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Gandhi said, “An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” Violence only begets violence. Forgiveness is an access to peace. Forgiveness is the hardest of lessons we must all embrace.
In the Gospel of Matthew 5:38-39, Jesus said:
You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.
Granted, I’m not enlightened as Gandhi or Jesus. If someone slapped me in the face, I’d just as soon snap his wrist in several places and be done with it. That’s my training. That’s merciful for me. Yet, their profound intention is never lost upon me and the man I strive to become.
Learning and practicing forgiveness has been oh so hard. Forgive others. Especially, forgive me.
A couple Thanksgivings ago, I was watching my favorite movie of 2016, “The Edge of Seventeen” starring the amazing Hailee Steinfeld as suffering teen Nadine. I watched for the second time. Nadine was smarter than thou in her snarky cynicism; relentless in her self-loathing. I watched it at the theater on Thanksgiving morning because I didn’t make any plans for the Holiday. I was suffering and depressed at the time, and didn’t want to bring anyone else down.
I wrote a review for “The Edge of Seventeen” on IMDB.com, which I titled, “Love Thine Own Self”. As I watched I got, “I really need to love me. I need to forgive me.” I had just gotten a new job, after my previous one. I hated working that old job. It was the noble cause that seemingly betrayed. I couldn’t forgive myself for staying with it and participating in it. However, that job supported me for over 3 years. I needed that job to live.
Working that job resurrected my unresolved childhood fears, particularly those of “not good enough” in relation to my Dad. So I worked with my therapist Lance to look at and reconcile my fear. I had to let go of asking myself, “Why did that happen to me? It wasn’t fair!”
I accepted the previous job, when I was laid off from the job that I did love, due to a 40% funding reduction. So really, losing the job had nothing to do with me. Yet, I couldn’t forgive myself, anyway. In my mind, I was never going to amount to the kind of monetary or physical success that drove me. I was never going to buy a house. What woman in her sane mind would go out with me?
Yeah, I finally got what my spiritual advisor Victor had told me for years before he passed away, “Jon, you need to chill out.” Yep, I had to give myself a fucking break. As my spiritual “twin” Dolph Lundgren said, “You have to love yourself.” Yes, forgive me.
My friend Cheryl inspired, “Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself.” I discovered value in her lesson of wabi-sabi, the Japanese aesthetic: Beauty is in your imperfection. O-Sensei reminded, “True victory is victory over oneself.” I got that I’ve been my greatest enemy all along. Forgive me. Or at least hate me a lot less. Look for the good within myself, instead of gathering evidence that “I suck”.
After watching “The Edge of Seventeen” that morning in the theater: I texted my dear friend Erik. In past years I had spent every Thanksgiving at his family’s home. They were like family. Erik invited me over for Christmas. I said, “Yes.” I started to love me, and forgive me. Christmas with Erik and his family was awesome. I got that as much as they made a difference for me, I had made a difference for them being there. I had peace in this.
Earlier this year, I self-published my book. I started writing it to look at what I wanted in a romantic relationship: looking at movies, my love of Aikido and Shakespeare. I know, rather eclectic. In my writing, I began to forgive myself and offered others that access, particularly those like me, who experienced their darker nights.
I concluded by writing:
“Were you generous and kind to others even when the world did not seem so? Did you listen to others as greater than, granting them that space to grow into? Inherently we all want to make a difference for others. Did you have your life make a difference?
Did you laugh out loud with people? Did you define your own sense of self and sense of humor? Did you make others laugh with joy with your words or acts? Did you laugh at yourself in kindness? Were you free to be?
Did the hero within arise and make yourself known to the world? We all want to inspire and be inspired in this life. Did you use your powers for good, not evil? The world is neither light nor dark. Did you look for the lightness in the darkness? Did you accept the darkness in lightness? Did you find balance? Did you find peace?
Others shall define our legacy. That is the beauty of legacy. In the end, we would like to know that we made a difference that we mattered in some way. We can all do our very best, give it our best shot. And let the chips fall where they may.”
Perhaps, I don’t always turn the other cheek. But, I learned to have forgiveness in my heart for others and especially for me. No one’s perfect. Neither is the World. When I forgive and learn to love me, then I have the beginning of peace. Let go. Just breathe.
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Photo credit: Flickr