I recently wrote an article about growing up with an NPD. That stands for narcissistic personality disorder. Someone with this condition has an inflated sense of their own importance. They show a lack of empathy and don’t seem to care about other peoples’ feelings, crave admiration, and can go into a rage if you criticize them.
One of the tactics commonly used by NPDs is gaslighting, though other people can also do it. It is a form of emotional abuse that can make the victim feel like their perception of reality is wrong.
The term itself comes from the movie of the same name originally released in 1940; it was based on a play from 1938. The villain in the movie is a husband who wants to put his wife in an institution, so he emotionally manipulates her so she thinks she is going crazy.
What does gaslighting feel like?
If you start to feel like something is off when you are with someone and you wonder if your perception of reality is off — the person may be gaslighting you.
Please be aware, I am not a psychologist or licensed therapist. However, I have been the victim of gaslighting and I’ve learned to detect some of the signs. Hopefully, my experiences can help you — but remember, if you suspect that you are being abused like this, seeking competent and professional help is necessary.
That being said, here are some of the signs you might notice:
- The person tells you their version of the truth but it doesn’t match up to what you remember. For example, you may remember telling them you couldn’t do them a favor, but they tell everyone you had promised to do it. Others may take the NPD’s side and even you may be unsure if they are right or not, because it seems so unlikely that someone would so blatantly lie. Yet, the NPD may not even realize they are lying.
- They disregard your needs or concerns. If you insist on being heard, you are told that you are unreasonable, selfish, overly sensitive, crazy, or any number of other traits that make you question yourself. For example, maybe a family member teases you in hurtful ways every time you interact. You tell them how this makes you feel. Instead of addressing your concerns, they turn it back on you. You are at fault for being humorless and overly sensitive. You end up wondering if maybe they are right. After all, would a normal, kind person go out of their way to hurt you? Of course, the NPD may not be motivated by a desire to give you pain so much as a need to make themselves feel good at your expense. It’s not necessarily personal, it’s just how they build themselves up.
- Talk to mutual acquaintances to discredit you. Often people believe the NPD instead of his or her victim because NPDs are often very charming people. Like a Venus flytrap, they create an aura that their victims find hard to resist, and it’s often not until they are trapped and being destroyed that they realize there’s a problem. If an NPD lies about you to others, don’t think that your innocence will protect you.
- Insist they are right even when you have actual evidence and facts to prove your case. They will refuse to acknowledge the validity of your data and if you persist in making your case you may trigger a narcissistic rage since they cannot deal with the possibility they are wrong.
How normal people often react to gaslighting
Do you find yourself feeling confused and overwhelmed a lot of the time? Do you start questioning your own competence, perceptions, and ability to make decisions? Do you keep second-guessing yourself and feel depressed? Have you internalized the perception that you can’t do anything and feel the need to constantly apologize? Do you blame yourself for being overly sensitive and feel that you no longer know who you are?
These may be signs you are a victim of emotional abuse. What can make this so insidious is that the truly clever NPD will imply they care deeply about you.
For example, your new boyfriend or girlfriend may tease you about being unable to put together an item from IKEA, even though, before you started dating, you used to do that all the time. You even have several items to prove it. Yet your partner insists you’re all thumbs. They tell you they’re only telling you the truth, unlike other people in your life, because they genuinely care. They may even believe it. That makes it even harder to fight since you can’t imagine anyone acting so hurtful to someone they care about.
If you find yourself deliberately lying to keep the peace, making excuses for the abuse and the abusive person, feeling self-doubt and questioning yourself, testing your words and actions to make sure they are correct, isolating yourself from people and activities you used to enjoy… these are signs you may be coping with the emotional abuse.
How gaslighting can progress
The gaslighting may have started small. And initially, it may have been easy to brush off. However, over time, as it continues, you may first try to assert the truth you’ve observed. But at some point you may just give in and accept their version of the truth.
