Doctor NerdLove offers guys a step-by-step guide to creating a more fulfilling sex life.
So the other day, one of my exes was hitting me up for some relationship advice ((And this right here is likely the most unbelievable thing I have ever written)). She and her boyfriend were having issues connecting sexually. They were amazingly compatible in just about every area of their relationship except sex. The sex was just… enh.
My first question whenever someone tells me that their sex life is on the downward spiral is “Well… have you talked about it?” Not surprisingly, the answer was “no.” In fact, just about every time that’s the answer I get. My follow-up answer is almost always “Why the hell not?”
“Because Jackson1 thinks that it’s supposed to come naturally. If you spend too much time talking about it or making it happen it’s just not genuine,” she said.
This was the point when I asked for his address so I could beat him about the head and shoulders with the Chair Leg of Truth.
Unfortunately, this attitude—that if you’re really compatible, the sex should be completely unplanned, undiscussed and magic all by itself—is absurdly common. Somewhere along the lines, the idea developed that if you have to actually think about and talk about sex, you’re doing it wrong, and it causes no end of stress to otherwise happy relationships. This is one of the most asinine memes I have ever run across and not a day goes by that I wish I couldn’t kill it with fire.
Sex is an incredibly important part of a long-term relationship, and sexual dissatisfaction is one of the top relationship killers. Good sex requires more than just compatible genitals and it’s more than just knowing mechanical tricks like the reverse corckscrew swirl or the Rusty Venture; it requires a willingness to investigate, to really get aquainted with what it is you like and—most importantly—being able to communicate what you want to your partner.
So let’s talk about what it takes to actually get the sex you want.
Get In Touch With Yourself (By Touching Yourself)
Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.
– Woody Allen
Jerking off doesn’t get enough credit in my book. It’s more than just a case of “Wham-bam-thank-you-glans” way of getting off when you can’t find someone else to do the job for you. It’s a way of relieving stress and tension, a sleep aid, even a way of practicing chaos magick by using the orgasm-induced no-mind state to charge eldritch sigils according to Grant Morrison.
But beyond a convenient way of entertaining oneself when there’s nothing good on TV, masturbation is a valuable means by which to get information about what really gets you off.
One of the odd double-standards with regards is how we consider the comparative complexity of what it takes to get men and women to orgasm. Women, we are told, are akin to trying to pick a combination lock blindfolded and upside down – every woman is painfully complex and unique code of movements and pressures that you have to memorize. Meanwhile men are like McDonalds – you know exactly what it’s going to take every single time. The Big Mac is gonna be the same no matter whether you’re hitting the Golden Arches in Toledo or Tokyo. Up Up, Down Down, Left Right, Left Right B, A, MOVE YOUR HEAD!!
As fun as it is to reduce the complexity of the gendered sexual experience to a pair of stereotypes, it’s not really true. I’ve heard complaints from guys (and their significant others) who simply can’t get off without very specific routines and I’ve known women who were easier to get off than a pair of shoes.
What is true is how much masturbation affects our sexual experience in general. Women who masturbate regularly are more in tune with what actually makes them orgasm, which makes it much easier for them to orgasm during sex (please notice I very carefully said sex, not penetration… but I’ll get to that in a second.) Men on the other hand2 frequently don’t think very much about their masturbatory technique beyond “lube or no lube” and “did I remember to lock the bathroom door this time?” This lack of introspection cuts them off from a world of information – one that would greatly benefit their partners.
There’s more to getting a woman off than being able to identify the little man in the boat; there’s variations of levels of pressure, g-spot stimulation versus clitoral stimulation, whether direct clitoral stimulation feels best or they prefer indirect stimulation closer to the internal shaft. There’s also considerably more to getting a guy of than “grabbing his cock and pulling rhythmically”. The problem is that guys often don’t know exactly what it is they prefer… because they never stop to think about it. Do you prefer a firmer grip at the base of the penis and loosen as you move up, or do you keep a relatively light grip all around? Do you require high speed, or do you use a more moderate pace? Do spend more time manipulating the glans or do you put more pressure on the underside of the shaft. Do you use any sort of prostate stimulation whether directly (a finger or a sex-toy—ONE WITH A FLARED BASE, PLEASE) or indirectly (pressing something against your perenium)?
The more you know about the specifics of what brings you to orgasm during masturbation, the better equipped you are to actually tell your partner what you want… and that conversation can mean the difference between a ho-hum night or some of the most mind blowing oral sex you’ve ever had.
But Not TOO In Touch
Speaking of masturbation: a lot of guys can actually ruin their sex lives through masturbating. The penis is sensitive and can easily be acclimatized to levels of pressure and sensation, ones that the mouth, vagina or anus simply can’t match. Some men when masturbating use what is colloquially known as “The Death Grip”, where they grab their cocks as though they were trying to literally choke a chicken. Other men discovered masturbation by humping a pillow or a towel, or even the space between the mattress and the box spring of their beds. They become accustomed to this level of pressure or those intense textures and end up unable to actually orgasm via traditional sex, much to their frustration (and the frustration of their partners). Ultimately the only way to cure this is to deprive onself of those sensations when masturbating, even if it means that you’re jerking off and simply can’t come. After enough time, sufferers from the death grip will eventually be so backed up that they will start to respond to much less intense pressure and texture out of sheer determination.
