“Too much certainty in the relationship breeds lethargy and boredom in the bedroom.”
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Last week, a provocative study was released claiming women cheat so they can experience passion, while staying married to their husbands. Why bother going to all the trouble? With the same amount of energy it takes to pull off a secret life, you can (re-) create passion within your marriage and no one gets hurt in the process.
Couples who struggle with a lack of passion are often doing one major thing that covertly undermines their sexual connection. Without realizing the impact it has on their desire for one another, they nurture their basic human need for certainty. They create a relationship that offers stability, safety and predictability— essential for a strong emotional connection.
They cling to their similarities and avoid activities they perceive will threaten their state of togetherness. This often includes disagreeing or arguing. This is the counter-intuitive mistake.
Too much certainty in the relationship breeds lethargy and boredom in the bedroom.
Humans have an equal and opposing need for uncertainty, mystery and adventure. Couples must learn to tolerate the discomfort that comes with separateness and even conflict. The margin of polarity between opposing points of view creates friction— the key to keeping passion alive.
Over time, avoiding fights damages both the emotional and the sexual connection. Stuffed feelings don’t go away. Rather, they breed resentment, which quietly erodes the foundation of any relationship.
To keep the excitement alive, partners must move back into their original state of separateness— the way they were when they were two individuals first coming together. Couples must actively seek to highlight their differences because this uncertainty is part of what makes our initial attraction to one another so hot.
What happens when two separate and distinct individuals have different wants, needs and perspectives? Conflict.
If couples are not airing their grievances, they aren’t getting to the good stuff.
A gritty, occasional fight allows both partners to express their strong opinions and demonstrates they are passionate about defending their point of view. It’s that individual passion that each partner needs to bring to the table for the couple to taste it in the bedroom.
If either partner is so conflict averse that the mere thought of confrontation brings anxiety and dread, overcoming that hurdle IS the work and effort required to keep the relationship alive.
Just like anything else that is important to you, for passion and connection with your mate to flourish, it requires effort every day. We exercise, pay our bills and maintain our vehicles. Yet, we often neglect our relationships and then wonder why they’ve withered on the vine.
Knowing the prescription for your ailing marriage takes the guesswork out of what needs to be done, which is often the hardest part for couples. If this all sounds familiar, then working towards having more fights is exactly what the doctor (or therapist) ordered.
While it is impossible to affair-proof our marriages, working to maintain a passionate connection with our spouses is actually the path of least resistance when you consider the drama and pain inflicted on each partner when an affair is revealed.
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Photo: Timothy Marsee/Flickr
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Couples who struggle with a lack of passion are often doing one major thing that covertly undermines their sexual connection. Without realizing the impact it has on their desire for one another, they nurture their basic human need for certainty. They create a relationship that offers stability, safety and predictability— essential for a strong emotional connection.
Does this man that we can debunk the myth that women need just these qualities -stability, safety and predictability – to release their passion and sexual energy to their partner in a relationship?
That is a great question. The idea is strike a balance between our need for emotional connection with comfort and security, while actively, together as a couple, cultivating excitement. Knowing that keeping passion alive is a shared goal, you can embrace your conflict as a means for expressing your separate selves. Be curious about your opposing points of view instead of oppressing them. It is also helpful for couples to try new things together- seeing each other experience something for the first time is a great way to capture the mystery between you as is witnessing or watching our partners… Read more »
I wonder how much it is a matter of “releasing” that energy and passion to a long term partner and how much is deciding to go ahead and do it? How sincere is the letting go? Are they humoring and placating or truly expressing themselves? I’m sure it’s very different depending on the person. I’m afraid the newness is an issue and that in a long term relationship, for some people, it just doesn’t happen.
Nice article, Hilary! I see you’re in Denver – I’m about 2 hrs. north of you. I’ve found that with the men I work with, they have come to believe that there is no such thing as “constructive conflict”. One or both partners is in a “dirty fighting” mode and can’t disagree without making it personal – as in, “You always” and “You never” crap. I point out the importance of creating and EXPECTING respectful conflict. The most unattractive things about men and conflict are: 1. The man who fears it and avoids it. 2. The man who won’t stand… Read more »
Thank you Steve.
You sound like you’d be an Esther Perel fan, if you’re not already 🙂
Yes I am an Esther fan but Truth is shared by many!