Not to brag, but I’ve been a father for a pretty good while now. And as a dad, I take my responsibilities seriously. Most days you can find me in my dad chair, wearing my dad sweater, thinking about when I will get to put on my dad sandals again. Once I’ve answered that question, I think about the other major things that fathers think about, which almost always involves another planning session about sandals and black socks.
But this time of year, my mind turns to horror movies. In the weirdest way possible, they are special to me. My teenage daughter and I have bonded over them. She loves to watch those jump scares, see the spooky sets, and try to act brave in front of her father who is also trying to act brave. For me, it is the best time to be a dad because as the kids grow older, they need me less and less. They see me as a hindrance to getting together with their friends or they can’t appreciate the sandal combo coming in Spring 2021. But during those horror movies, I get my little girl, who is no longer little, curled up against my side with her fingernails digging ditches in my forearm. This is about as good as it gets.
I recently allowed my daughter to watch The Exorcist. I know, the hate mail is coming. But let it come, I don’t care. For the first time in years, my daughter asked me to tuck her in and sing her a song. Suck it; totally worth it.
Now, it’s not all fun and games during those movies. It can’t be because dad brain never turns off. It never shuts up. The lights never go dark. During those quiet moments between the screams, I constantly teach my daughter what to do if she ever finds herself cornered in a cemetery by brain eating zombies. And with that, I think it’s high-time I passed on that fatherly wisdom to other sons and daughters that may need to hear it.
Rule #1: Chop Him Up.
“Honey,” I said to my daughter. “What do you do when the bad guy just fell 40 stories and is laying on the ground?”
“Chop him up!” she said proudly!
That’s my girl. They always come back to life. It happens so often that you can count on it. And I don’t mean chopping them up into gross chunks. I mean get Jason Voorhees stuffed into a blender, hit the grate function, and walk away for good 30 minutes. Maybe get yourself a nice manicure for a little bit.
Will he come back? Of course, but not until the sequel so you’re good.
Rule #2: Quality Lawn Care Is Important
When the undead rise, they always come up in spooky graveyards and it bothers the dad part of me every time. That’s just poor lawn maintenance. They are able to break through a very weak root structure.
So, rule number two is really about finding a good Nitrogen-based fertilizer and for the love of all that is holy, winterize your yard. The lawn you deserve begins with the work you put do in the winter. It’s that simple. So, get some nitrogen and keep the undead safely tucked away in their coffins.
Rule #3: Proper House Repair.
Every dad knows that many houses that cause trouble are really wanting attention. After all, good or bad, attention is attention. People and houses need to be seen.
When a house says “Get Out!” don’t tuck and run. Take a look around and see if you can spot what is really wrong. If it’s that bad, you’ve probably got a termite problem or at the very least, Carpenter ants. Get an exterminator out there.
Also check the siding, window seals, and foundation. A proper foundation is the building block for a good and lasting friendship. Groaning pipes that spew blood? That’s a rust issue, get on it because you don’t want it to get worse and eat you.
Rule #4: Practice Good Hygiene.
Want to be liked in school and keep demons from possessing you? Then you are going to need to take care of yourself a little bit. Shower, wash your hair, and brush your teeth daily.
You see, demons love to be stinky. Forget holy water, get some Dove Care in there and they won’t touch you. Keep your room clean and go for a little bit of exercise.
And then when you can, take a moment and just exist as you are. You are great because dad thinks you are great. Now come in for a hug.
Rule #5: No Band Members. Ever.
This should go without saying, but all band members that my daughter wants to eventually date are vampires. So that’s a hard no. You deserve better than that, honey. Now go throw some garlic in Chet’s stupid van.
Rule #6: Care Bears Kill the Dream Stalkers.
This is totally true and comes from years of practice. When a bad guy is trying to stalk you through your dreams, call in your great friends the Care Bears. No one can stand up to the love and kindness of Lionheart and his crew. As you dream, take them with you and you’ll always have a refreshing sleep as they use the power of love to conquer all fears. But watch out, they also chop them bad guys and put them into blenders so you might not want to watch that. Love is eternal and no one knows that better than Care Bears.
Rule #7: Your Friends are Bait.
Everyone knows that only one person can make it through a horror movie. I’m just saying, why can’t that be you? It’s ok to put yourself first sometimes. Have a little self-confidence. You deserve nice things and good relationships. It’s not a bad thing to believe in yourself, because I do.
You got this. You deserve this. Believe in yourself.
And as your friends are headed to the abandoned knife factory to hide, stop and take a minute. Think about what would make you happy because you deserve all the happiness in the world. The sooner you ditch those toxic relationships, the faster you’ll be back to my couch, my black sock sandals, and our Halloween horror movies.
—