Anyone in the “helping others” field can attest, self-care and boundaries have to become your number one priority to be able to offer anyone else your truest work.
Why? Because boundaries help us keep ourselves sacred, and keep us healthy when we would give to the last drop if we were left to our own devices. I’m here to tell you it’s not sane. Nor is it healthy. Most of us have heard the quote about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first, before you put it on others. But if you know you struggle with boundaries in this area, then having guidelines ahead of time helps YOU.
At some point we must stop looking at self-care as selfish.
We must begin to see it for what it truly is: self preservation.
In the crisis management work I did throughout college, which somehow always found a way into post-college, I learned the valuable lessons of self-care and boundaries by default. I tend to be a source of counsel for some of the most successful people I know and it’s a role I value highly. However, I have to be very clear for myself on my own “what’s and why’s” when I step into helping. And make sure I’m not side-stepping something in my own life by using helping as an avoidance tool. Yes, helping can become an addiction.
Boundaries help us keep ourselves sacred, and keep us healthy when we would give to the last drop if we were left to our own devices. I’m here to tell you it’s not sane. Nor is it healthy.
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On a blab several weeks ago, fellow entrepreneur and helper, Juliet Easton and I discussed the topic of “Helping Others Without Hurting Yourself” and I’d like to share some of the concepts we covered. If you’re interested in the topic, that blab is available on replay here.
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These are the lessons that I had to learn along my path:
If I feel sorry or pity for someone, it’s my kryptonite.
The minute I fall into the place past compassion into sympathy I’m willing to go past my own comfort level. This has shown up for me in several ways. At one point years ago, I took texts and calls from a struggling female student I was life coaching, past 10pm at night. Yes, she’d give me this lovely and sweet cards for all my help, but after weeks of this I realized it was too much. And the cards were just odd, another boundary issue, like a child would give a teacher. Not what a 33 year-old woman would give a professional life coach.
If I think I’m coming in to “help” in a friendship or a relationship without an agreement: look out.
There’s too much room for interpretation, expectation, and mixed signals. It’s better to have an agreement. Even if it’s with a friend, “Sure I’ll help you with that for 30 minutes.” Or “We can trade that training for this.”
Understand that when you’re drained you help no one.
Substitute drained for tired, hungry, overworked, or stressed. You have lost the ability to help when you’ve lost your own energy. The other person probably doesn’t know you’re exhausted, they leave that up to you to tell them. So tell them.
Know what replenishes you when you do get drained.
Sunshine. Quiet time. Family time or time with pets or loved ones. Reading. Journaling. Napping. Video games. Whatever fills you back up. This is a top priority.
Learn how to interpret and listen for your own signals of being drained or exhausted.
If you don’t learn to listen, your body will start to yell, loudly. You can get sick, or have accidents. Your body will talk to you through your energy and your feelings. It’s pretty simple: energized or happy/excited means you aren’t drained. Tired, exhausted, or grumpy means you probably are drained. I work with the folks at the Clarity Center and they put it this way: Lights On or Lights Off.
Choose your guidelines for helping others.
I require that others ask for my help. I don’t just jump in and tell them I’ll take care of things unless they ask. My guidelines are that someone wants help, they’re open to listening or coaching, and don’t want me to “do it for them” unless it’s that type of agreement. I’d much rather empower someone else to find solutions or answers than tell them what to do. (That’s not great coaching. and doesn’t help them in the long run). I have found myself with a “superhero complex” where I like to jump in and help. I don’t do that anymore. Lesson learned.
Learn how to set your boundaries and when to set your boundaries.
If you need to turn your phone off, then do it. If you need to tell others you’re not available they’ll get used to it. If that hurts their feelings, or they aren’t used to you being available 24/7, then you must be ready to handle that as well. When I began to set boundaries with the woman in the first example, it didn’t go well. She assumed she’d done “something wrong” and began to retaliate against me. My lesson: I learned to set boundaries much faster.
This is a list of guidelines to get you started, or to start you thinking. Please create your own list or share your ideas in the comments!
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This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: iStock