It’s worth noting however, that this is a different matter from women who can’t orgasm without intense clitoral stimulation… but we’ll discuss this in a moment.
COMMUNICATE! COMMUNICATE! COMMUNICATE!
The most important part of the body when it comes to improving your sex life is your mouth. Yes, it’s great for kissing and oral pleasure… but it’s biggest role should be in talking with your partner. While there are lovers out there who are masters at reading body language and so adept at translating gasps, sighs and moans that it seems like they know what you want even better than you do, not everybody you’re going to sleep with is going to be a Charles Sexavier.
This means you’re going to have to actually talk to them about sex.
A general rule of thumb is that if you’re comfortable enough to swap body fluids with someone for fifteen minutes, you should be comfortable enough to be able to tell them what you want, sexually. This includes people you may have mentally designated as one-night stands. Just because you’re not planning to see them again (which could very well change, you know) doesn’t mean that the sex has to be awkward or uncomfortable. Being able to tell someone that you need more foreplay, that he’s not actually anywhere near your clitoris, that she needs to use way less (or way more) teeth or that you can’t come from penetration shouldn’t be something you’re afraid to tell someone you’re intimate with.
This extends to more than just the mechanics of sex, by the way. You may have the “insert tab-a into slot-b” aspects of your sex life down to a science with your partner, but if you have other needs that are being unaddressed, it can still affect your sexual satisfaction. Many people have fantasies and kinks—ones that their partners might well be willing to indulge them in – that they simply never bring up for fear of how others may react. A healthy, successful relationship means that you should be able to at least be able to discuss these topics without fear of judgement or ridicule from their partner. It may be something that your partner isn’t necessarily willing or able to fulfill but you shouldn’t feel as though you are somehow not allowed to have these interests or to talk about them.
Also: everybody needs to accept that suggestions and advice are not necessarily criticism. While there are women who have this problem as well, guys are the most prone to taking a suggestion that they could do something differently as a condemnation of their entire sexual repertoire. The suggestion that your partner would appreciate it if you spent more time on the upper left or right of the clitoral head rather than directly on it (or worse, under it) or that you need to use less pressure is not telling you that you are horrible in bed. Similarly, your boyfriend telling you that you have a tendency to rake your teeth in uncomfortable places isn’t getting the reaction that you’re expecting isn’t telling you that everything you know about sex is wrong. Everybody has different requirements and preferences; there is no universal technique that is going to please everybody, and just because your ex liked it doesn’t mean that all your future partners will too.
You Need to Unlearn
We pick up a lot of bad messages about sex from pop culture… and many of them come from porn. Now while I’ll be the first to tell you I loves me some porn, too many people look at porn sex as something to emulaterather than something to watch and jerk off to. Porn sex is not real sex, it’s performance, and it only bares the slimmest relationship to actual sex. In porn world, foreplay lasts minutes at best and usually involves playing with the nipples and vigorously fingering the vagina, maybe a little oral before slamming the cock home to earth-shaking orgasms like an industrial film directed by David Cronenberg. In the real world, not only is this not conducive to actual arousal, but it’s often painful if you’re not careful. It creates unrealistic expectations whether it’s how quickly women should expect to come (or how, or how they should signal that they’re coming) and how much endurance men should have. It puts far too much importance on penile-vaginal contact and minimizes the value of other forms of intimate sexual contact as inferior. Some aspects of porn – deep-throating a penis during oral sex, ejaculating on a woman’s face or breasts, fisting, “double” penetration, etc have taken on fetishistic value in the “real” world—even though it can be unpleasant at best or even potentially physically harmful at the worst, especially for a couple who isn’t experienced or ready to try it.
Expecting porn star sex in any context outside of an actual porn shoot is an invitation to frustration and dissatisfaction… and possibly some medical issues as well.
You Need To Experiment
Enough repetition can make anything boring, including good old-fashioned vanilla sex. You need to be willing to vary things up… and this means more than just going from missionary to female superior on occasion. If your sex live revolves around the same time, circumstances and location – in the evening, in the bedroom with the lights dimmed—you may find yourselves becoming bored by the routine, even if the sex itself is good. Even minor variations—grabbing a quicky over the kitchen table, making out on the living room couch, fumbling in the backseat of your car like a couple of horny teenagers—can inject some freshness and novelty into otherwise stale sex. But sometimes you need to shake things up a little more. Sometimes it’s a matter of expanding your concept of sex.
Maybe your partner read (God help ‘em…) 50 Shades of Gray and suddenly has an interest in being tied up and disciplined. Maybe a porn scene about a college professor and a horny grad student got you off more than you expected and you’re curious to see if you can recreate that excitement with your girlfriend.
Or you—or your significant other—may have other desires that aren’t being met yet but you’ve always wanted to try.
Like I said earlier, some partners have kinks and fantasies that they’ve always wanted to indulge, but may not have felt comfortable bringing up to their partners… and you should consider indulging them. While there are some kinks that are just too far for many people – usually ones involving bodily fluids—others may be a bit odd or even off-putting but are ultimately harmless. To steal a line from Dan Savage, couples should aspire to being good, giving and game—good in bed, giving to their partners and game to try things just because their partners are aroused by them. Who knows… on the one hand it may just not be your cup of tea but it gets your partner off like a rocket. On the other, you may discover an untapped well of heretofor unknown kink of your own.
Don’t Fear a Helping Hand (Or a Prop or Two)
Too many people, male and female have bought into the idea that a “look ma no hands” orgasm is somehow inherently superior to all other forms of sex; if she (or he, for that matter) can’t come through strictly vaginal sex (or blowjobs or…) then it just isn’t as good somehow.
To be perfectly blunt, this is ALL KINDS of bullshit. It’s this sort of thinking that leads people to unsatisfactory sex and feeling somehow inferior for it because they can’t get their partner to come the way the porn stars do. Statistics time! Only 25% of women are consistently able to orgasm through strictly vaginal penetration. Almost every other woman requires direct clitoral stimulation which is almost impossible to achieve sufficiently during intercourse. However, because of the perceived desirability of the “no-hands” orgasm, women often don’t do what it takes (stimulating themselves, having their partner stimulate them) to achieve orgasm during sex… whether it’s because they feel they “should” be able to come during penetration or for fear of insulting or offending their partner.
Furthermore, some women require intense direct stimulation in a way that most humans simply can’t replicate and require outside toys like vibrators… yet some people find vibrators intimidating, even offensive. The problem are the people who see a vibrator as competition somehow—that it’s use is either a tacit admission that he simply can’t bring her to orgasm and is thus less of a man or that this mechanical device pleasures her in a way he can’t possibly keep up with. By holding onto this attitude—that “my woman shouldn’t need this if I’m around”—is counter-productive; all it ends up doing is closing a potential avenue to even better sex. The idea that a vibrator is somehow competition is silly; better to see it as it really is: a toy, a tool that he can use to make things mind-blowing.
This perceived supremacy of the “look ma no hands” orgasm affects guys too. Many guys can’t necessarily achieve orgasm through oral sex alone but feel that they should… yet resist the idea of playing with themselves or allowing their partner to use a hand as well as their mouths. Others may have a hard time coming from penetrative sex but gamely try to push their way through it (as it were) rather than using their hand (or their partner’s) to get them off; somehow not coming through penetrative sex is seen as less “manly” or less “real” .
When you open your mind (and other funbits) to expanded definitions of sex, when you quit worrying about what’s “real” or “genuine” and start to encompass outside help, suddenly the world is your oyster.
You have options and—more importantly, orgasms—that you never had before. Openness, communication, honesty and a willingness to try things you’ve never done before… these are the keys to finally having the sort of sex you’ve always really wanted.
Originally appeared at Paging Dr. NerdLove
Photo: Flickr/Por mi tripa…
Great article. I’d also like to offer Dork Daddy’s opinion here. He urges us to keep our cool: https://goodmenproject.com/marriage-2/its-just-sex-dammit/
Sorry Julie, but when someone tells another person they are “worried about them”, for sharing their own opinions and experiences with honesty and depth, that’s condescending. Except for the wayward email once or twice about how you agree with what I say but you won’t respond to the comments anymore about porn, I have no clue why you believe or how you believe you’ve “reached out to me”. The last email exchange we had I sent you a response and you said nothing in return. I am your equal. I am not someone you need to continue to act like… Read more »
I don’t believe you need to fix any thing Erin and any belief you have that I’m targeting you is off base as I argue with a lot of people on GMP, but no matter. If you feel targeted I send apologies to you. At this point, our conversations to each other are causing more harm than good. I’ve already stated emphatically that your points and feelings are valid, so there is nothing more I can do to convince you. You do and feel and believe what you need to do and feel and believe and that is what is… Read more »
“I am no different from anyone else here and I don’t appreciate you targeting me as if I was somehow less than the rest of you.” No one is saying you are somehow less, but you are acting different from the rest of people here. You are going off into rants about porn which drip with extremely sexist generalizations, yet pretty much no one else appears to be doing that. People have told you about this but you seem to be ignoring their messages and continuing on these rants. I AM WORRIED ABOUT YOU, you do not act like others… Read more »
Archy, you were advised awhile ago to cool your discussions with me. I have largely upheld my end of the bargin. Despite alot of negative and offensive comments you’ve made specific to me, I have remaind slient. You have gotten away with a lot in how you’ve talked to me. It has not gone unnoticed by the people on this board. So before you begin to create the illusion that it’s you and the board against me, I would be careful about paying more attention to how you yourself are preceived. I have let you have your say and have… Read more »
Unfortunately, this attitude—that if you’re really compatible, the sex should be completely unplanned, undiscussed and magic all by itself—is absurdly common. Somewhere along the lines, the idea developed that if you have to actually think about and talk about sex, you’re doing it wrong, and it causes no end of stress to otherwise happy relationships. This is one of the most asinine memes I have ever run across and not a day goes by that I wish I couldn’t kill it with fire. It’s just that in my environment it seems plainly obvious that this attitude (no need for, or… Read more »
It was a metaphorical beating, not serious…Like slapping someone with the truth. It’s a violent choice of words but doesn’t mean someone actually being beaten….
