Here’s How To Make the Fights With Your Partner Less Mentally Exhausting

Couples call it quits because they don’t know how to fight fair.

That happened to me a lot during my early 20s. I sabotaged many of my past relationships. Fights are mentally exhausting especially when it’s about the same problem over and over again.

If neither you nor your partner catches the pattern earlier, it’s only about time until the relationship collapses. However, as tough and draining as they are, some fights can actually bring couples closer to each other.

“What comes easy won’t last long, and what lasts long won’t come easy.” — ​ Francis Kong​

(But please note if it’s abusive and has been happening many times, you shouldn’t stay in the relationship).

There has to be a limit to what’s tolerable and what’s not.

Here are the things you can do to make the arguments/disagreements period in your relationship less mentally exhausting so then you don’t lose each other:

A massive break and the ‘reset’ button

Most people see taking a break from their partner as something that’s very inappropriate.

They think they should be together all the time. They’re also afraid if they do it, the connection will somehow fade away.

While in reality, everyone needs a break once in a while. If you’re surrounded by people 24/7, there won’t be any room for you to actually process your own thoughts and feelings.

And when a fight happens, you’ll find it hard to have a clear mind and make the right decision.

Taking a break (even if it’s just one day) is highly necessary if you want your relationship healthy. Especially during a big fight, you’ll need some time to get away from your partner and calm your thoughts down.

Therefore, you can come back to them with a more understanding, loving, and supportive approach.

About the bigger picture and future plans

I had one big fight with my partner last week. It was so intense that I began to lose sight of what truly mattered and whether we’d make it through or not.

It doesn’t matter how long have you been with your partner, when fights happen, it’s still going to hurt. There’s no other way around it.

Unlike casual dating, you can’t just run away and call it quits. Falling in love is easy but trying to make a long-term relationship with one who stays healthy for years to come is a lot harder.

That’s why one of the best ways to lessen the pain from the fights you and your partner have is to remind yourself of the big pictures and all of those future plans.

Do you still want to grow old with them, despite all of this?

In the grand scheme of life, does this fight truly necessary? And most importantly, ask yourself if this fight you’re having right now has the chance to ruin everything you’ve built together with your partner?

Because most relationship problems aren’t as significant as you think. It’s your mind that makes it somehow a bigger deal.

Sometimes it’s your own ego speaking

Every time I look back to those days when my partner and I had a big fight, I noticed that there’s at least a 50% misunderstanding factor that made it worse.

You might not realize it when the fight is happening because you both get so caught up to prove to your partner that you’re right. It’s your ego taking over.

Of course, no one wants to be wrong.

We like to think that our partner should be the one who understands us and sometimes we even expect them to exceed our expectations with no explanation needed from our end.

But that’s not how it works.

If you don’t hit the pause button during this time and calm yourself down, then you’ll forget why you’re with your partner, and eventually, it’ll about your ego only.

I’ve seen many good relationships fail because they don’t want to “lose” and focus too much on themselves and their opinions. They refuse to put themselves in their partner’s shoes and come to an understanding.

One thing that tremendously changed my relationship for the better is that moment when my partner and I decided to work on our skills in how to fight fair.

It’s indeed a skill that takes practice and a lot of time to develop. But without it, couples are going to repeat the same fight over and over again.

That’s why you’ll see people complain about the same thing in a fight but never actually knew what’s wrong.

They know they’re tired of fighting but never actually questioned what’s the root of it all. When a fight happens, one of them either shut down or refuses to have a healthy productive discussion.

Don’t let it be you.

Fights do happen a lot in a relationship but you don’t have to make it more painful. The things I mentioned above are the ones that have always worked for me and my partner so far.

It may not work the same way for you but hey, you’ve got nothing to lose by giving it a try.

Good luck. You got this.

“All relationships go through hell, real relationships get through it.” — unknown

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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