get some help with that, and if that doesn’t work after nine or so months, then leave. Nothing is worth living in continuous conflict.
We live in a polarised world; all of our stances are becoming critical, hostile, and distant. What will it take for us to reach over the table and shake the hand of our ‘enemy’?
Metaphorically, of course, COVID and all. Do you see how important it is for us to be stubborn in this cause?!
If it’s not possible with another, then it can be done on your journey. Find yourself a healer and start having disconfirming situations. Disconfirming situations prove your body-mind wrong in a way; they make you see that things outside of your current life experience are possible. The traumatic situation isn’t everything. Life can be different.
We function with a large propensity to confirmation bias; the inherent functioning of our brains to pick out what we already know in our environment.
If someone says something to you or you see something on social media, and you get reactionary, it can be reversed by asking yourself a few questions:
- Which parts did I automatically agree?
- Which parts did I ignore or skim over without realizing?
- How did I react to the points which I agreed or disagreed?
- Did this post confirm any ideas I already had? Why?
- What if I thought the opposite of those ideas?
As you can see, forgiveness has many complex aspects; it’s not easy. It’s possible though, and if you hold your intention to it, then you’ll find it over time. This is a little and often practice; it doesn’t always look like the Hollywood ending where people throw their arms around each other and say all is well, no, sometimes forgiveness involves leaving a situation and setting firm boundaries. Out of love for yourself, and the other.
What is something that you need to forgive? How is that going so far?
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Previously Published on Medium
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