Just a comment noting that “Dr. Nerdlove” is no longer worthy of comment.
And yet you commented. Interesting….
It’s a handy reminder to everyone that Nerdlove is no friend to men, in case they’ve forgotten.
Otherwise, pretty good advice I guess. Most of it seem pretty obvious to me. But you still need a partner who is *open* to communication, and variation.
“Well, have you talked about it?”
“No… Because every time I tried to bring up the subject, in whatever mood, circumstance or environment, my then-GF would respond with a dismissive “It’s nothing to talk about! Women just don’t have the same sex drive that men has. It’s biological!” “
Communication, moderation in porn use, variety in masturbation, and experimentation. Know what you want and know how to request it. Sounds like pretty decent advice on the whole.
One more… love the “Chairleg of Truth!”
Awesome.
Yes… Because every men obviously deserve a solid beating with a blunt object every now and then, their being rude or just clueless, just for no particular reason, right…?
Hey FlyingKal, apparently women deserve to be fisted and doubly penetrated and verbally abused for men’s pleasure. And hey, these things are okay to do because it’s “fantasy”. So sure, why not. Is it wrong to fantasize about being a man with a blunt object for being rude? Can’t be any more wrong that imaginging choking a woman with your penis, slapping her around, spitting on her or fisting or doubly penetrating her right?
Hey Erin, I can’t see anywhere in the article that the author is fantasizing about this, or suggesting that it’s something anyone ought to do against their partner’s will.
So, what were you saying…?
And it makes the guy sound just so much more compassionate when the subject of the imaginary beating is his ex’s new boyfriend. Ha!
I’ve got some quips: 1. I would’ve liked to have some examples, or more guidance, on exactly HOW to approach discussing these sensitive topics. I think most dudes love to chat after sex, get a read on how we did, etc. How we go into that discussion (looking for praise vs. real inquiry for the sake of deeper connection) will play a big factor in the quality of transparency that emerges. And giving feedback while in the act is a bit of an artform. “More like this…” vs. “Don’t do that…”. Feel me? 2. I’m not clear on WHY porn… Read more »
From one woman’s perspective, the problem isn’t that porn sex is unrealistic, but that porn sets unrealistic expectations around sex. You can absolutely play games, have wild/hard/fun/adventurous/silly sex! Costumes, toys, positions, role-playing, whatever gets both partners going! Expectation 1: A man’s erect penis is enough to have a woman cat-in-heat horny. This (usually) isn’t true. Expectation 2: She will be so aroused, foreplay is optional. In porn, I see women get no foreplay at all, and not NEED any. (Because they’re lubed up like a stockcar’s pistons.) If they do get some attention, it’s only to their nipples and vagina.… Read more »
Booster, to answer your second point, because I don’t think most women want to have to model other women that have been pitted up against unrealistic expectations that you’ve been looking at since you were probably 12 years old. We’d like the freedeom to be ourselves. That doesn’t mean things can’t get wild. But we don’t want to have to copy your favorite porn stars just so your happy with us. That feels the like the opposite of having freedom of sexual expression. Please remember thatm ost porn is made mainly for men. It is not made for women or… Read more »
Good points. And we’re not even touching on some of the other negative side effects of porn. (1) The slippery slope of porn addiction, in which men need more and more graphic (and often dehumanizing or even violent) porn to achieve orgasm; (2) the emotional damage these breathing silicone sex-dolls due to women, as we are constantly told to BE them. You need bigger & perkier tits, fuller lips, a tight butt, a vulva as smooth as veal cutlet, and a bleached anus! Seriously?! Be skinny, be tall, be sexual, be this contrived marketing-made version of desirable. Because it’s what… Read more »
…these breathing silicone sex-dolls… I presume you mean the women performers? Talk about slut-shaming… When you listen to whatever music you like, does it make you feel like you’ll never be accepted and loved unless you have perfect pitch, a wide range, can play an instrument, and are a talented song-writer? Does it make you less accepting and loving of others who lack those talents, or have them in lesser amounts than popular musicians? Porn is sex as a performed art. It can be appreciated without dehumanizing the performers (as your sex-doll characterization did), and without expecting or demanding that… Read more »
If I was a performer, then yes I could expect that the examples put before me are an expectation of my audience. But I am not a performer, therefore no one expects me to perform like one.
