As springtime gets underway, another wedding season is right on its heels. It feels like not that long ago since I attended my first-ever wedding. It was the first one I’d ever been to where I wasn’t just some two-year-old toddler who fell asleep under the table. But now I’m at that age where my friends are pairing off. Weddings are slowly becoming regular weekend activities as the pandemic restrictions are lifted, and Facebook is once again becoming a continuous update on who’s next to take the plunge into holy matrimony. So, in preparation for the rapid landslide of my friends that will drop off the map and become domesticated husbands-in-training over the next while — as well as the brigade of wedding invites and blissful happiness that is bound to be thrown in my face — I’ve created my own personal guide to surviving the wedding season.
Being a guest is a party, being in the wedding is a job
A wedding has two different tiers — the people that are there working (everybody in the wedding) and the people that get to drink, eat and judge their hard work (the guests). Before you get all excited about being named the best man, or even a groomsman for that matter, you might want to think about what it will entail exactly. Getting invited to a wedding is just circling an epic party night on your calendar a year in advance, but being in the wedding is basically being given a part-time job on a 1-year contract.
Particularly if named the best man, you’re going to have your work cut out for you. Not only will have you have all your duties on the actual day, which will primarily consist of staying sober for half the night, keeping the groom in check, and delivering a perfectly combined sentimental and hilarious speech. But leading up to the day, you will have to plan, organize, get people together, as well as save a huge load of cash to throw a bachelor party that will be forever ingrained into your buddy’s memory as his last big hurrah.
That’s a lot of pressure over a long period of time, isn’t it? All so you can be broke, stressed, and salivating for anything with alcohol in it on the big day.
One-night stand friendships
If you were brought to the wedding as someone’s date, or your date is in the bridal party, then it’s likely you won’t know many people (perhaps nobody) at the wedding. This is where you’re going to want to befriend someone early on in the night so you aren’t sitting by yourself drinking champagne and playing on your phone. Even if you think the other person is a square, they will act as the perfect buffer for you to then meet other people, at least just until you’re uninhibited enough to start introducing yourself to people on your own.
Also, if your girlfriend, or the girl that brought you, is a bridesmaid or the maid of honour, then you won’t see her until well after the ceremony. For the whole first part of the wedding, she’ll be on bride duty. She’ll be wiping the bride’s tears, fixing her dress, adjusting her breasts, and even helping her use the bathroom if she has to, not to mention, the whole entourage of pictures she’ll have to take with the bride after the ceremony. Tensions will be high and she will be busy, so make sure you stay far away from that “bridal den” and go find a friend for the night. You’ll catch up with her after the ceremony, and you would have passed a pretty impressive test if you’ve made friends and are already a hit with other wedding goers.
Don’t worry — it’s a wedding and this new friend you made is probably in the same boat: they are more worried about being alone all night than whether or not you are actually cool. You can part ways at the end of the night, without having to worry about exchanging information.
Get drunk, but be a tortoise about it
There are no prizes for being the drunkest person at a wedding, just a whole lot of shame to be witnessed by two people’s extended families. Nevertheless, depending on your comfort level, I would recommend that you bring a small flask to help you survive the ceremony, as well as help you meet someone of your preferred gender and orientation early on when you say, “Hey, I have alcohol in my crotch, wanna go drink it in the bushes?”
You can ride that tiny buzz right into the cocktail party where you’ll be presented all the free drinks your mighty liver could ask for. That will keep going right through to dinner: as your wine glass is bottomless, followed by the real party when the dancing begins and ties become headbands and all the heels are stashed in the corner.
Weddings are notorious for open bar disasters: remember that an open bar is an alcohol slip ’n’ slide that separates the men from the boys. So get drunk if that’s your style, go crazy, but be the tortoise. Go slowly, because the hare will do nothing but leave you with your hair dabbed into your dessert as you ward off the spins with a bottle of Merlot smeared across your white dress shirt.
(Side Note: Most of this advice won’t apply if you’re attending a sober wedding. If, however, you’re dead-set on bringing your own booze to an event where none is invited, you had better be discreet about it. There’s no quicker way to earn yourself a spot on the never-invited-again list than to be the only one slurring and swerving and whiskey-sweating during the first dances.)
Cocktail Face
The wedding game-face is “the cocktail face.” It requires that you act happy and cheery, like a stock photo, with a casual smile on your face at all times. No matter how much dread it feeds you, you’re going to have to play the part today. You will have to small talk your way through that entire room and talk about things you don’t want to talk about, to people that you don’t care about. Put it this way: today you’re the salesman for happiness.
