He Listened.

‘So… how are you?’

My school-appointed mentor came out of nowhere, suddenly just stood in the middle of the classroom where I’d been practicing.

We hadn’t talked in months. Though I had been grasping for help anywhere I could get it, somehow I hadn’t thought to ask for a conversation with him.

But now he was here, and his feet were planted squarely, securely, as if to say: ‘I have all the time in the world.’

I began telling him. Slowly, hesitatingly, then faster as I realised the whole story was already pouring out of me anyway. I told him about the past few months. About how scared I had been. How ashamed. How panicked. How I had barely functioned at school and at work and had managed to hide it until I couldn’t anymore. I told him how things were getting better — slowly, steadily, with regular setbacks and new disappointments. Sometimes the sob in the back of my throat threatened to choke me and I had to wrench the words out.

He just stood there and listened, unmoving, patient, reacting only with tiny nods and soft, understanding sounds.

I blinked back tears and told him how it’s better this way, but how much everything still hurts. How lonely I sometimes still feel, even amidst all of my friends and family.

Some nights, if the crying doesn’t stop, I get on my knees in front of my bed and pray, even though I’ve never believed in God. The words aren’t for me, but I suppose something else is. The humiliation, maybe.

As my mouth kept pushing the words forward without any conscious decision on my part, I marveled at this person in front of me. This kind, silent man, just listening. Not talking, comforting, judging, or offering advice. Not making any motion that indicated he had other stuff to do.

After about fifteen minutes, I realised he would keep listening as long as I kept speaking. So I stopped. I felt around for a foothold in the silence. Then I remembered I needed to say one more thing:

‘Thank you for coming to check in with me. That’s so kind of you.’

And he said, in the gentlest way possible: ‘I actually just came in to see if the pianos weren’t standing too close to the radiator.’

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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