Handling Disagreements Like a Champ

As a person that is laser-focused on keeping the peace, disagreements can be anxiety-inducing. I try to avoid them at all costs.

But as I’ve come to learn, that’s not the way to keep the peace. It may work in the short term, but the bubbling resentment that builds knowing I chose to keep my opinion to myself isn’t worth it.

It becomes almost impossible to let it go.

Why didn’t I speak up? Why was I afraid to challenge the common opinion?

Who knows, but the fear has kept me silent more than I would like to admit.

Now I know better. But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy.

Disagreements Versus Arguments

Disagreements don’t need to result in arguments. There’s a big difference. Though different views are usually the common theme, arguments are heated and can be filled with anger.

A disagreement, on the other hand, is a conversation, not a competition. In this case, you’re seeking a resolution or common ground and understanding.

Competitions have winners, conversations get consensus.

• A discussion is a respectful exchange of information. A discussion involves trying to understand, inform, and reach mutual accommodation.
• An argument involves trying to refute the other side and undermine the confidence of “opponents.”
• Troublesome arguments, especially between loved ones, are thinly disguised power struggles.

Stopping An Argument Before It Starts

All arguments are between conditioned minds. No one ever wins. If you want peace give up being right.

— Deepak Chopra

According to Deepak Chopra, it’s possible to keep disagreements from becoming shouting matches. If it’s unsettling to just be silent or walk away, his first recommendation if at all possible, here are his other tips.

Begin by listening. Instead of starting a conversation with your own position, consider the other person’s point of view first. He contends, “If you’re not aware of what is going on in their mind, in their life, in their relationships, in their personal experience of everyday reality, where is the solution?”

So take the time to just listen until you really understand who they are and what’s important to them. Following this step also makes it much less likely that your disagreement will descend into an argument.

Learn the other person’s values. Chopra says one of the most effective ways to get to a constructive conversation is to ask the other person what is most meaningful to them. It’s why he sometimes encourages world leaders in conflict to talk to one another about their parents or their childhoods.

Your goal should be to find the other person’s core beliefs and share yours, which may be deeper than questions of religion or politics. “They fit the description ‘Speak your truth,’” Chopra says.

Pause before you respond. Once you’ve listened to what the other person has to say, you may feel strongly tempted to jump in with your own beliefs and views. Instead, pause for a moment. A quick reaction will probably be your ego talking, Chopra says. What he calls “the ego response” is likely to be one of four things: “Nice and manipulative, nasty and manipulative, stubborn and manipulative, and playing the victim and manipulative,” he says.

Instead, use your pause to move past that first ego response, and try to answer the other person with “insight, intuition, inspiration, creativity, vision, higher purpose, or authenticity integrity,” he says.

Resist black and white thinking. “You’re either with me or you’re against me.” Chopra cites statements like these — often heard from world leaders — as examples of the kind of black-and-white thinking that can escalate any conflict.

The truth is most issues, especially if they’re at all complex, can’t be defined by a simple with-me-or-against-me or good-versus-evil viewpoint. Things are almost always more nuanced than that. It’s within these nuances that you may find ideas and principles on which you can both agree.

All in all, having conversations with people you disagree with is healthy and provides insight into their core identity.

Avoiding charged issues with a close friend or partner, on the other hand, can lead to a lack of understanding of deeper issues, arguably not really “knowing” them at all.

If you want to keep the lines of dialogue open without opening the door to an argument, keep these things in mind:

Time and place– Not every conversation can be had in every setting. While it may be fun to exchange opposing views with friends at home, you may not want to poke the bear at a formal dinner.

Consider that you could be opening a can of worms that may be too personal for your setting. Before diving in, take stock of where you are, the company you’re with, and whether the dialogue could take an uncomfortable turn.

Find common ground– An easy way to enter into conversations where there is disagreement in views is to start with where you agree.

Listen for what makes sense instead of where you can propose a challenge. A good conversation doesn’t need to have winners and losers, just the willingness to gain a true understanding of the other side.

Resist provocation and watch your tone– Being provocative, getting worked up, or seeking a “gotcha” moment aren’t good strategies for discussion.

Whenever you can, try to neutralize the emotional load of the conversation by keeping your cool and being aware of the tone of your voice.

Using the word “but” is a verbal nullifier of what came before it so that can take the conversation in an unnecessarily negative direction. Consider using, “and at the same time”

When you hear yourself preparing to offer a “yes, but”, you’re putting an emotional spin on the dialogue instead of remaining open.

Don’t Fear Arguments

After all, it’s where learning and growth happen and if you avoid them you won’t gain any new insights into other points of view.

Though it might seem like the right or the mature thing to do, avoiding arguments or heated debate can lead you to cut ties and close off from relationships you may value.

You don’t always need to agree or change someone’s mind in order to have a great exchange. Open your mind, ask questions and really seek to get a deeper understanding of their perspective.

Reframe “Winning”

If you can reframe what it means to “win” an argument, it will help keep your conversation on track toward the goal.

Ask yourself:

Is the point to be assertive and convincing to your point of view? Understand that this could be a difficult scenario and could create a further divide. Identify why it is so important to get this buy-in.

Remember, differences in opinion are useful and keep healthy discourse alive, but it can be very difficult to change minds and may not resolve conflict.

If success means getting someone to your side, be willing to wave the white flag. It may not happen.

Is the point to find a middle ground for the people involved? This is a good way to neutralize and create new terms for the topic so you can remain objective.

If you’re seeking to preserve a relationship and be willing to disagree to do so, this is a desirable outcome.

Is the goal to try to be convinced of the other point of view? You may want to truly learn and understand another perspective so you can open up your worldview on the topic.

Circumstances in life can change and lead to a desire to change to a new point of view due to personal experiences. This is healthy and can serve to remind us that perspective is everything.

Disagreements in conversations are opportunities to accomplish a number of outcomes.

They don’t necessarily need to end with a conclusion. It may be enough to simply plant a seed.

The goal is to learn and be heard.

Remember, success isn’t remaining silent to avoid conflict but rather having a healthy exchange and coming away with the valuable insight you didn’t have before.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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