In an Aikido Seminar, Hanshi taught with the bokuto (wooden sword). I practiced with a 12 year-old student. In the okuden (advanced training), the semei attacks the shite with the bokuto. The shite wins. The semei dies, although metaphorically. Just training. No fight.
Hanshi instructed that as the semei, you don’t cringe, you don’t defend against the shite’s bokuto strike. Stand straight and tall. Face the final strike. Face death. The profound purpose of the training.
Hanshi demonstrated as the semei. He attacked me with his bokuto. I waited out the attack. I stood in profile and let the bokuto pass me. I cut across his neck with my bokuto, although not literally. Hanshi stood straight and tall. He looked into my eyes. He said, “Look at the one who killed you.” His profound lesson: I face death with honor so that I live life with honor.
In Aikido, Ishibashi Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” I invite the attack. Don’t oppose the attack. When I defend, I can be defeated. In the center of the attack, in the danger, I choose who I am and what I do. Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” I’m my GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) opponent. It’s me against me.
When the 250-pound man punches to my face, I wait it out. I enter the attack and die with honor. I match his attack in my attack. I bring the attack to my center. I apply nikkyo (wristlock) to myself and match the attack with yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the head) to the attacker. I choose to let the attacker pass or end the attack. The attacker chooses to take the fall or stand down from his attack. I choose to give kindness or not. The attacker chooses to accept my kindness or not. We both choose.
I enter the attack, enter what I fear, and let go of my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside me. I stand straight and tall. I let go of my fear inside. I live with honor. Just train.
I work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I stand straight and tall facing my fear inside. I let go of my fear inside that I’ll never be good enough, the fear of Dad I had as a little boy. Looking back, I did the best that I could as that frightened little boy. I have only mad love and respect for 8-year-old Jon. I was the bravest I could be at that time, when I didn’t think so. I love myself for who I was and forgive myself for who I was not.
In experience with women and dating on Match dot com, I’m not what women want. I’m 5’ 3”. I’m not handsome. I definitely don’t look like Keanu Reeves or Hugh Jackman. I let go of my fear inside that I’m not good enough for women over, and over, and over again. There’s always some guy who is better than I am. That’s just life. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do.
I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a lot to do with what goes on inside me. I’m open to the possibility of falling madly and deeply in love. I keep my heart open. My heart is true – magokoro. Who knows? Lightning could strike.
I try to live with honor. Will I die with honor? Who knows. In the meantime, I just train.
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Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash
