In a world where chivalry and courtship seem to be the stuff of history books, and men complain that they shouldn’t have to pay for dinner if women want equality – it is plain to see that we need to bring some dignity back to dating and relationships.
My belief is that there are so many mixed messages about what women want in a relationship, that we, as guys, can easily get confused. Does she want her independence? Does she want to be courted? Will she be offended if you pick up the whole bill? But then if you don’t, you never get that second date. What gives?
The truth is, gentlemen, that the basic fundamentals of courtship have remained the same over time. The idea is to set yourself apart by showing a woman that you are genuinely interested in her, and are willing to put in consistent effort – not just during the first few dates, but over time (potentially forever).
If this sounds like a lot of work to you, consider this: A woman who loves and cares for you will always exceed or match your efforts. Teamwork makes the dream work. It is far more fulfilling to put effort into one relationship with a woman you truly love, than it is to put effort into always meeting a new woman a few months later because you didn’t give someone the attention she deserved.
As a gentleman in the modern era, you immediately set yourself apart by how you carry yourself, how you present yourself, and how you treat others. Being a gentleman is nothing more than holding higher standards for yourself than most of the population, this is why being a male is a matter of birth, being a man is a matter of age, but being a gentleman is a matter of choice.
But let’s cut to the chase, what can you do, realistically, in today’s dating world to attract a mature woman who is tired of playing games?
Yes, evolution and biology tell us that the biggest, baddest dog in the yard gets the girl. Hence, the brightest colored male birds finding the mate. The strongest gorilla passing his genes to the next generation. The strongest lion leading the pride.
But, what is necessary to the evolution of our species (and therefore attractive) is evolving, itself. Women who make their own money and have their own possessions are not impressed by yours. Sure, she will want to know you are ambitious and can match her efforts in life, but bragging about who you’ve met or what you drive or where you live, will send her running for the hills.
Remember: If you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. But if you’re great, everyone will tell you.
Alright, I can swear like a drunken sailor with the best of them, but there is a time and place for everything. In the presence of a lady in a dating scenario, try to clean it up a little bit. It’s one thing when you’ve become comfortable enough with each other to take off the filter, but for Pete’s sake, man, censor yourself at first.
Do not start eating.
Unless her food has come out, too. Remember – ladies first.
Do not talk badly about others.
There is nothing attractive about someone who has to make others look bad in order to make himself look better. If you are complaining about the people in your life, your date will begin to wonder what type of negative things you may say about her when she’s not around. Also, it shows poor judgement if you surround yourself with idiots.
If you are picking her up at 7:00, be there at 7:00. It’s not just a matter of being on time, it’s a matter of showing her early on that you stand by what you say, are reliable, and trustworthy.
Stand up and greet her if you are meeting her somewhere.
I personally would much rather pick a woman up for a date and have never had someone suggest that we meet somewhere because she was uncomfortable with me knowing her address, but I understand in the age of online dating sometimes this trust is a little harder to come by.
For this reason, some women may insist you meet at your destination. If this is the case, arrive first (never keep a lady waiting), and stand to greet her when she does arrive.
Maintain eye contact.
Don’t break a sweat doing your best not to blink and to stare into her eyes all night long…that would just be weird. But spending the evening staring at your shoes or the tablecloth is a great way to show your date that you haven’t quite mustered up the self confidence to have an adult conversation with her.
I understand it can be nerve-wracking to get to know someone new, particularly in a one on one situation. But when your nerves begin to get to you, remember that she is out with you because she is interested in you as well. Good eye contact is important, particularly when listening to her – it lets her know you’re paying attention.
Be kind to everyone.
I have always said that a person who is not nice to the waiter, waitress, or bartender – is not really a nice person. They can get everything right with how they treat you, but if they are rude to people they’re not trying to impress, this is a big red flag.
A gentleman is not kind to others because of who they are, he is kind to others because of who he is.
Keep your cell phone away at all times.
Unless you are an on-call doctor or Barack Obama, your emails can wait.
Pay for dinner.
All of it. All of the bill. The whole thing. It’s not about the money, it’s about the gesture.
Open all of the doors for her.
All of them.
Understand who leads and who follows.
When being seated at a restaurant, allow her to go first and follow behind the host or hostess. When walking through a more crowded place, though, you lead and help clear the path for her. For an added bit of charm, casually extend your hand behind you for her to hold onto. If she takes it while following you, take this as a good sign.
When ordering, she goes first.
The ultra old-fashioned still sometimes prefer to find out what their date would like and then order it for her, but to be safe – your best bet is to simply have her order first when the waiter or waitress arrives.
When walking together, you walk closest to the street.
The purpose of this lost art is to show your willingness to be splashed instead of a woman should a passing car run through a puddle. Furthermore, in some countries people would throw trash out of windows, and the person walking closer to the building, was less likely to be hit.
It’s an effortless way to show her that you care, and are willing to protect her.
Put your napkin in your lap.
It’s basic etiquette, you savage.
Do not have an ‘end goal’ for the date.
If your intentions for the evening are to take this woman home at the end of the night or something of the sort, she will be able to see right through you the entire time. This is a great way to ensure never getting a second date with her.
It is important to understand that if you are out with the right woman, there is no goal or final objective to be pursued with her. Time with her is the goal. Sharing an evening with her is the objective. Your time together is the entire point, therefore there is no “end” to work towards, because if you do things right, you will be seeing her again soon anyway.
Always gauge her comfort level and act accordingly.
Perhaps one of the more difficult but valuable things for men to do, is to learn to read women. Picking up on non-verbal cues, body language, and subtle facial expressions can change the entire course of your evening. It will tell you if you should or shouldn’t go for the kiss, should or shouldn’t suggest you go somewhere else after dinner, should or shouldn’t invite her back to your place for a drink.
Non-verbal communication is a very important piece of the puzzle. You will have far better chances with a woman if you can see she is tired or not feeling well and go home, than if you were to just hang around and overstay your welcome.
Patience is an important tool in any gentleman’s arsenal. Never rush her, never make her feel pressured, and never force yourself on her in any way.
Unfortunately, these simple guidelines are overlooked more often than not in today’s society. But the good news is, as a gentleman, it is easy to separate yourself from the crowd by putting in just a little bit more effort.
It will be appreciated, gentlemen – because the frustrated women of today are looking for you.
RSVP to join weekly calls on Love, Sex & Relationships
What Next? Talk with others. Take action.
We are proud of our SOCIAL INTEREST GROUPS—WEEKLY PHONE CALLS to discuss and help solve some of the most difficult challenges the world has today. Calls are for Members Only (although you can join the first call for free). Not yet a member of The Good Men Project? Join now!
Join The Good Men Project Community
The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $20 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $5, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission.
Register New Account
*Payment is by PayPal.
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request new password if needed).
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. PLATINUM MEMBER commenting badge and listing on our “Friends of The Good Men Project” page.
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($20 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($5 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, a listing on our Friends page, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time. This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
We have calls about these topics 7 days a week! Join us by becoming a Platinum or Gold member. (Click on the graphic for more information about the calls and to RSVP for them.)
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
Photo credit: Getty Images