Grown up and Still Being Parentified? Do This.

Whether they expect you to take care of them emotionally, logistically, or financially, parents who need you to make your life about them are toxic at any age.

The thing about being parentified (see this post and also this one for more about parentification), is that you don’t get to be a kid and you don’t get to be an autonomous adult either. In other words, it’s all too common that this system just continues on, no matter what the ages of the people involved. In fact, adulthood can even make it worse. Which is, not to mince words, neglect in childhood and abuse at any age.

Parents who parentify believe they have the absolute right to have you as their emotional (and even financial) support, their confidant, their errand-runner, their house cleaner, etc. etc. In a way, they see you as an object they possess, and this often does not stop when you leave home, go to college, and have a family of your own. Somehow you are still supposed to be theirs.

Parentification tends to go along with a victim mentality on the part of the parentifier. Guilt trips are their habit and “poor me” is their cry. For those of us who have highly developed traits of empathy and kindness, this can be hard to resist. They probably also know your sore spots and triggers, such as being called cold or selfish. Ouch. (BTW, this tends to be projection on their part and not in the least bit true.)

Here’s the thing. While you can’t (sigh) get back the years of childhood that were stolen from you by a parent who made you overly responsible for their emotions and needs, you can stop it from continuing on in your adulthood. And so, what to do?

A) Treat them as the adults they are. In the coaching world, we talk a lot about holding people as creative, resourceful, and whole. Assume they are able and capable and don’t go on that guilt trip or buy in to their victim story. Practice saying things like “I’m sorry to hear that, I hope you find a solution.” “Oh, that sounds hard, but you’re smart and I am sure you will figure it out.” “Wow, that sounds like a good topic to bring to a/your therapist.” Then change the subject.

B) If applicable, resign your role as the savior, fixer, or helper of the family. No matter how old you are and how familiar this pattern is, it is never too late to “quit your job.” The family generally won’t like it and you will often get quite a bit of push back (and beware the flying monkeys and guilt trips when you do), but it is the path to freedom.

In both cases, you need to learn to sit with your own discomfort when you disrupt the system. A therapist once said to me that family systems are like mobiles. Even when dysfunctional, they are all in some kind of balance. But if one person changes their role, the whole thing goes haywire for a while until it finds a new equilibrium. This is also true, I think, within us. Our internal system discombobulates a bit until it settles. But trust me, both the family system and our own eventually do — we just need to sit with some discomfort and not tell ourselves we have to go back to dysfunction in order not to feel temporarily unstable.

I hope this goes without saying, but I want to note that I am not advising not helping people, especially family, if they honestly need it, and it is not a pattern of parentification and entitlement. We all depend on each other in this world. But I have come to look for relationships where I am seen, respected, and where I can both give and receive love and care.

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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.

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This post was previously published on BUTNOWIKNOWYOURNAME.WORDPRESS.COM and is republished on Medium.

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