“Good Morning America” co-host Paula Faris asked a group of 14-year-old girls, “Who here feels the need to be perfect?” Immediately all raised their hands. In the book, Cracking the Confidence Code: For Girls by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, the need for young girls to be perfect increases from 35% to 51%, respectively from age 12 to age 13 years old. This statistic is shocking. Moreover, the numbers are disheartening.
Catherine, one of the girls being interviewed, said she experiences the pressure to be perfect from the expectations of her parents, teachers, friends and herself. I even presume that pressure primarily sources from Catherine. I was Catherine when I was 14 years old. And I was way more anal-retentive. Way more.
I also presume that pressure to be perfect is mostly self-imposed. There’s no space to breathe. No safe space to fail. No space to be you.
At 56 years old, perfection no longer registers on my radar. I really don’t care. Really don’t.
These teenage girls suffer in their need for perfection. Like Werner Erhard, I believe that we must end human suffering. Give up this illusion of perfection. NO ONE IS PERFECT. NO ONE. We’re all human. Imperfection is just part of our deal. What’s more, imperfection can be a blessing.
Dear friend Cheryl mastered the Japanese distinction wabi-sabi throughout her life. Wabi-sabi is the Japanese aesthetic of discovering beauty in imperfection. Cheryl says to look for beauty in your imperfection. Embrace imperfection. Surrender to what’s so. Like those 14-year-old girls, wabi-sabi is letting go and having the freedom to be themselves.
Ubiquitous social media fuels this need for perfection in its platform design enumerated upon “likes” and the inherent comparison to others. We’re all seduced in the comparison game.
Bright teen Valentina said, “One bad comment breaks you…” The teens confess that Social Media, be it Facebook or Snapchat, makes it so difficult to be authentic. “How can I just be me?”
Then Paula asks the girls what it would be like if they could “Not care at all what people thought.” They all agreed that would “be heaven”. Possible. Attainable. That just takes practice. Sensei Dan taught me: “Just train.”
Look for the beauty in your imperfection. The possibility of greater accepts my imperfection, my failings. My imperfection becomes my new zero. The starting point to grow. Greater releases my old stories of me. Not easy. So I practice. And practice.
When I was young, I thought the external mattered most: “Do they think I’m cool?” “What do I have to do to make them like me?” I’ve discovered the internal game matters. Like O-Sensei says it’s the ongoing reconciliation of me. That’s really the good news. Trust me on this one.
If I could impart one thing to those 14-year-olds: You are greater than you know. Practice.
Dare to be greater than you know. Dare to fail magnificently. Dare to fail often. Those who walk by your side, the ones who love you only care that you live with heart.
Regarding what others think of you, let me offer this. Years ago I watched “In the Actor’s Studio” with James Lipton interviewing Academy Award winner Anthony Hopkins. Anthony talked about his conversation with a Jesuit priest. He had asked the priest for the shortest prayer he knew. He answered, “Fuck it.” Simple.
You’re free to authentically be, and to pursue your own greater than. Yet, there shall be those who think of you as lesser than. Say the payer: Fuck it. You have victory over yourself. No one else does. That’s what I got from O-Sensei.
Let those who think lesser of you be. Discover the greater within you. Continue to make a difference in the world. That’s what really matters. All else is just bullshit. Just saying.
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