I am a woman, and the examples put before me of other women are an expectation of what a woman is by the men who create and view those examples.
**I wouldn’t call it slut-shaming. Women who sell their bodies to make money are prostitutes. Whether they do it on camera or not.
This is where the crux of the matter is. Is porn for art? For entertainment only like a tv show? or does it wind up serving as defacto sexual education and erotic literacy in a culture that damns and disallows sex ed in schools and provides most of its citizens no access to understanding pleasure, at least in ways that are open and communicated about. With art, I’ve had the opportunity to a) take classes, b) get a tutor, c) see live and filmed performances, meet performers etc. All in the open, all guilt and shame free and all looked… Read more »
This has got to be one of the most interesting and also hilarious points I’ve ever read. I think that it’s entirely possible that you are right, that there are people out there who are smart enough and differentiated enough to know that their lover will never play or sing songs like Norah Jones. And. I also think it’s possible that some people, given the lack of sex education and erotic literacy in America, will take many cues from porn (and porn is filmed to be viewed which means non realistic angles etc) and expect that things they see on… Read more »
You’ve got an interesting point, Julie. Where do I draw the line between erotic art and exploitation? I don’t mind nude art, and I love erotic storytelling, but I don’t think porn is art. Why? Where do I draw that line? I think, in the end, it’s a personal consideration we all make. About all kinds of things in our lives.
So my question is, where is the line, and why. I too, would say at this point that most modern and corporate porn is industrialized and does not meet my standards of artistic expression, though I’ve seen much erotic film that does hit that quality of art. It’s independently produced, often queer or woman produced, and very niche filmmaking. There is a festival called CineKink that has amazing short erotic films. Cindy Gallop’s Make Love Not Porn is also an amazing example of erotic imagery created with mutuality and consensuality in mind. I think the majority of what I’ve viewed… Read more »
I think the line is different for everybody, and I think that’s okay. It’s part of the Art discussion. I love comics, and some of my Art friends don’t think comic book art is Art. But, I do. At least some of it. And yeah, you’re absolutely right. There’s a lot of amazing erotic film/theatre/literature out there that definitely qualifies, in my book, as Art. I own a bit of it. I love all of it. I was a MOSEX member in NYC. I loved going to burlesque shows or to go see independent erotic films, but I never counted… Read more »
I suppose the divisions I see with people are mainly those that see mass consumption/mass produced/industrialized porn as exploitative of both men and women, viewers and performers and those who don’t see it that way or don’t care. I think this is related to how we as a culture have been encouraged to see industrialized anything as good for you-it’s killed our empathy. At the risk of using an ironic example, the difference between mass produced food and organic and local produce. One is cheaper and easier to get certainly, but by damn there are often a lot of ethical… Read more »
That’s a heck of a good point, Julie. Well said. And I totally, 100% agree with you. Thanks for saying so eloquently what I was too sarcastic and glib to express properly.
It’s Friday, so let’s all commit to better sex (and better erotic entertainment) this weekend! Ciao!
Marcus Williams, I find it interesting that you were ready to jump on Autumn for “slut-shaming” because of the part you quoted her saying, ”breathing silicone sex-dolls.” Are you ever worried, offended, concerned or stand-up against the slut-shaming that happens in actual porn movies? Such as the movies that call women four letter names and treats them derogatory? Do these things ever concern you like you were just concerned about Autumn’s comments that you interpreted as slut-shaming? Do you ever stand up against them like you were to Autumn? I always find it really weird how often men will jump… Read more »
Erin [Insert last name here], you write, “But boy, a woman steps in and points out a reality of how women in porn are treated like sex dolls…”, but look again at what Autumn wrote, which was: And we’re not even touching on some of the other negative side effects of porn… (2) the emotional damage these breathing silicone sex-dolls due to women, as we are constantly told to BE them [Emphasis added.] It’s like the difference between saying, “Women in porn are treated like sluts,” which is what you’ve said many times and in many threads, and “Women in… Read more »
It’s possible that Autumn might have been using language in way to say…porn casts women as “breathing silicone sex-dolls” though she may not have been. People often type quickly and some people see words more precisely than others which leads to misunderstandings and shenanigans. It might have been worth while asking her originally, otherwise we wind up language policing like this. She might also have meant what she said as she said it. I would say that porn casts women as “BSSD’s” though the women themselves as performers are playing that role, and are real people, but the imagery doesn’t… Read more »
Fair enough, Julie. Comments aren’t generally a zone for the most careful of writing, so I’ll cut Autumn some slack here, and assume she meant something like Erin, about women being *treated like* breathing silicone sex dolls. In that case, I object to yet another generalization about how all men see and think about women in porn, despite several men sharing themselves as examples that contradict that all-encompassing theory. If it’s ungenerous of me to think someone just left out a word to make their language more figurative, isn’t it even worse to assert that someone thinks and feels nearly… Read more »
Sure. But you know my evolving opinion on comment threads and dialogue happening online.
