In an article last week, I introduced four hacks for men in a #metoo era. I had the idea to introduce some really big ideas in some smaller, digestible chunks. Here is the second in this series.
Hack #5: Understand shame
Do some investigation into what shame is, how prevalent it truly is, and what it can cause you to do. I say that shame is a real shit starter and a show stopper. I may have adapted that from something Brené Brown says, and that’s because she’s about the best person to go to understand shame and it’s partner: vulnerability. If you haven’t watched her TED events (2), please do today. Shame rules until it doesn’t. Be aware and proactive to combat shame.
Hack #6: Ask “Why?” and then listen with your heart
I can’t tell you how many times a woman comes to me and my couples coaching practice and say, “I want this but he won’t even listen to me long enough to learn what this is about!” There is a stigma larger than I care to unpack here in this space about going to therapy or coaching or just improvement in general. Maybe it’s because it touches a nerve that something presumably must be inadequate if she wants to invest time and energy into improving your relationship.
If your woman comes to you and wants your participation on something, ask her to explain why (instead of pulling away). Then, listen with your heart. Is she really saying that you are inadequate? Probably not. She probably wants a greater connection. And if you listen to your heart, you might find that at the core, you agree that greater connection is what you want too!
Hack #7: Move your body
I’ve written about this on GMP before, but you must move your body. Daily. Beyond what we know about exercise just being generally good for us, a practice that involves engaging muscles will also allow greater proprioception – how aware we are of our own bodies. This makes you a better lover (physical awareness of whole-body), a more present father (physically engaged), and a more spirited human.
Do this right now. Take your right hand and smack your left arm up one side of your arm and down the other. Then hold both arms out in front of you. Notice the difference in sensation? The whole body is welcoming an aliveness and awareness of sensation. Engage the body.
Hack #8: “The story I’m telling myself.”
This one comes in two steps. First, introduce this idea to your partner so that you can both use it. Then, use it!
It goes like this. When you notice yourself coming to some sort of conclusion in your mind, that in all actuality may or may not be true, instead of retreating or saying something assumptive, say, “When I see this, the story I’m telling myself is…”
So it could sound like this, “When I hear you ask me three times to clean the basement, the story that I’m telling myself is that you think you need to manage me because you think I won’t do it myself. Is that true?”
We could all reduce the frequency and severity of arguments and misunderstandings with just this simple “hack!” Try it! Let me know how it goes!
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What’s Next? Talk with others. Take action.
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