I don’t know about you, but I get turned on by good communication.
I just started dating someone who values communication as much as I do. We text each other long novella texts throughout the day. I love it. So does he. But tone can get lost in text, often! Last week we had a miscommunication moment that caused a tension between us. When this happened, he texted me that he wanted to wait five minutes before we texted each other back again. My whole being lit up when he suggested this Sacred Pause.
What is the Sacred Pause?
As Carl Jung so wisely philosophized, human beings are connected through the collective unconscious. I often hear about tools and techniques through co-workers or in my daily Google news and Medium perusals. Somewhere along the line, I picked up the wise and catchy term, Sacred Pause, for when a break in communication would be beneficial to deflect tension and allow for a little process time. It’s a “think before speaking” type of technique that mindfulness teacher Jack Kornfield coined — or perhaps gathered from the collective unconscious somewhere along his own spiritual journey.
Other than being a catchy saying, the Sacred Pause is a communication and coping tool that would benefit our personal relationships in a simple yet profound way.
How do you take a Sacred Pause?
Jack Kornfield says, in a blog post entitled, “The Sacred Pause” is an excerpt from his book, The Wise Heart:
“Try this during your next argument or conflict: Take a pause. Hold everyone’s struggle in compassion. Reflect on your highest intention. Whenever things get difficult, pause before you speak and sense your wisest motivation. From there, it will all flow better.”
I have found it helpful to set a timeframe for the pause. My partner suggested 5 minutes. It worked well for us. We were able to come back to the conversation from a more heart-centered and compassionate perspective.
It can be done for a few breaths (I like five deep breaths) or even a few days.
The amount of time you pause can be an intuitive leaning. I have found it to be a powerful intimacy builder in relationships if both parties agree on the timeframe. There is a sense of comraderie and mutual respect when it’s done together rather than autonomously.
The evening my partner and I tried the Sacred Pause, we had a date planned. When we first saw each other in person, there was a beautiful open-hearted energy between us. He said he felt turned on by the intimacy and compassion that existed in the space we created to take responsibility for our own words and actions. I did too. Magically, a simple five-minute pause brought us closer together rather than worlds apart.
How often do you do it?
I am going to use the Sacred Pause as often as I need to. After this successful experiment, its words have been branded into my soul as a relationship intimacy builder and a way to really honor personal boundaries.
What if the other person isn’t open to it?
Of course it’s always good to entertain the worst case scenario. I do. And I will now and forevermore, because that is how my worry-wart brain works. If there can’t be a we agree then I will still make it a me move. I don’t have to always commiunicate my whys for not responding for five minutes — or even several hours — but I now know that giving myself that time to dive inward, reflect, and re-center on my intentions will benefit both myself and the other person. Responding in an impulsive, triggered way ultimately need to more discord and separation. I don’t know about you, but I really get off on intimacy building conversation. I want more peace and harmony in all of my relationships. I know that begins with me.
Remember your why!
Why are you doing the Sacred Pause? Honing back in on the original intention for the space is key to success in relationships with others and with yourself. Deep down, I think we all want harmony and connection in our relationships. While we can’t control how another person will respond to our pause, we can control how we act, perceive, and receive.
While the Sacred Pause might not always bring about the results we seek — it brings about the results that we need to grow into a more compassionate and that fosters deeper, more meaningful connection with ourselves. When we internally operate from a place of speaking words that don’t harm others, we give ourselves the compassion we have been seeking.
Jack Kornfield draws his Sacred Pause wisdom and inspiration from the Buddha, stating:
As the Buddha describes it: “Speak with kindly motivation. Speak what is true and helpful, speak in due season and to the benefit of all.” When we pause and connect with our highest intention, we learn to see with eyes of compassion and everything becomes more workable.
If you seek a world full of peace and compassion, I urge you to try the Sacred Pause. Each time you do, you send compassionate ripples into the collective. Who knows, maybe it will even seep into the bones of those for whom conflict and discord are second nature.
You must be the change you want to see in the world
– Mahatma Gandhi
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash