‘Going Slow’ is Not Doing Your Relationships Any Favors

Let’s pose two scenarios, but first, really stop for a second.

Think about how long six months is. This might not sound like a lot of time, but anything could happen. You can really get to know someone in half a year.

You spend six months ‘going slow’ with someone. But you never venture past ‘Netflix and Chill’ or a few casual dates. Yeah, I get that you might *want* something more, but by now you’ve probably listened to so much bullshit about taking it slow. At this point, you’re overly cautious and you stifle the relationship. Nothing has changed. And you know about as much of each other as two next-door neighbors might.
You’re seeing the same person for six months — the same amount of time as the other scenario. It might have felt risky or uncomfortable to show up more than you did before, but you discovered it was worth it. You’ve been on all sorts of dates, and you’ve *actually* gotten to know them. Now you’re planning a ‘future’ together.

Which scenario was a better use of your time?

Many feel pressured to spend months or years endlessly evaluating long-term potential. That or people are convinced that going slow is the only way to audit for red flags or compatibility.

Consider this for a moment. When you started a new job and met your coworkers, or a new ‘acquaintance,’ how long did it take you to know whether or not you’d care to let these people into your life?

But what if you’re just as clumsy at identifying red flags when you’re going slow?

Going slow doesn’t automatically ensure you’re making the right decisions. Rushing can be just as bad. I get that. I’m not advocating for completely throwing caution to the wind.

Yet, when you move too slow (citing caution):

Surface level interactions remain surface level: going slower won’t change that
You’re likely to fall into a false sense of security
An avoidant, manipulative, or unavailable partner will easily string you along

And according to Investopedia,

“The law of diminishing marginal returns is a theory in economics that predicts that after some optimal level of capacity is reached, adding an additional factor of production will actually result in smaller increases in output.”

For example, adding more employees won’t increase efficiency or output. In fact, it might decrease it.

I know comparing relationships to business doesn’t make sense.

But adding ‘more time’ to a relationship won’t give you more clarity. Yes, it takes time to build trust, often, a certain sample size is usually ‘good enough.’

Though to be fair, this certainly does vary.

But we can speed this along (the right way) Be intentional.

Say “No” and observe their reaction: it’ll pretty much tell you everything you need to know

Some people can’t take no for an answer. We all know one or two people like this. They’re never satisfied with what they have and they don’t take rejection easily.

Someone with this kind of mindset isn’t the kind of partner you need.

If you do end up with someone like this, you’ll tirelessly try to please them and you’ll end up in a ‘tag-along’ relationship. Meaning, they’ll relentlessly control every aspect of it. And it ain’t fun.

I did it once before, and I’m not interested in doing it again. This happened because one of my biggest sticking points is my trouble with saying “no.”

I once said “no” to a girl and her plan for a date, and she immediately said if I didn’t go out with her, she’d end the relationship. *Whispers* (Hint: that’s what narcissists do)

So the best measure of a person’s true character? Set a boundary. See how they react.

Do they try to guilt trip you or use other forms of manipulation?
Do they ghost you and pull away?
Does your partner respect your boundaries?

Plan occasional spontaneous dates

I used to date a girl a few years ago, but in two months, we only saw each other a handful of times. And it wasn’t for lack of trying. I tried to plan dates, but it was like pulling teeth.

Most dating coaches would say “If she wanted to see you, she would. You just have to make yourself more attractive.”

However, I noticed that her habits were more important than love or dating. Those habits? Work. Eat. sleep.

Spontaneous dates? That was out of the picture. I remember trying to do something spontaneous a couple of times, but I always got some kind of excuse.

What I learned was:

If someone can’t break out of their habits, they’re not invested in a relationship with ANYONE
‘Going slow’ is unlikely to change someone’s mind about where their priorities lie
Spontaneity isn’t just about fun; it measures how flexible one is with their time

Practice a “live-in relationship” once in a while

This might be a radical idea for some.

I’ll invite a woman over to spend the night, and extend that time into the following day. Or longer.

This includes but isn’t limited to:

Having a home-cooked meal together
Watching a movie, or TV show, or sharing our favorite YouTube videos
Playing games, deep discussions
Sex
Sharing a bed together
Going out for breakfast or coffee
Continuing the rest of the day together

I know this is basic shit, but the more things you do together, the more sample data you have. You don’t have to know all the ‘ins and outs’ of their personality. Why?

Behavior is an essential ingredient for compatibility. And from what I’ve seen, WILL predict how a relationship unfolds.

Obviously, we’ll discuss it beforehand, but it serves a purpose. Not just for fun, but it’s like a sample of how a relationship will feel.

This seems unconventional because, for some people, their religious beliefs or their values make it seem like a line is being crossed. And for avoidants or emotionally unavailable people, that closeness is ‘too much too soon.’

For a time, one girlfriend felt like my temporary ‘live-in housewife.’ We had a mutual setup. She’d stay with me from time to time. While I was at work, she enjoyed cleaning, doing laundry, and cooking for me.

It worked out for both of us. We enjoyed our time together, but ultimately, her other behavior outweighed the good things.

You will learn more than you think you would by sharing evenings, mornings, and everyday routines together. More than an hour-long date once in a while can ever hope to achieve.

You learn a lot when you share not just evenings, but mornings, errands, and everyday routines. Practicing this clues you in on things like how they manage their time or chores.

Run errands together and do mundane things as a couple

On page 195 of Dating Sucks, but You Don’t, the author, Connell Barrett has a small section titled, Seven Ways to Make Her Your Partner.

3. Do boyfriend/girlfriend stuff
After a few “regular” dates, have her, say, help you pick out new jeans, join you at the gym, or go grocery shopping (followed by you whipping her up a delicious dinner, of course).

Even before I ever read this book, I loved this one. Doing this helps break up the monotony of regular dates and ‘Netflix and Chill’ nights.

Running errands doesn’t sound fun, but it will clue me in on:

Her level of patience
How cooperative she is
And if she’s actually interested in doing the mundane parts of life with me

If they’re willing to stick around and do the boring stuff with you, chances are they’re in it for the long haul.

(For example, on an errand, this girl I was seeing started screaming in the car due to road rage at another driver. This, combined with a few other things was enough for me to let her go)

Avoid doing “Netflix and Chill” for every date

Sex is great, but if that’s the ‘main course’ of your relationship, it’s gonna get stale, and then what?

Realistically, passive activities like watching TV combined with intimacy don’t teach you a lot about the other person, especially if that’s all you do.

This doesn’t give you opportunities to actually see their capacity (or lack of) emotional depth. But I suppose if that’s all you want, have at it.

We just have to understand that doing this exclusively for six months straight probably won’t lead to anything beyond that.

And taking things slow won’t help you ‘learn’ more about them.

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By this point, we should understand that if we’re not creating opportunities to observe how the other person handles emotional depth, spontaneity, or conflict, we’re not using our time wisely.

Unless ‘having fun,’ is the only goal, then all this doesn’t matter as much.

As we can see, taking it slow has diminishing returns. At some point, the amount of information doesn’t help us make that much more of an informed decision.

Because, in most cases, ‘good enough’ is sufficient to make a decision. “Should I stay or should I go?” You will never achieve 100% clarity, it’s just not possible.

(If you need help expressing your wants and needs in a relationship, I’d suggest reading my 9-page pdf on this topic, which you can download here.)

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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