A guy asks Eli and Josie how to tell his female friend that the guy she’s into is using her.
Dear Sexes: How do we tell a friend that the guy she’s “feeling” is a total loser, and he’s using her? They dated for a while, but then he got back with his ex, starting a cycle of breakup, hookup, back with girlfriend. He admits to nothing, but he’s incredibly overprotective of her and is the first one to show up when she has a problem, but she can’t see he’s just using her for sex (he denies), and won’t fully commit. We can’t tell if the problem is more him or her, and I’m at my wit’s end with what to do.
She Said: Tell you friend your feelings about the guy one time, when she’s not feeling shitty about herself and when things are calm. Simply state how you feel, be kind, and ask her how she’s feeling.
To be a good friend, we do sometimes need to challenge those closest to us to do better for themselves. If a situation is bad for them, it’s good to say, “I support you, but I’m worried about x, y, and z factors here.” But if you harp on it, you’re showing her that you think she’s not able to take care of herself.
I think Eli gives excellent advice below, but I will add this: We often think that women need 100% commitment to be happy, and that guys will do everything they can not to give it. But it could be that this situation works for her. Maybe she doesn’t want a boyfriend 100% of the time, or 100% of the way. Maybe she wants to know there’s someone there for her, and someone to have sex with, without the pressures of 100% commitment.
And it could be that she says she wants 100% from him, but in truth she’s putting up some boundaries or barriers to this in her own way. Even as your good friend, you can’t know what she’s doing inside that relationship. You simply have to state your feelings once, with a lot of support, and then let her do her thing without judging her.
He Said: Who’s “we”? You and what army? And do ALL of this girl’s friends think this dude is bad news? Jealousy is not a factor at all, right?
It sounds like both your girl friend and this dude are guilty of questionable decision making. If he’s really just using your friend for sex, preying on her when she’s vulnerable, and doesn’t want to commit to anything more, then he does sound a bit shady. But if your friend isn’t demanding more from him, that’s her prerogative. Maybe she’ll regret her choices in the future. Maybe she won’t. But that’s for her to sort out. As a friend, you can try and get her to see what you see – that this dude’s no good for her. But your friend might resent you, if she’s not ready to hear what you have to say.
There’s also the possibility that you’re wrong. There may be much more to their friendship/relationship than you know. How can you be sure it’s just about the sex? If he’s there for her when she’s down, he might be providing emotional support—just like a good friend is supposed to do.
If I were you, I would take a step back, and be patient. Trust your friend to be able to figure things out for herself (in due time). Eventually, if this dude really is no good, his true colors will shine through. And your friend will wise up, and make better/different choices. All in good time. All in good time.
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I’ve seen boyfriends using my friends for sex in the past, but in most cases my friend was using their boyfriend for sex as well so I’m not entirely sure that there was an issue. One of my friends recently was dating a guy who wasn’t giving her what she wanted from him and asked me what I thought, but I tend to think that the best option as a friend is to just try and help them realise what it is they actually want rather than taking any sort of stand. Plus, if, in general, the person makes your… Read more »
I was very much in love with her to the point that I lost myself, compromised my beliefs, deserted my family and friends especially those who did not approve of my choice of woman. I lavished her with gifts and attention until I could give no more and they’d all leave me accusing me of being ‘selfish’ and ‘controlling’. I was heartbroken when she left me barely managed from one day to another. I found your [[email protected]] website. Almost 6 months from the day I called, I met Lucy. This relationship is different from all my other relationships. I am… Read more »
The asker here is almost definitely a jealous niceguyTM. It’s their business, people are allowed to have relationships that don’t conform to the monogamous Disney princess hegemony. And he’s obviously not just using her if he’s the first one to be there for her when she’s in need. The only real problem with the breakup/hookup cycle is that people like the asker judge people in it so closely. Leave them alone, and stop presuming you know what’s best for her. Move on.
Agreed. Why is the observer’s judgment to be accepted as the ‘truth’ of the situation? What matters is how those directly involved are feeling and handling it.
If I were a feminist I’d say to stop seeing men as vending machines where sex is inserted to get commitment. And if she ends their relationship because it isn’t meeting her needs then she obviously only wanted to use him for her own ends.
But I’m not a feminist, so I’ll say that if the relationship truely isn’t meeting her needs then I hope she realizes that and does what she feels needs before it puts too much hardship on her.