I always believed “the one” existed until I turned 27 and realized I’ve already had 5 “the ones” in my life.
If you’re reading this, your past might have been similar. Maybe your first partner was “your soulmate” until it ended, then you REALLY found them in your second partner…and now you’re single again, looking for — you guessed it — the one!
No matter if you’ve never had a “soulmate” or found multiple, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Accept that “the one” doesn’t exist — here’s why.
The Hard Truth You’re Not Ready For
Love expert Shaun Galanos always says:
“There’s only “the one” RIGHT NOW. There’s only your soulmate RIGHT NOW.”
And that’s true. According to Buddhism, life exists only in the present moment and so does romantic love. You might have found your soulmate right now but this person might not be it in 5 years. You simply can’t know because you’re no fortune teller.
People don’t want to hear this. We crave safety and we need to know that this love is forever. So we invented rituals like marriage that gives us a false sense of certainty. Promising eternal love in front of hundreds of other witnesses — that means this love must be forever, right?!
The hard truth is: nothing, absolutely nothing, in life is certain or forever. As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus praised:
The only constant in life is change.
You attract what you’re ready for. If you called someone “the one” in the past, this person was “the one” for you at that point in time, given your emotional maturity. If you think your current partner is your soulmate, they are right now given your present consciousness.
But people and needs change and a couple that was once compatible doesn’t necessarily develop in the same direction over time.
If You’ve Found the One, Accept It Might Not Be Forever
As Matthew Hussey says:
Humans are romantics, we want things to work out.
56% of Americans think soulmates are real. I’ve had dozens of people get mad at me because they wanted to prove to me so desperately “But you don’t understand, I just know they’re my soulmate!” (HINT: I previously was this angry person myself).
We cling to the fact this person once was our soulmate so they must be forever. We even use “but they’re the one” as excuses for all types of unacceptable behavior in our relationship.
How much pressure are you putting on yourself trying to hold on to something that is constantly changing?!
You can only free yourself if you stop living this myth. There’s not only one person out of 7.7. billion people that’s for you, there’s multiple. Just like having many great friends is possible, multiple romantic partners are compatible with you. The Universe just happened to bring you this one person at this certain point in time.
True Love vs. Real Love
Instead of calling it “the one” or your “soulmate” let’s call it true love. True love because it’s what is true for you in this very moment. So yes, this could be a toxic AF relationship if that’s your current (sub)conscious understanding of what love is.
Don’t search for true love — rather, look for real love.
Real love is everywhere, all around you. It might be the nice childhood friend who adores you but you’re not giving them a chance because they’re “too boring”. You’re still caught in the “soulmate” trap — the one who gives you crazy sparks but in reality, only triggers your old wounds.
If you keep your eyes and heart wide open, you’ll notice what you’ve been looking for is already there and always available to you. You just weren’t able to see it because of your false understanding of true love.
The One Still Exists
YOU are the one. You’re the only person in this world who can, day by day, commit to loving yourself and making yourself feel safe.
Here’s how to make peace with the fact that “the one” in another person doesn’t exist:
Give the security you’re hoping to receive through another person’s love to yourself. Yes, enjoy every moment with your partner because the present is the only time your relationship exists. Yet, accept that no matter what, no matter how bad things might end, you’ll be okay.
Recognize you’ve found true love in another person but accept it might not be true for you anymore at some point in the future. Be willing to stand to this truth. Commit to accepting that nothing in life is certain or forever. Know that life goes on because you still have yourself and will love yourself no matter what.
Esther Perel says:
“People who have found the one completely understand that you live with uncertainty.”
Final Thoughts
If you let go of the belief that “the one” exists, you’ll feel much lighter, freer, and less pressurized.
You can only choose the partner who’s right for you at this very momnt but isn’t necessarily right for you in a few years. And that’s okay.
Enjoy every second and hold space for the uncertainty that is happening from moment to moment. Remember: the only person who can, with 100% certainty, choose to love you forever is yourself. Choose yourself and start today.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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