Have Men Lost Their Purpose?

There is a passage in the Jewish prayer book that reads, “We have not come into being to hate or to destroy, but to praise, to labor and to love.”

I’ll take interpretive license to see praise as a form of gratitude, and deal with that below.

But labor and love are simpler and clearer. Or are they?

Because if our purpose is in fact to labor and to love, then American men have lost their purpose. What remains is a dire mix of despair, loneliness, aimlessness, and disaffection.

One in 9 men considered to be in their prime working years have dropped out of the labor market. In the 1950s, it was one in 50.

And more than 60% of men in their 20s are single. Overall, 30% of U.S. adults are not in a committed relationship.

According to Pew, only half of single men are actively seeking relationships, and that number is decreasing.

There are many reasons for these relationship trends, and not all of them negative. With greater educational and professional opportunities, fewer women are dependent on a relationship for housing or financial security.

With that independence comes higher standards for what women want or expect out of a partner. As it should be: men need to learn and adapt to be better partners, especially when what they bring to the table isn’t money or health insurance.

And that’s especially challenging when men don’t even have that money and accompanying benefits to begin with because they’re unemployed. Rather than being a provider, which has its own antiquated, rigid gender role associations, unemployed men are instead a burden.

That leads to men removing themselves from the dating market as much as the job market. (Both of which, it’s worth considering, are filled with fake listings.)

This is more than an issue of relationships and couple-hood. This goes beyond being sex- or touch- deprived, though it is all those things, too.

It reaches into an existential crisis of manhood.

If a man is not working, or loving, then what is he doing? What is his purpose? What is his role in the world?

Without love and labor, what is a man good for, and what is he even doing here?

I’ve Been There

February 2001. I showed up one Monday morning to my job as an associate producer at a news-based dot-com. Within two hours I was laid off.

They collected my devices, escorted me to the exit, and that chapter of my career was over. I walked home, picking up a sandwich along the way, and had lunch at home in front of the TV.

Over the next few months, I did…not much. I sent out resumes and job applications. I exercised a lot. I made my way through “The Brothers Karamazov” by Dostoevsky and The Border Trilogy by Cormac McCarthy. (When in doubt, go for the long Russian novel.)

As I wasn’t making money, I limited my social life. There were many days and nights at home, just waiting for my luck to turn.

What I recall from that period was waking up in the morning, going through my routine of coffee, reading, working out and applying for jobs, then basically staring at the walls when I was tired of watching TV.

I was contributing nothing to my community or society. I wasn’t expressing or feeling love in any way; my contact with other people was limited to my roommate and the occasional visit with a friend who’d come over for pizza.

The hardest part of that experience — more than the stress of needing a job and a paycheck, more than worrying about rent and health insurance, more than the relative social isolation — was the struggle of self-identify and the measuring of self-worth.

The blow to my self-esteem got more severe as the job search dragged on.

It wasn’t the act of being laid off that struck my self-confidence. I had company in that regard. I was part of a lay-off that cut 20% of the company’s work force. Six months earlier, everyone on my team from my previous job was laid off, too.

Getting let go from a dot-com felt like a rite of passage.

No, what hurt was feeling useless. Giving so little to the world, receiving back even less. I felt unseen, unwanted, unneeded, unappreciated — and worse, all with no prospects.

And I was lucky. I had the security blanket of financial support from my family if need be. But that didn’t soften the psychological toll.

Day after day, I led a purposeless existence. It was extraordinarily difficult to stay positive, and I knew, with that low level of self-esteem and no job, it was pointless to date.

It was if I lost my value as a man.

I remember that feeling all too well, and I deeply sympathize with those going through it.

The Meaning We Get — and Take — From Work

I spoke recently to a young man just out of college. He was struggling to find work and was seeking advice on not just formulating his career, but in simply — or, as it turns out, not so simply — finding a job.

I don’t envy him.

The advice I conveyed felt trite and superficial. While it was sincere, it didn’t feel productive or meaningful, despite his protestations.

The truth is, it’s tough out there. Tech jobs are down 55% from a year ago, and banking industry jobs are down more than 40%.

