Almost everyone I know has been through one. A heartbreak is hard to describe. These can occur in many forms.
I’m primarily focused on the kind of heartbreak that occurs when someone decides not to be with you anymore.
When you’re in a relationship, it takes a toll. It pulls at your will. It can drain you to the core. You go through a slew of emotions, up and down.
You can have the highest highs and the lowest lows. You can feel complete — almost lacking nothing — and you can feel lonely, needy for everything.
There’s a reason, though.
The reason for this is because relationships possess something that is powerful. It’s possibly the most powerful thing in the world.
Love
Love is one of the few things in this world that can universally affect people from any place in life.
Crimes of passion happen in the name of love. Almost everything we do is wrapped up into a longing for something or someone.
There are many scenarios in life where people cannot relate to one another.
We have classes of families. We categorize and define people by how big their bank accounts are. Someone from the upper class is usually totally disconnected from someone in the lower class.
But they both know what a heartbreak feels like. They’ve probably both felt that helpless and lonely feeling.
You might be reading this now and thinking back on the most recent one you’ve experienced.
Insecurity creeps in. You start to ask the irrational questions. You wonder if you’ll be alone forever. You feel like you just lost your one chance to have a life with someone.
Heartbreak leaves you busted up inside. It leaves you helpless. Everywhere you go it seems like people are smiling.
You wonder if you’ll feel that again.
Days go by. You start to strategically distract yourself. Maybe you go out with friends. You find moments of time where you catch yourself laughing.
Wow, that feels good.
The problem is when you go home, you know the feeling that’ll be there, waiting. Thoughts of that person will flood your mind as soon as you find a moment to yourself.
We can relate. You aren’t alone.
Heartbreak Takes Everything From You
Another reason why the feelings of heartbreak are so universal is because relationships take everything we have.
It involves more than just being physically tired.
Emotional toll and exhaustion is real. And it’s one of the most tiring feelings in this world. It can paralyze you.
When you’re physically tired you can go to bed and find rest that feels good.
When you’re emotionally broken, there’s nowhere to hide. You are empty, you are beaten down, and you don’t want to try.
You don’t want to go to work or make dinner or do laundry. You don’t want to do anything but sit in sorrow.
There’s a really popular song by Adele called Someone Like You. The first verse of this song was written by her on the edge of her bed while she was waiting for the shower to heat up.
At the time, she was emotionally distraught over a recent heartbreak. She was in her early twenties. Her avenue for healing was music. She wanted to put this emotion — this feeling — into words.
She didn’t know she was writing what would become one of the most popular songs worldwide. She was just trying to make sense of her brokenness at the time.
Love is wild.
Someone like Adele — who went through a heartbreak — can relate to a 16 year old boy who just lost his first love.
They both suffered through a situation that made them feel desperate and helpless, maybe even confused.
Those early nights are so tough, too.
And then there’s this gradual progress toward feeling normal. You might first experience moments of normal. And then after a month or two maybe you start having some days of normal.
But you’ll still get that occasionally rough one. Those days where you’re taken back to that moment of loss. You feel breathless. The insecurity comes back.
Those days can lead you back to those irrational questions. Will I be alone forever?
Heartbreak is Necessary
I know that we can rarely see the good side when we’re experiencing tough times. But in hindsight, we can usually see the picture more clearly.
Relationships are weighty.
The people we love — and the ones that love us — give us experiences and moments that wouldn’t exist if we never met them in the first place.
The fragility of your heart is greatest when it belongs to someone else. Someone in your life right now could most likely ruin your world with words.
Think about that.
Heartbreak shows us how important relationships are. It teaches us how to treat people. How to let them down easy.
We learn what other people feel like when they experience something similar, and we can be a friend to someone going through it.
When your world feels like it’s falling apart because someone you love has decided to walk away, you’re experiencing some of the most intense emotional swings you could ever go through.
It can make you feel eternally vulnerable or broken, and your heart might seem exposed.
You might dig an emotional hole and hide there for a while. You try to avoid the feelings of apathy that creep into every other part of your life. Everything probably hurts.
Time Will Heal
When you get through this shattered state — as impossible as that might seem — you will begin to realize something about yourself.
You’ll realize that you’re stronger than you thought you were. You’ll feel more independent. You might be a little guarded or less likely to dive into another love-endeavor.
But the most significant realization of all — you’re going to be okay.
Heartbreak can bring you to some of the darkest places you’ve ever been and you’ll start to discover new pieces of yourself.
It can feel like such a lonely place to be. And I know it never feels like anything good can come from those situations when you’re in them, but it can (and will) teach you something valuable.
You will undoubtedly learn and grow from that experience.
When you finally do muster up the energy and courage to come out of that cave, you can be damn sure you’re better for having gone through it.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Trym Nilsen on Unsplash