Marcus Williams, I never said, “women in porn are treated like sluts”. I don’t believe in calling women “sluts” to begin with. So I certainly don’t believe saying any woman is treated like a “slut” because I think “slut” has been used to shame women for their sexuality. It doesn’t feel like you’ve really read or paid attention to what I’ve said. Sometimes when men easily throw around these words about women that are derogatory or talk about really aggressive and most likely unpleasant sexual acts (hello “fisting), its like men just don’t believe women are worth anything. Maybe women… Read more »
Erin, guess what. Some people like fisting. I know this comes as a surprise, but just because you don’t, doesn’t mean others wouldn’t like certain things.
Julie, actually, that doesn’t come off as a surprise to me because I never said some people don’t infact like it. Some people might like double penetration too. But I hardly think it’s something most women like….. or men.
But if other people have experience with this, they are free to chime in. My guess is that most women do not ask to be doubly penetrated or fisted. My guess is that most men do not have partners that are asking for that to happen.
When I ssaid, “…or men”, I meant it’s not something most men would like to have done to them yet usually men are okay with seeing women treated in ways they would never want to be treated themselves.
Oh well. I usually like Harris O’Malley but he is just another guy that defends porn. Same old, Same old.
I think you’d be surprised at what happens in bedrooms. Very few people talk openly about what they experiment with. In my city alone there are several erotic shops and other groups that teach classes in all manner of things, including fisting, which if done properly can be a very mutually enjoyable (and even gentle and loving) experience for each partner. However, how fisting is shown in porn, is not what I’d call “done properly” unless the porn is lesbian porn about that very topic. People feel extremely fearful of sharing their actual desires in public spaces. Some people desire… Read more »
If I can chime in, I realize some women like extreme sex but like Erin I hate that porn has taught men (and a lot of women) that sex is supposed to be about extreme acts and if a woman (or man, for that matter) isn’t interested in doing crazy out-of-bounds stuff, he/she must be a boring uptight prude. There is a lot of contempt thrown around at “vanilla” sex including in articles I seen on GMP which are supposed to be sex positive. Sex positive has almost come to be a synonym for kinky these days. And vanilla means… Read more »
I believe the prevalence if anal sex in porn has taught men that it is essential or they are “missing out”. Maybe this is a generational thing or something, or else I’m a very unusual man, because I see this kind of claim frequently, but it’s so far from true for me. It’s plausible to me that the impact of porn on one’s expectations might be different for a man in his 20’s who grew up with easy access to a range of explicit porn, than to a middle-aged guy like me, who rarely saw anything more explicit than a… Read more »
That brings to mind this scene from Sex and the City: Charlotte and Brian
My wife and I got a laugh out of it because one of the reasons Charlotte couldn’t do it (in a previous scene) was because she was “a Smithie.” Now whenever I ask her to do anal my wife, also a Smithie, employs this same protest. Neither of us are interested in anal, though, so that’s perhaps why it’s a big joke to us rather than a source of anxiety.
Julie, you are taking issue with the things I’m saying yet you agree what goes on in porn probably isn’t so great. So it’s not like you even really disagree with me. You just seem to believe that I don’t understand that some people sincerely enjoy fisting. I do understand this. But I do not care what people do in their own homes. I care about what social media is doing to drive human sexuality and how it’s impacted both men and women. You make this distinction yourself when you talk about the fisting class vs fisting porn. I am… Read more »
I am totally with you Sarah. You’ve made a point that I thought a lot of myself. When did “vanilla” sex, which to me, is simply “straight-up sex” become less then doing all this other crazy stuff? I think you made such a GREAT point about how “sex positive has almost come to be synonym for kinky these days.” People think “sex positive” is acting like porn-stars when sex positive, to me, is acting like YOU. Whether that means doing anal or not. But so many freaking men in my experience in real life with the men I’ve dated and… Read more »
“People think “sex positive” is acting like porn-stars when sex positive, to me, is acting like YOU. ” Right. And for some people that is going to look very different than it does to you. I act nothing like a porn star, believe me. But I’m exceedingly sex positive, playful, creative and interesting in the history of, cultures around, and dynamics of human sexuality. This that you wrote here? “It’s not even a question about what things are being done to men .Because things aren’t done to men in the sexual world. Men do things and women are the ones… Read more »
Marcus, porn exists as it is because that is largely what a majority of porn watches wanted it to be. Otherwise, it wouldn’t exist as it does. Peope wanted to see more graphic, violent and abusive sexual acts. I don’t think anyone is arguing that anal sex existed long before internet porn. I think what some women find troubling is the stories that are told about women through porn, their sexuality, their bodies and how much men are connecting those stories of women to what real women and femininity should be and projecting that onto women. It’s also not just… Read more »
