Hero Inside

At the 95th Annual Academy Awards, Lady Gaga performed her unplugged version of Best Song Nominee Take My Hand that she co-wrote with her friend Bloodpop. In her introduction, Gaga sublimely said, “You might find that you can be your own hero even if you feel broken inside.” She teared up. Me too.

Gaga was powerful, vulnerable, and authentic. In the song’s crescendo, she sang, “But don’t you let go off my hand… I heard from the heaven…” She cried. So did I. Gaga received a standing ovation at the Kodak Theatre. I applauded from my sofa at home, too.

Being your own hero even if you feel broken inside profoundly resonated. In the past, Lady Gaga was a victim of rape and sexual abuse. Now, she’s a prominent advocate for stopping sexual abuse. Gaga found her voice within. She found her hero within. Her voice and her music inspire us to take a stand against sexual abusers, who think they can do whatever they want to those that they deem as lesser than themselves. Nothing, but mad love and respect to Lady Gaga. She makes a difference in the world. Lady Gaga is my Hero.

I endured my abusive childhood growing up at home where Dad scared me to my soul. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so very angry at me. I got hit some. Mostly, Dad yelled at me over, and over, and over again. I wasn’t the son that Dad wanted. I was a great disappointment. Dad thought that I was weak and stupid. I wasn’t good enough. Consequently, I’m not good enough became my life’s sentence. I spent much of my adult life proving that I was strong enough; that I was smart enough; that I was in fact, enough. Yet, being more of anything would never be enough. That’s the human design. I desperately needed to prove that I was worthy of being loved.

I was so very sad as a little boy growing up. However, sadness occurred as weakness to Dad. So, I got angry, instead of being sad. I couldn’t get angry at Dad, because that would end badly. I got mad at Mom. She took all my shit, because she loved me unconditionally. Mom always had my back. I was too young and stupid to get that.

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When Dad scared me to my soul, Mom said, “Slow down, Jonny.” When I was 8 years old, I yelled back, “I know!” Mom was reminding to calm my soul, that things have a way of working out. My greatest regret in life was getting mad at Mom and giving her such a bad time.

In my forties, I apologized to Mom for my thoughtless unkindness. I was the frightened little boy, who didn’t know what else to do. Mom forgave me. She always had my back. Although Mom passed away in 2019, she still stands by my side. She’s in my heart.

Over 30 years ago, I started Aikido training with the late Mizukami Sensei and Ishibashi Sensei. Mizukami Sensei was a father to both Ishibashi Sensei and me. Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” Sensei generated the space to be me and invent the greater-than versions of myself. I was free to succeed or fail, and grow from both. For the first time in my life, I could just be me.

My Heroes, the late Mizukami Sensei and my late Mom, met years ago at dinner at Sensei’s home. Walking to my car, Mom grabbed Sensei’s arm and said, “Thank you for looking out for Jon.” Sensei smiled and said, “He looks out for me.” I teared up. In my job interview with 5 Program Managers, I heard Sensei’s voice, “Wait it out. Take a glancing blow if you have to. It’s one time.” I did so. I got the job. When I fear inside that I’m no good, I hear Mom’s voice, “I’m proud of you.” Mom and Sensei’s voices from heaven remind me that I can be my own hero inside.

I loved someone. I said, “I love you.” Although she loved me, she wasn’t in love with me. I was not good enough. After Sunday Aikido practice, Ishibashi Sensei put his hand to heart and said, “It’s what’s here.” Whatever I need is already inside me. I can be my own hero inside even if I’m not good enough, even when I feel broken inside. I have nothing to do with goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I can be my own hero inside.

The late NBA Hall of Famer Kobe Bryant said, “Failure excites me.” My failures, what’s broken inside me, define what I need to work on. Failure defines what’s possible. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. I love and forgive mine own self. I can be my own hero inside. Amen.