Here’s How Your Poor Boundaries Ruin Your Love Life

Once in college, I dated someone who I had zero interest with.

I said “yes” because he’s my friend’s close best friend, and I just didn’t want to disappoint her. And boy, that was one of my worst mistakes of all time.

Clearly, I wasn’t happy. I mean — c’mon, it’s not like I didn’t know it’s coming.

So I broke things off 3 months after, just in time when he’s madly in love with me. Of course, I was the cruelest person on earth in his eyes at that time but looking back, I did both of us a favor.

Trying to make something work with someone who doesn’t interest you is a waste of time. You won’t win anything, and in fact, you miss those other chances that you might meet someone who’s right for you.

But sometimes shit happens — we do something that doesn’t align with what our heart wants. And most times, that’s because we have very poor boundaries.

You have poor boundaries in a relationship if you are:

Always let others make the decision for you

The most common sign of someone with poor boundaries is that they don’t know how to decide things for themselves.

That’s also why I always feel sorry whenever someone tells me they can’t date someone like this or like that because their parents have “high standards.” It’s upsetting how lack control they have over their own love lives.

People like this don’t understand that what their parents (or everyone else around them) think is best for them isn’t always right.

No one knows what’s best for us except ourselves. That’s for sure.

You do things based on people’s expectations

I was one of these people who always tried too hard to fulfill people’s expectations. Especially in dating, there are lots of “requirements” that I needed to tick so everyone would be happy.

But it was tiring. Moreover, I didn’t want to date someone within my country. Not that they’re all bad, I just figured I wanted something different.

And if you’re like me, who came from a very conservative Asian background, then most likely people (including your big family) will expect you to marry someone with the same religion and, if possible, the same race.

Good for you if you want all that, but if you don’t? There’s nothing wrong with saying no and bidding goodbye to those unrealistic expectations.

Your life is too short to date someone your parents/friends are cool with.

You feel guilty when you feel like you need some space

Another sign you have poor boundaries in relationships is you can’t help but feel guilty every time you take a “break.”

Why? Because people keep telling you that being in a relationship means you need to always be there for your partner. While this is 100% true, you also need to be there for yourself.

Just because you date someone that doesn’t mean you should neglect yourself and never take some alone time.

But people with a lack of boundaries despise this idea because they think the more time they spend time with their partner, the better the relationship will be.

What happens is usually the other way around. Your relationship is suffering because there’s no space to breathe.

Couples with healthy boundaries know it’s crucial to take some time off just for themselves and do things that have nothing to do with their partner.

You have the need to be someone else in order to be liked/loved

Do you act like you need to change one or two things about yourself so you can “match up” with someone you’re currently dating?

If your honest answer is a yes, then you need to take a step back and rethink the whole relationship you have with this person.

You need to gain that awareness that being with someone doesn’t mean you have to be someone else.

In fact, that someone needs to accept you for who you are. And you need to stop thinking that whether you’re good enough for them or not.

That’s why too many insecurities in a relationship aren’t good because one or another will have the need to change themselves and eventually lose their identity.

So rather than thinking, “what can I change so he/she loves me more?” go with a deeper question, “why would I change myself so people could love me?”

That way, you’ll eventually get clarity on why being yourself is crucial in a relationship. Trust me, I’ve been there, and it’s such a soul-crushing experience.

“The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.” — Neale Donald Walsch

Setting your boundaries right is the first step to having a happy and fulfilling relationship. Think about how much freedom you can have if you work on your poor boundaries issue.

You no longer have to feel guilty every time you fail to fulfill people’s expectations of you.

You no longer want to listen to what other people think about your love life.

In your late 30s and still single? Who cares — it’s your choice.

For you, eventually, it’s much better to be in a relationship with someone who you wholeheartedly choose and believe in rather than settling down because that’s what people think best for you.

The same thing with getting out of unhealthy relationships. If you set your boundaries right, you then have no problem walking away.

In short, you’re in control of your own love life, and trust me, that’s the best thing you could do to your future self.

Hi! Anggun here. I write about all things that you might struggle with within your love life. My main goal is to make you feel less alone on your journey. If you resonate with my stories, stay in tune by becoming a Medium member here.

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Previously Published on medium

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