Life is full of suffering.
Kind of a pessimist way to start an article, isn’t it?
But hey. Deep down, we know this.
You’ll never have a problem-free life. And you will be threatened by the potential suffering life has to offer you.
Death has its way of making us all panic on some level. Even if it’s not our own death. It’s the death of those we love and care about.
In fact, let’s first talk about this. Let’s talk about the nature of life itself.
Life has two basic, built-in characteristics.
They are quite simple and primitive:
- Things will get worse on their own. So, things, whatever they are, need maintenance. Leave a plant without watering it and it will die. Leave a room without cleaning it and it will become filthy dirty. And so on.
- Things will get worse faster as a result of our own neglect and stupidity and mistakes. Make enough stupid mistakes and you’ll accelerate the speed at which things get worse. Drown the plant instead of just watering it and it will die. Leave pizza boxes under the bed, break the lights, and let the AC leak its water on the floor. Good luck living there.
This is life.
Things will get worse on their own even if you’re doing your best. And they will get worse faster if you’re not doing your best or purposely doing your worst.
That’s not a bad thing. As humans, we will get mad if we don’t find something to do. Give people a problem-free life and they will create their own problems.
We’re designed for that. And so is life.
Photo by Cookie the Pom on Unsplash
And it doesn’t mean that things can’t get better. On the contrary, they will get better to the degree we get better. Again, that’s good as we need something we believe is meaningful/worth it to occupy us.
We need to believe, based on our own values, that watering that plant and having it healthy is meaningful and worth the effort. And we need to believe that having a clean room is a worthy pursuit that’s meaningful and useful.
All good?
Okay, I bet you’re asking yourself now . . .
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What Does all This Have to Do with Attraction?
It’s for this ridiculously simple reason.
Someone who has their shit together is someone who can withstand that.
They’re someone who can face life with all its suffering and tendency to fall apart. And not collapse in front of that weight. And to even make it better and fix it.
It’s someone who understands that life gets worse on its own. So, they do the necessary to keep things going.
And they understand that their own stupid mistakes and insufficiencies will make things worse. So, they do less of that and act wisely.
They take the responsibility for their life knowing those two facts about the nature of life. And they do their best to keep things functioning because they believe it’s worth it.
More importantly, they don’t do that to impress people. They do it because they care about their own lives, the lives of their loved ones, and life in general as a concept. They bear the responsibility for life itself.
I dare to say that women want this in a man more than anything else.
Men find this trait attractive as well. Some differences exist. And if we dig deeper, it’s all about the attraction hierarchy and what each gender finds attractive in general.
We can discuss that in a different article.
Having your life together is an indication of so many admirable qualities. And that’s why it’s attractive.
But in essence, it’s attractive because it indicates that you can withstand this thing that’s called life that we all seem to struggle with!
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It’s about Looks, Money, and Lifestyle
That may sound superficial. Especially after the deep philosophical introduction above.
But hear me out.
It’s about those three things to a great extent. But, on a deeper level, they’re about your mindset and how you act in the world. And if you act properly in the world and towards yourself, you will have the three seemingly superficial things mentioned above.
Let’s break this down. It’s simple yet deep.
Looks, money, and lifestyle without a strong mindset that can withstand life amount to nothing. Zero attraction or admiration.
A strong mindset that can withstand life means the ability to rise up to life and bear responsibility for your existence.
Therefore, a strong mindset will naturally and eventually lead to a great lifestyle that leads to looks (health, style, …etc) and money (adding value by becoming valuable as an individual as a result of working on yourself and skills).
See, we humans have limited time. And we don’t know all the information about someone we don’t know. So, we rely on indicators.
Looks, money, and lifestyle are great indicators.
Photo by Zoe Holling on Unsplash
But, as we’ve just discussed, the ultimate indicator is the mindset behind those indicators. The strong spirit. The sense of responsibility. The self-respect. The devotion to good. The pursuit of betterment. And the wisdom and strength of character that follows.
And let’s talk about the latter.
People who have their lives together are usually wise, calm, and intelligent on so many levels.
They’re the ones you go to once you face a problem.
Why?
Because you trust the way they think and handle life. You trust their wisdom and also resilience. You can rely on them.
When the shit hits the fan, they don’t lose their cool. They still can act well. They still can think well.
They’re the type of person people depend on.
I once heard from Dr. Jordan Peterson that you know you have your life together when you’re at the funeral of your father/mother and you’re the person whom people lean on his/her shoulder instead of being the person who is moaning and whining and panicking in the corner.
A bit harsh and extreme. But if you think about it for a while, you’ll find at least some truth in it.
Can you see how deep it goes, deeper than money, looks, and lifestyle? I’m not against those things. On the contrary, I’m an advocate for them. But having your life together goes way beyond them, yet still manifests itself in them.
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Having Your Shit Together is Simple
Don’t overcomplicate it.
Start with your mindset and resilience and spirit and expand.
Do the things you know you should do.
And stop doing the things you know you should not do.
Here’s one more piece of advice that can help you.
Name 3 people you admire and list the reasons why you admire them. It’s better to write this down.
I’m assuming those people have admirable qualities such as the ones we discussed here. Not just blind admiration of someone empty.
As you write the qualities you admire in these people, think about yourself.
There’s a big chance you deep down want to have similar qualities. We don’t admire people randomly.
Look at their character, qualities, and lifestyle. And ponder on what makes them admirable.
That’s your guide. Those are qualities you admire in people who have their lives together.
Start doing what will make you get closer to them. And stay away from what will drive you away.
And it’s not about copying them. It’s just that they are closer to the ideal that you’re after. And recognizing that will help you get on track.
You will get your life in order and move to the next level. That is not only an attractive quality when it comes to dating but a generally admirable quality that will help in all areas of your life.
Do not neglect your life quality, mindset, and character.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Joe Gardner on Unsplash