And he’s young, without much, if any, professional experience. If I were to face a similar situation today, without some of the carefree attitude youth afforded me, I’m not sure I would handle it as well. (I didn’t handle it all that well even at the time.)

While I might be able to take it in stride and perhaps shrug my shoulders and say, ‘this too shall pass,’ I’d be left with an even greater feeling of lack of purpose, and again question my value and worth as a man.

Contributing to that feeling is being single. I’m ambivalent about being in a relationship now, feeling skittish after a break-up, unsure what I really want. I’m not unique: half of single men are not dating or pursuing a relationship.

It’s fine to pretend that I don’t define myself by my job, but honestly, that’s a lot easier to do when in a relationship, when you spend significant time with another person and make your life bigger by being involved in someone else’s.

By being single, even though I am loath to admit it, I at times define myself by what I give my biggest time and emotional commitment too — my job.

Without that job? I shudder just thinking about it.

Loneliness All Around Us

The sense of isolation I felt in my New York City apartment, unemployed and reading Russian literature, wasn’t too dissimilar from what I felt during the year of pandemic lockdown. Both were emotionally scarring.

It’s another testament to how men — how all of us — need other people in our lives.

Lack of community is a problem for us all, but it’s worse for men. The share of men who say they have at least six close friends is down to 27%, a figure that has been cut in half over the last 30 years.

It’s even worse for younger men, who are the most likely group to experience loneliness. And when they do, it’s more intense.

Worse, in somewhat of a feedback loop of despair, these young men rarely have anyone to turn to. More than a quarter of men under the age of 30 report having no close social connections.

Loneliness is associated with higher risks of depression, anxiety and suicide. It even has long-term impacts: loneliness is associated with a 50% increase in dementia.

The U.S. Surgeon General is warning about the devastating impacts of loneliness on the American population, calling it an epidemic.

Study after study shows how loneliness and a lack of purpose is literally killing men.

The kind of disaffection that emanates from continued isolation and unemployment, both of which contribute to wiping out a man’s self-esteem, is a big reason why suicide is so prevalent among men, more so than women.

Without companionship, friendship and love, without labor, which provides a sense of value, contributing to something larger than oneself, and a sense of pride of belonging and supporting oneself, there can, as a result, be very little to be grateful for.

And that is indeed a sad existence.

The Way Out: Other People

The irony of the loneliness epidemic is that the solution lies within the problem itself.

The one thing men (all of us, really) should not do is suffer in silence, alone. We are social creatures. Community, friendship, a sense of purpose — just like food and water, these aren’t nice things to have, but are critical to our existence.

What I would tell my past self who stayed at home reading books and watching TV was to look outside himself and do something on behalf of other people.

If you want to better yourself, if you want to fulfill our purpose of labor and love, then do something for others. Science has proven it can help ease loneliness, which then has the added benefit of removing all of loneliness’s associated harms.

The kind of connection we develop through volunteering or service to others may or may not yield a job, but it can help greatly in providing the sense of purpose that even paying jobs sometimes don’t offer.

The reason for that is because in selecting to volunteer or to serve a cause or community, one is also not just filling your time with work. You are expressing love.

Love is More Than Having a Partner

This is something a lot of men, young men in particular, may not realize. One doesn’t have to be in a relationship to express love.

Love is all around us. Everywhere you look, there is a need for love.

You can love your neighbor and community — and dedicate oneself to being a part of it and helping it grow and improve. You can serve on a school board, or just deliver food to someone close by.

Volunteering, community service and activism allows you to pour love into whatever you’re passionate about.

A house of worship. Your local climate advocacy group. Food banks. Pet adoption.

Even litter clean-up. Look, sometimes there’s no better feeling than manual labor. As someone who sits in front of a computer all day, yeah, every now and then I wouldn’t mind being outside and picking up trash. Besides, one of the best ways to improve mental health is to spend time outdoors.

All of those things are important because they are multi-purpose. They provide a form of labor, however you define it, and mix it with a passion-driven purpose. Participating in them is fortifying for one’s sense of being. They provide a sense of having value and being appreciated.

