We’ve spoken before about narcissistic manipulation and abuse. Specifically, we’ve talked about credulity testing. Once a narcissist is sure enough that they can control the way you see the world, they will begin to control the way you see the relationship. They will do this by controlling the way you see yourself. This is one form of gaslighting.
I had a girlfriend once who was very disrespectful. She also lied a lot, but she had another way of covering that up. Her gaslighting usually showed up right after she did something rude.
Once she kicked me clear off the bed.
“Don’t do that! “ I said.
“I was just playing!” She shot back.
“No,” I replied. “You could have hurt me. That was really rude. What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing’s wrong with me. You’re just upset by your own perception. Don’t project that on to me. I was just being playful. I had no intention of hurting you or being disrespectful. You need to breathe…God, do I need to change your diaper?”
She always threw some spiritual manipulation in there. The implication is always “If you were really spiritual, you wouldn’t be upset.” Or “You’re not enlightened. You can become enlightened by finding a way to accept my behavior.”
Because a narcissist can’t or won’t control their behavior, they need to control the way you see their behavior. It’s a lot easier to throw words at someone than it is to actually control what you do.
Notice also how she attempts to corner me by trying to emasculate me. What she’s really saying with the diaper-dig (we actually learned to laugh together about this one) is: “You’re only a real man if you think the way I want you to think.”
This is sheer insanity, however funny it may be. How brazen must you be to stake so much on the way a person sees himself! For a lot of men, this is a full house though!
Good thing we’re not playing poker. How do you beat this kind of manipulation? You don’t beat it my friend. You transcend it. How? By sitting in the full lotus position and floating up, through the roof, into the clouds, out of this person’s life.
As long as you are engaged in conflict with a narcissist, they are winning. All they need to do to make you dependent on them is to distract you from all of the things that make your life rich. As long as your attention is always focused on them, they control you.
On the other hand, as long as you prefer to be alone, writing, sculpting, welding, you win. As long as you prefer to be with someone who gives you four quarters for a buck, you’re free. You don’t owe that person anything. “Sorry. We don’t recognize this debt here.”
So watch out for this kind of insanity, man. Don’t let it pull you in. Walk on out. If you can’t immediately—if it’s a boss or a co-parent—keep your head down and leave when you can.
Don’t keep giving your heart to people who give you nothing but a hard time. You can love someone from a distance. If they loved you, they wouldn’t ask you to love them in a way that hurts you.
So be cool, brother. Stay true to you.
Peace. Stay tuned for the next article when I talk about smoke screens.
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