Wait, as a man I should feel I am missing out because I don’t get anal sex or get to slap women around? Dafuq? I watch A LOT of porn, wanna know the most common stuff? Solo masturbation and amateur couples having sex. I LOVE seeing women enjoy themselves, I love seeing couples enjoy themselves, if there is any analsex I skip it because I have no interest in it. I watch women 18-50+, variety of body types, variety of races, I do have preferences yes but it doesn’t mean I dislike everyone else. I have a major preference for… Read more »
“Do men even really enjoy or like just a regular woman’s sexuality anymore?” I would (currently single, hence I look at porn) enjoy regular sex with hopefully oral sex (both give and receive), no anal, if she wants I’ll use toys on her but I’m not fussed, I like vaginal sex + massages/manual stimulation + oral sex. Anal sex is a no no for me, not interested, don’t want it. I have no desire to fist a woman and especially not be fisted. The limit of my kink would maybe be sex outdoors but not where people can see. Is… Read more »
“Can you imagine any movie where African American men are called racially negative names for the enjoyment and physical pleasure of another race?” Please don’t try to compare dirty talk against women with racial prejudice, I’ve never known people enjoy being called racist words yet I do see women who enjoy being called a dirty lil whore n what not in the heat of the moment. I know someone that enjoys being slapped, yet slapping someone without consent is illegal and constitutes assault yet in the context of BDSM it’s ok if the person slapped wanted it. Your analogy fails… Read more »
Julie said: “Right. And for some people that is going to look very different than it does to you.” Yeah, I think I was pretty clear that people all have different sexualities. That was largely my main point. Julie said: “In all my days, Erin, I just do not recognize what you are referring to, this “smile sweetly” business. Good grief, you are hanging out with the WRONG people if that is really what you are facing. Everything you write makes me feel really worried about you, Erin, not the men. Like, what the hell is going on in your… Read more »
I’ve reached out to you before Erin. Nothing has changed. I am worried about you, whoever you are, because you seem like you are in pain. You can choose to believe it or not, and frankly, you could email me yourself if you wanted to dialogue as well. This works both ways. I’m not condescending to you. If I was, it would have been mean and insulting, all of which wouldn’t be a kind thing to do to someone who is clearly struggling with something. Or I would have responded only to Archy or someone else. I don’t take up… Read more »
Do you ever stop to think that maybe people are encouraging you to date other people or find new types of men because you make it so clear that those ones currently in your life are hurting you? Should I have encouraged you to keep dating porn users who make you feel bad? If I know there are men out there who might not make you feel bad, shouldn’t I point out that they exist? Your viewpoint, that you don’t like porn, is as I’ve said many times, valid. Your viewpoint, that the men in your life who are harming… Read more »
Julie, I also wanted to add that you were specific to only talk about women that would want fisting done to them. Perhaps there are men that want fisting done to them. Straight men. Perhaps men need to see and talk about men who enjoy fisting to see if they like it or not..and perhaps they don’t. I don’t know. YOu didn’t really say anything about men so maybe you believe that fisting is something only women should have done to them? I don’t know. I do know that it seems a lot of sexual acts are created in porn… Read more »
Erin, I was responding to your post about women and fisting so I reference women and fisting. There are many men, gay and straight, that enjoy a wide variety of sexual experiences and yes, fisting is something that happens in male sexuality. And yes, straight men that I have known, personally, have been fisted. Because they were curious about it. I’m really astounding by your posts. It’s as if you have no interest in looking at the history of sex, because all the acts that occur in porn have been part of human sexual repertoire since forever. Bondage, S/M, anal,… Read more »
Julie, I think the issue is that some men are not trying to negotiate anything, they just want what they want. Which is fine but what I want is fine too. I don’t want anal sex, for example. That is NOT negotiable. I’ve tried it, don’t like it and won’t do it. But where did we get to the point where wanting to do wild & wooly stuff is great and wonderful but NOT wanting to do it means you are uptight and miserable (as you’ve painted Erin?) I would never degrade a guy for asking for anal sex but… Read more »
Then don’t date these men. There are men out there that aren’t acting that way is my point. I don’t know if Erin is miserable, but her posts sound like it. I don’t hear much ever from her about what’s good about sex, what’s great about relationships, what’s awesome about, I don’t know, her own activism or something. It’s just “men are horrid and make women do horrible things” and frankly, that just sounds passive and victimy. Don’t date those men. Find other ones. I know plenty of men who may watch or have watched porn? But don’t live there,… Read more »
And I did say, have the sex you want to have and nothing is wrong with that. Just don’t accuse women who have other desires of being brainwashed or forced or faking it to make men happy.
Also, if a guy wanted to watch porn…you list a huge amount of questions and then assumptions. What about actually have a dialogue, like intimate people would have, about those questions and your feelings, his reasons, places where you agree and disagree? This is what I don’t get. The reactivity is so high and so intense. Like you’d immediately assume he is a horrible person and nothing he could say could get you into dialogue about any of it, culture, history, personal stories… I dont’ get it.