Those are impossible to recreate on one’s own, which is why being out of work and out of a committed relationship is such a treacherous state of being for men.

Because men will find an outlet for their emotional needs in either a positive way — or a negative one.

We see what happens when disaffected men gather, either online or in-person. The urge for belonging, for feeling valued and needed, for having a purpose, doesn’t dissipate. It is bound to land somewhere, for good or ill.

And if it doesn’t? We get the significant toll on men’s mental and physical health.

Social Connection: Like Exercise for Your Mental Health

The connection between exercise and physical health is well-known and understood. We know by now how important physical fitness is to staying in good condition.

For men and their mental health, social connection can be the equivalent of exercise but for mental health.

Acts of service are one of the most efficient ways of fulfilling that need — and providing men the sense of purpose we crave.

Many times I’ve volunteered at a soup kitchen. I’d put on those annoying plastic gloves that make your hands sweat. And, depending on the situation, I would sort through donated food — cans, boxes or frozen meat (gross) — and distinguish what was usable or not. In a few instances, I literally took out the trash.

But in some places, I’d stand in the counter line, fill plates on trays with food to someone in need. After the food service, I’d help clear the trays, wash them, clean the tables and go home.

Even though I work at a nonprofit organization, there are days when I don’t full as fulfilled as I did during those times at the soup kitchen. And that’s because of the people.

I work remotely, in front of a computer. I am wholly committed to the cause and organization, but something feels different when you can look another person in the eye and know you’ve helped them.

Plus, that kind of volunteering — serving food, cleaning up, on my feet for hours — kept me physically active.

Afterwards, relaxing on the couch, I had a sense of accomplishment, fatigue, worth and value, knowing I had done good. That feeling lasted for days, and became addictive.

I’ve also volunteered with Big Brothers Big Sisters. I was matched with my ‘little’ for roughly four years; the pandemic, sadly, mostly brought the connection to an end.

And while I have some misgivings and questions over how much I really helped the young man, I know he appreciated it. I also know that I grew to really care for him. When I delivered some water and cleaning supplies to his apartment during the Texas freeze, it felt as if I was assisting a member of my own family.

Throughout that time, I was in and out of a romantic relationship. In the times I was single, having him in my life — even though he was younger and I was supposed to be the one helping him — helped me feel connected. It made me feel needed and wanted, because I was.

Love comes in all forms, and not just in the sexual preference kind of way. Partnered or not, men can find numerous ways to express feelings of love, if they just get involved and make a commitment.

Everyone needs connection. Everyone needs a purpose. And everyone needs a little help, every now and then. You can’t argue the need isn’t there.

So What About Praise?

The passage in the prayer book mentioned above mention love, labor and praise. I don’t think that ‘praise’ here equates to compliments, as good as they are to give.

I think instead it means praise to a higher being for all that is around us, or, in other words, thanks and gratitude.

When I served the needy a hot meal in a soup kitchen, I was grateful for the chance to be of service — and more appreciative of all that I have.

When I met with my ‘little,’ it made me appreciate my own family, and the support they’ve given me over the years.

And when I participate in social action groups, I am grateful for the skills I have — and the multitude of opportunities, academic and professional, I’ve had in my life in order to acquire and apply those skills.

What Is a Man For?

Perhaps ‘to praise, to labor and to love’ is a simplistic rendering of a man’s true purpose. But it goes a long way in covering what we need in our daily lives to feel fulfilled and valued.

My last thought: none of this ever stops. It’s a life-long journey. And none of it is ever dependent on any one thing. Married and in love? Great. You still need to be around other people you care about.

Have the job of your dreams? Super. You still need to fill your other time with meaningful activity.

And you always, always need to be thankful for what you’ve got.

Pretty much all of us know or imagine how it can be worse. That’s life. Take stock, appreciate what you can do, give and receive love, and do what you can to stay busy in service of something larger than yourself.

Loneliness isn’t a feeling. It’s a state of being. And there is always a way out.