Sorry, folks. Date nights and weekend escapes just won’t cut it. Staying together means getting down and dirty in other ways, too.
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Last week, I addressed the unsexy things you need to consider before committing. I wish I could tell you the “work” portion of your relationship ends there—that as long as you choose the right partner, you’re walking down Easy Street.
Truth be told, even relationships that are carefully and mindfully chosen need attention and care in order to be protected and maintained.
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Evaluate and Adjust Accordingly
One of my clients taught me the 25/75 rule. He said most human endeavors have a certain amount of dissatisfaction attached. This is true of jobs, for example. I love working with people, about 80% of what I do, but I dislike the documentation and wrangling with insurances companies that is another 20%. As jobs go, that’s an acceptable ratio. A person can be in a job they love, with 90% satisfaction and then along comes the new boss, WORSE than the old boss and the 90% dips to 30% and stays there. Time for a new job, maybe?
In relationships, it is wise to consistently evaluate our satisfaction and check in with our partners on their satisfaction. Addressing and re-evaluating our relationship satisfaction on an ongoing basis decreases the likelihood that one of us will wake-up staring down a 30/70 and think that it’s time to leave.
Wherever You Go, There You Are.
Relationships are their own entity. We bring our individual histories, world views, and methods of communication to them. Our partners do, too. Both partners can run the risk of bringing old relationship patterns or ghosts with them into a new relationship. We can’t run away from them or think they’ll just go away with someone new.
My relationship with my first wife was doomed because I always saw myself as a victim. I’d been abused as a kid and as I grew up, I was in a series of disastrous relationships before ever having met her.
I carried this victim view of myself into each of our interactions. It got us nowhere. I always felt put-upon, mistreated, or victimized. I reacted with defensiveness and a return volley of blame and anger. It wasn’t until I was ready to own that my own world-view was off and that I needed to think differently, that my relationships started to improve. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen until my first marriage had ended.
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Expect Conflict. Welcome It. Plan for It.
Conflict should be expected, even planned for, and certainly not avoided. Don’t wait until one of you is ready to blast a gasket. Conflict allows us to release tension. Conflict enables us to present a problem and then work together to solve it. Conflict is your friend, so anticipate it.
The goal is not to be conflict-free but to allow conflict to resolve tension and problem solve together
If conflict is unavoidable how do you keep it from becoming destructive? First of all, recognize that most conflicts aren’t one hundred percent one person’s fault. Self-reflection, accountability and personal responsibility are keys to conflict resolution. Think about taking full responsibility, not a penny less but also not a penny more. If your partner does the same, you will be able to solve the problems of your marriage more readily.
Rules of Engagement/Disengagement
Conflicts become destructive rather than constructive because of how we communicate them. Raising one’s voice doesn’t necessarily have to be too destructive nor is saying the word “f*#k.” However, saying “f*#k you” with vehemence to our partner puts us on a more slippery slope. In general, keeping our conflicts focused on how we feel and why instead of screaming and insulting will keep conflict from becoming destructive.
Another skill I teach couples and family members is how to disengage when things are escalating dangerously. When one partner’s anger is increasing, it may make good sense to call a temporary truce. This must be verbalized and done carefully so as to not be misconstrued. Simply getting up and walking out of an argument with your partner will be experienced as disrespectful. Telling your partner, “Let’s table this until we both calm down,” helps your partner to see that you want resolution and want to prevent the conflict from escalating, a more palatable communication.
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Put Conflict in Context.
Another aspect of conflict is context. Our arguments can stem from seemingly benign origins and can seem petty but are often about things beyond what we are arguing about. We may seem pissed about the top off the toothpaste but it’s really about not feeling respected or loved.
We have to communicate the context. Context can also be about the unseen details of our day. When I walk out of my office and into my living room I may be carrying the burdens and stresses of eight patients on my back, something my family may have no idea about. If my wife hits me with something at that moment I may respond snappishly. If I can communicate why, it becomes understandable to her. Communicate context.
Find Solutions.
Another lacking element in marriages is absence of a system for solutions. Conflict is a problem but also an opportunity to solve a problem. When I teach solutions-focused conflict to my clients they initially struggle, usually because their resentment has at least temporarily dehumanized their partner. People hold their positions in a death grip and refuse to let go. This escalates the anger and pain.
One way out of the pain is to acknowledge to your partner there is a problem and your part in it and then ask if you can work together on a solution. The question usually de-escalates the other party and gets you working together. The practical application of this concept in my marriage has resulted in a number of beneficial results. Our arguments are shorter, we more readily listen to one another and most importantly, we solve problems together. Over the years we have had some sharp, vehement fights but at the same time we have a confidence that we can form consensus and solve whatever problems come our way.
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Prevent the Marital Drift.
Many of the mature marriages that I see in my practice suffer from “marital drift.” That is, they have been pulled away from one another by work, children and the day to day burdens of life. They’ve stopped dating one another. The romance is gone, the sex sporadic, all work, no fun. Relationships have to be tended to in order to work. In the beginning when young, lust carries the day. When we get older, we are not going to be physically intimate unless we feel emotionally closer and we won’t feel emotionally closer unless we spend time together and communicate, all things we need to prioritize. So date, vacation with and romance each other. Make the time, even if it’s twenty minutes a day after the kids go to bed. Don’t accept marital drift as the norm. Fight it and you’ll be fighting with your partner less.
When In Doubt, Start Here:
I love you.
I appreciate you.
Thank you.
I forgive you.
I’m sorry.
Let’s talk about it.
Let me meet you half way.
How can we fix this?
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Photo: Moyan_Brenn/Flickr
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Mrs. Iverson: I somewhat loathe to dispense advice in this fashion as I do not know many particulars but this relationship is abusive on many different levels. I do not know your locale but I would encourage you to get help immediately. If you don’t know where to start there is a link below to trained personnel at a national domestic violence hotline. Call today and best of luck!
http://www.thehotline.org/
I’m at a dangerous crossroads. My husband and I have had a rough year. Long story short(er), he had built himself a makeshift I music studio in our basement last year and all but left me to take care of our infant son. He spent all of his time down there, stopped coming to bed, stopped socializing, and stopped sharing the parenting and housework. I felt completely alone and abandoned and when I expressed this, I got the blame. He only came upstairs to eat (I cooked), shower, and to occasionally have sex. I was fed up and started to… Read more »
Assuming you live in the United States, you don’t need his permission to divorce him. Say you’re going grocery shopping one afternoon and go file for divorce. Seek help from a center that provides resources for women with abusive partners.
Sounds great! Now all one needs is that opposite to ‘argue’ with!