“All I’m hearing from you is a complete denial that sex (wild, weird, wooly sex) can be mutually awesome and consensual AND not be vanilla.” Indeed, and I doubt she means to sound that way but that’s how it’s coming across. It really sounds like she’s saying men are big bad monsters who do all this bad shit to women and women are innocent lil flowers being taken advantage of, forced to do this n that. “But what I get from your posts is that you’d castigate him to the point of him never being safe enough to negotiate anything… Read more »
“But where did we get to the point where wanting to do wild & wooly stuff is great and wonderful but NOT wanting to do it means you are uptight and miserable (as you’ve painted Erin?) I would never degrade a guy for asking for anal sex but I’m still going to say no.” Have you read all of Erin’s comments? Julie isn’t painting her as uptight because she doesn’t wanna do wild n wooly stuff. Not wanting to wild n woooly stuff is normal, hell I don’t wanna have anal sex, I am only interested in intercourse, oral and… Read more »
“Not one man seemed shocked by the mention of these sexual acts. Can you understand how disturbing and scary that is as a woman that these sexual acts simply don’t appear to even phase men any more because porn has so normalized them and men have been so engrossed in the world of porn since they were young boys?” I’m not shocked by the mention of them nor am I shocked by the mention of war, I am shocked by the act. Quite frankly I have no idea why people do it or how it’s even pleasurable, I wouldn’t want… Read more »
“I always find it really weird how often men will jump up to defend porn or women in porn but you never do the same thing for real life women.” You know Marcus personally? You honestly think that he and other men don’t defend women in real life? I can’t speak for Marcus but I am someone who defends SOMEPARTS of porn and I defend women in real life. I have told people to stop slutshaming, I’ve cracked the shits at people who talk negative about pole dancers, strippers, porn stars, nurses, all kinds of women. I find it strange… Read more »
“I am a woman, and the examples put before me of other women are an expectation of what a woman is by the men who create and view those examples.” No, they are a POTENTIAL expectation. Good god how hard is it for people to understand fantasy and reality can be wildly different? That what a man looks at in porn may not be anything he wants in reality? The examples you see in porn are what SOME men enjoy, not all men like the same videos nor do they all expect women to be like that. So how can… Read more »
i think porn star sex is fine if both want it, but often women don’t want it. They may just pretend to go along with it. I’ve watched some porn, mostly put of curiosity, and like a lot of women, I find most of the sex portrayed in porn looks uncomfortable if not painful. I like vigorous sex but a lot of porn goes way past that. That said, some women love that kind of sex I suppose. YMMV
What type of sex exactly? Porn star sex is like saying human sex, it varies so much. I’ve seen everything from degrading filthy sex in porn to warm n sweet loving sex so which is it that is bad? There is sex that I want which does happen to be in porn but that doesn’t mean I want a pornstar in the bedroom, I want a woman who WANTS to have sex with me in the bedroom. The women pretending to go along with it are doing themselves a huge disservice…This is the kinda culture we get when sex is… Read more »
Some women cannot orgasm through vaginal intercourse. They just can’t. The clitoral nerves are complex and while 30% of women may find themselves the lucky few who can orgasm through penetrative friction alone, the rest do not. If you want that joint O while thrusting, a bullet vibe will come in handy for her. Also, if you are using the vibe, it is you and her having the orgasm, not like it’s fake. For those women who cannot and have not had orgasms without vibrators, it’s not a “fault” of her or the man, it’s just how her body works.… Read more »
And if the woman is uncomfortable with bringing toys into the “action”, with a little fantasy it’s usually no problems to try out a method were you can stimulate her with your fingers simultaneously to the “thrusting”, should you both so desire… 😉
Hopefully those women wouldn’t mind a bit of visual stimulation added too for the men, a bit of porn to go with their vibrators. 😛
1 million awesome points for the Spider Jerusalem image. And for Charles Sexavier. Brilliant.
And thanks for the mention about unrealistic expectations set by porn. I have had to re-educate a lot of my partners at the beginning of our relationship. “Actually no. You being aroused does not necessarily mean I am. And no, hitting the most sensitive of my 2000 parts like you’re drilling for oil does NOT, in fact, feel really good. It actually hurts sometimes. I’m sorry your other partners decided to fake it instead of helping you–and her–have better sex. But no worries–I’m here now!”
You know, I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I realized there’s another possible explanation. I have met few women, let alone men, who understand female sexual arousal and physiological response. And then I remembered something from way back when… My first sexual partner used to complain that I would sometimes hit her cervix, which was a bit painful. (As a bit of background, I have an average length penis and I’m pretty sure I won’t be taking Ron Jeremy’s place anytime soon.) Other times, however, she would ask for harder and deeper and I would be confused. I… Read more »
Good, humorous read. I reached the end of the article and STILL found myself laughing at the death grip, choke the chicken references. Hilarious. I agree with many points you’ve raised here – experimentation, communication and co-sign the fact that good sex just doesn’t occur magically, at least not enough to write home about. For myself, I’ve been naturally attracted to a woman and sometimes the next was good and sometimes it wasn’t. What I’ve learned the difference to be (more times than not) is the mental stimulation we’ve experienced beforehand. And once she and I reached the level where… Read more »