2 years back, we decided to get married and told our families about our decision. During that time, he wasn’t doing any full-time job. So, we decided to wait till he gets a stable job and complete his studies. We postponed the wedding until the time things get back on track. He moved to another country for his studies. Everything was fine until the day he told me he wants to leave me so that he can focus on his career.
We were best friends, we were partners, and we meant the world to each other. My world was collapsing in front of my eyes, and my heart was sinking. I was scared of losing him, and there was this word, “Leave,” that I kept hearing in my head.
The shock lasted for a couple of days, then came the fighting phase wherein I decided that I should get all the answers, and finally, there it was the begging phase. I begged him to stay with me because our relationship was precious to me. I spent a decade with him. I was not ready to leave him because, for me, he was my life. I also tried to convince myself that this is a few day thing, and he will come back. That never happened, and he never came back. He kept asking me to leave and even said that if I stay, he won’t be able to get a job ever.
I kept thinking day and night why he took such a drastic step, why it was easy for him to leave me, why he left me after promising that he will stay by my side for life. I asked him these questions and kept asking him these questions for a couple of months. The only reply I got was you are not right for me and my career. These words broke me into pieces. I always did my part in the relationship and tried to be the best partner.
I was there with him since childhood. He cried, I wiped his tears; he was sad, I cheered him up; he was down in life, I motivated him. He decided to quit his 9 to 5 job to do something of his own, and I was there to support him. He wanted to take some time off to decide what he wants to do in his life, and I was there to support him. He spent 5 years thinking about what he wants to do, and I silently just stood by him. In the end, he made me the reason for not doing anything for those 5 years. I wanted to ask, why was I punished in the end?
From emotional support to financial support, whatever he asked, I provided it. It seemed easy for him to break my heart, break my trust and leave me alone. I was planning our life, I was thinking of moving to the next stage of our life, and he just decided to walk away. I couldn’t do anything to stop him. I felt helpless, empty, cheated, and used.
It’s been one year since this happened. Even today, I feel my questions are unanswered. I still don’t know why he decided to leave me suddenly, why he decided to blame me for his messed up life, when he is the one who messed it up in the first place. What mistake did I commit to deserve all this?
This incident impacted my mental health, and I couldn’t come out of the shock no matter what I tried. I told myself every day that today it will be better, and the pain will go away. But this pain just stuck to me. Eventually, I decided to take help from a professional so that I can come out of this shock and start my life again.
My therapy session revealed a lot about our relationship that I never noticed before. I understood that I was the one who was giving 200% in our relationship, whereas he was not even giving 1%. I was in a comfortable zone with him. I discarded a lot of facts about our relationship. For me, we were happy and ready to spend our life together. The idea of being in love and getting married to long time boyfriend blinded me. I didn’t see that he left this relationship couple of years back, and I was the one who kept on dragging. I always thought that there was a balance of give and take in our relationship, but that was not true. He kept asking me to keep him as a priority, and I kept doing it for many years without asking anything in return.
Today I feel I have no control over his decision. Answers from him are not going to make this easier for me. To be calm and stay sane, I have to let go of him and whatever he did. If I keep on looking for the answers, I will always be in this dark place. Now is the time when I need to explore myself without him. I should stop giving importance to him and what he did. It’s time for me to make my life about myself.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Razvan Chisu and Danny G. on Unsplash