“I’m single but not suicidal”
If you’re single, be prepared to ward off the depression rumours. “Yes I’m single, but I promise you, I’m not depressed.” Some people seem to expect that weddings will inflate the single status of anyone not partnered up prior to the event to the point that getting drunk, stealing a limo, and driving off a bridge aren’t off the table of expectations. So, make sure you tell people who ask (especially older generations) that your single status is by choice, and you stand by it as a proud declaration of your independence or career focus. Word to the wise: stay off all dating apps, such as Tinder, while you’re at the event — there is nothing more gut-wrenchingly pathetic than swiping away under the table during a newlywed couple’s first dance.
Couples under the microscope
If you go to a wedding with your partner, be prepared: you’re going to be walking around under the microscope. It’ll be a game of twenty questions: “So how long have you been dating?” “So when are you going to propose? (Nudge, nudge)” If you and your partner aren’t the typical heteronormative couple, get ready to field some whoppers from any variety of attendees with burning questions only you can answer.
Weddings are like a bullfight for couples, a stadium affair that is higher stakes than the Bachelorette finale: a place where only the strong survive. Any cracks in your relationship are at risk of becoming a conversation topic for someone’s nosy relation. So, put on your happy couple face and lollipop the sh*t out of that wedding, flaunting your happiness for all the old couple’s slow-beating hearts to melt away to.
(Side Note: if the wedding is for someone in your partner’s family, then you have to be prepared to work your way through their entire family tree and meet people like their 92-year-old Bubie who just took a plane for the first time in 50 years from her native Genovia, with grace, confidence, and charisma. Always remember two things: tortoise, and cocktail face.)
Play to your audience: dance with the old and the young
Remember how Owen Wilson caught Rachel McAdams’ eye in Wedding Crashers? He danced with a child. That’s right. Dancing along with the children at the reception is not seen as predatory; in fact, it’s seen as cute and endearing. Of course, there are limits to this: don’t solicit the same 16-year old niece continually for dances, or else you’ll quickly coast out of goodwill and onto someone’s watch list. But if you’re single and trying to make a splash with the opposite sex, then you need to either dance with children or old people. Going to opposite ends of the age spectrum is one of the quickest ways to make an impact on the female guests.
The two-step strategy: befriend the tiny flower girl/ring bearers and dance with the bride’s grandmother. You’ll render yourself practically irresistible.
Weddings are not matchmakers
Obviously, you’re not in a Hugh Grant movie, and this is not some sort of quirky British comedy where you’ll fall in love with a cute stranger from out of town at the reception. A wedding does not guarantee potential dates on a silver platter. Even if you’re the best man, it does not mean it’s predetermined that you will get to sleep with, or even touch, the maid of honour like it’s some sort of hierarchical matchmaking system. In fact, so many of the attendees at the wedding will be there with their significant others, or worse, their fiancées/spouses. It’s best not to come into the situation looking for something serious.
But on the upside, it’s usually very easy to tell which guests are single. That’s because their friends and family will be throwing them into the single person crossfire, pleading with you (possibly any other singleton there, too) to date their son or daughter or their friend because they have absolutely “everything” in their life “except a good man.” Be judicious about approaching anyone who’s actively hiding from being pointed out, but it does give you a starting point for a friendly conversation.
The bride will be the star of the show
Today is the day she’s been dreaming of, ever since she was a little girl and she and her little friend down the block would throw fake weddings in her backyard. Even if she’s not a bride who dreamed of this day her whole life, she has been planning this event for at least several months, if not even longer, and has likely been locked in a persistent state of half-panic ever since she got her hair done. So, be wary of appropriately unpredictable behaviour. If it sounds like a contradiction in terms, just remember that the average cost of a wedding in the US is approximately $31,000, honeymoon not included, which is roughly the equivalent of an entire year’s work in the service industry (before taxes). One minute, she’ll be high as a kite on life, another she’ll be crying and blowing snot profusely over some line her father spoke, and another moment later, she’ll be going straight for someone’s jugular for sticking their finger in the icing before they’ve even cut the cake. And you know what? Let her.
My advice is to say your congratulations early on and get out of her way. On her wedding day, she is like a whole celebrity, everybody is trying to take her picture, talk to her, and tell her how damn gorgeous she looks. She’ll be so elated and high, as well as over-stimulated/annoyed, that she probably won’t even remember that you were there.
I understand how another engagement update on social media makes most of us want to ‘unfriend’ even our closest of friends. It’s that age where weddings become prominent fixtures in our life and on our calendars. So we have no choice but to figure out how to survive them, and hopefully, now, we can do so with a few less forced smiles and a few more genuine ones.
Previously published on jamienrea.com; this post has been updated and republished to Medium.
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