How to differentiate between normal bad behavior and gaslighting
Let’s say you suspect your partner is cheating on you. You ask them about it. A normal person might lie about it, but an NPD will turn things around on you. A normal person might respond with denial, but an NPD will respond with rage. They may accuse you of being the one who is really cheating. They try to make you feel that you are the real problem, and to make you feel guilty.
Or let’s say your partner tries to get out of doing certain household chores. You ask nicely, you nag them, you try to come up with lists — nothing works. However, while none of this behavior is OK, with a normal person, there won’t be an attempt to make you out to be the bad guy. But an NPD will turn things against you and you may find yourself feeling depressed and guilty while continuing to do all the housework.
The reason gaslighting works is because you are seeing their behavior through the lens of normality. In a normal and healthy relationship, people don’t act in certain ways. So you can trust them.
The problem is that if you are not aware of gaslighting and NPDs, you will be incline to give them the benefit of the doubt and so you will be vulnerable to their manipulation. What makes it worse is that in many cases the NPD is not consciously trying to manipulate you. Their behavior is how they defend themselves in the reality they’ve created for themselves.
Often the manipulation is disguised in ways that the NPD hints are for your own benefit. They imply they are really just looking out for you. If you have insecurities or past traumas you are dealing with, it can be easy to fall for this.
How to defend yourself
One of the hardest things to do is to defend yourself against the manipulation and the gaslighting. NPDs are very good at what they do and their version of reality can be very compelling. It can be difficult to fight against, but the only way to reclaim your emotional health and have your life back is to honestly and courageously stick to objective reality and to not let them guilt you into sweeping your pain under the rug.
They don’t want you to set your own boundaries, but this is what you must do.
Here are some steps you can take to help yourself:
- Find a good counselor, therapist or other professional to help you. If you fear the reaction of the emotional vampire in your life — don’t tell them. If the only way you can get the help you need is by keeping it a secret from them — do it. Or lie and tell them you are going to counseling to fix your problems. While normally I’m not a fan of lying, this might be necessary to make sure you get the support you need.
- Talk to friends and family members you can trust. But remember, if they have been charmed by the NPD in your life, even if they should know better, they may not believe you. The best person to confide in is the friend or family member who never really liked the NPD. Maybe their spidey-sense was tingling thanks to their high EQ or their own experiences with NPDs. Unfortunately, the NPD may have encouraged you to cut ties with anyone they didn’t like. So it may take some time to re-establish the relationship, but it’s worth doing. You will have people in your life who can help you retain your sanity by offering a reality check when needed as well as emotional support.
- Keep a journal. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but write down the date and time and any events that the NPD might later try to deny occurred. Also keep other evidence — voice mails and texts, recordings of conversations, email evidence. Or have a friend listen in on speaker phone and take notes. This is not so you can confront them but so you can clarify that no, you are not crazy. Realize that even if you have rock solid evidence, others may still believe the NPD and not you. However, as long as you have clarity, you will be able to have confidence and protect yourself.
- Set your boundaries and protect them. Because this can be tough if you’ve never done it before, working with a therapist may be necessary. Ways to set boundaries may include things like changing the subject and refusing to engage on that particular topic. If they insist, leave the room or hang up the phone. If they call you a name, tell them it’s unacceptable and if they do it again you’ll leave, then follow through. Normal people will eventually learn to accept your boundaries even if they don’t like it. NPDs won’t accept them nearly as well and may abandon you. Which could be the best outcome for you.
When someone gaslights you, it can make you question your reality and feel a real loss of your own sense of self. You might find yourself feeling emotionally numb, depressed, and anxious. You may no longer have the energy you need to properly care for yourself.
Because gaslighting often starts gradually, it may take a while to recognize how harmful it is. A therapist or other professional can help you process and make sense of what’s happened. Supportive friends, setting boundaries, and keeping clear records can all help you find the clarity you need to overcome the emotional damage that’s been done.
Make the time to start taking care of your own needs. Be gentle with yourself. Believe you are strong enough to overcome the emotional abuse and to find a place of health. Believe that you deserve to be cared for and allow yourself to seek the support you need.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
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