He Used Up All His Romantic Gestures Before We Ever Met

I was always a hopeless romantic. I did a great job of romanticizing my life, but I dreamed of having a partner who would give me romance, too. If that was my hope, I chose poorly.

I was never the recipient of romantic gestures. I carefully cultivated the idea that I was a low-maintenance woman — because that’s what I thought I had to do to be chosen. I didn’t need anything. I could take care of myself.

Low-effort partners loved this. They didn’t have to be all that good to me to keep me around. They weren’t troubled by the need to be romantic, and they dismissed anything and everything associated with romance — including my love of it.

But after my divorce and re-entry into dating, I truly thought things would be different. I wanted romance — and I deserved it. I didn’t have to settle for less.

I chose a partner who seemed quite capable of romance.

I felt like Nora Ephron herself had written this love story for me. I walked around with hearts in my eyes and an Ephron-style soundtrack running through my head. But it took me a while to see that someone capable of romance doesn’t always intend to pull out all the stops for romantic gestures.

Unfortunately, my relationship came a few years too late. He’d used up all his romantic gestures on unappreciative partners, and he didn’t have any left to give. I listened to story after story of epic romance and rejection, and I had the sinking sensation that he’d spent up all his effort long before we’d met. I knew that I deserved romance, but I’d chosen someone who, once again, didn’t have any left for me.

If I’m honest, it was a painful realization, and I tried to deny it. I told myself that what we had was enough and that I didn’t need those gestures to feel loved. But then I realized that I wasn’t getting any gestures at all. No words of love and reassurance. No romantic efforts. I was right back in another relationship where I had to be low-maintenance if I wanted him to stay.

I shouldn’t have been held responsible for a failed romantic past.

All the gestures I had to hear about were ones I would have appreciated. It wasn’t fair to be held responsible for every woman who came before me. Their rejections weren’t my own, and yet, he’d adopted a new, more cynical way of being in relationships as a result of it. As he told story after story proving that he was capable of romance, I felt more hurt that he didn’t see me as equally deserving of it.

Was I not giving off main character energy? I couldn’t figure out how anyone could use up all the romance in their lives and not have any left for anyone else. I’d been through my terrible history of failed partnerships, and I still had love and effort to give. Why couldn’t my partner see that I deserved that, too?

But I stopped asking why. I had to let it go. Long after the relationship was over, I finally understood that his refusal to extend romantic gestures my way didn’t say a thing about me or if I deserved those experiences in my life. It said a lot about his lack of healing and readiness for a relationship.

We all deserve the relationships we want.

I never expected Michelin-star restaurants or a jet-setting lifestyle. I just wanted the occasional effort toward romance. I wanted to be someone who still deserved a grand gesture even if other partners had disappointed. I shouldn’t have to provide all the romance in my life if I’m one part of a couple.

These days, I romanticize my single life. I have no interest at all in dating at present and even less interest in dating low-effort partners who are looking for low-maintenance women with zero expectations. I’m not willing to settle, and so, I don’t.

People who get so cynical that they run out of effort, affection, and romance should probably get a therapist rather than a dating profile. But that’s just my two cents, which won’t get you far these days. None of us should be held to a standard we didn’t set, made because of former partners who proved disappointing. If we all did that, none of us would ever find happiness again.

We have to hope. To keep trying. To give each new person we partner the benefit of the doubt. Or better yet, the benefit of a fresh experience and not one built on top of our wounds.

Make the romantic gestures. Be the better partner. Not everyone will appreciate it, but the right ones always will.

Love this? Consider buying me a coffee.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.