His girlfriend can only see his ex when she looks at his son.
____
Dear GMP
I am in a close relationship with my long-term girlfriend but she won’t accept that I have kids from a previous relationship. We are close, good friends even, and can talk about it and everything is pretty good except for that. She is from a different culture to me that believes family is important and has difficulty accepting unusual family setups.
My eleven year old son comes to see me every other weekend and I have a good relationship with him.
My girlfriend does not want him in our lives and cannot stand being reminded of my ex (his mother) every time he visits. She cannot get past this and instead see him as an individual, no matter how much I try to talk to her or to convince her that she could try to just see him as the individual that he is.
I wondered if you have any suggestions as I have run out of ideas.
♦◊♦
Dear Reader,
I wonder if you see the contradictions in what you have written here:
You’re close and she’s a good friend but she can’t accept that you have a child.
She’s a long term girlfriend but she can’t accept reminders of your past with other women.
She believes in family but only intact families.
She’s showing you who she is here and I’d believe her.
|
Let me just cut to the chase here.
If she can’t accept your son, she’s not really accepting of you. Your son is a part of you, a part of who you are. If she can’t accept him or his presence in your life, there is a key part of you that she isn’t accepting or approving. I find myself questioning how loved and accepted you feel by her as a result.
____
You mention her culture and her values may be such that she can’t support being part of a blended family with you and your kids. What does it mean to you that her values don’t support the reality of your life? Do you think the relationship can really be a strong one if on some level, she’s disapproving of you?
I don’t imagine that you’re actually considering compromising your relationship with your kids by choosing her over them but you may be compromising it already by continuing this relationship with her now. You mention that she can’t see your son as an individual, only as a reminder of your previous relationship. If this is so, I wonder how she treats your son and how he feels about her.
She’s someone who’d be ok with a young boy growing up fatherless when he doesn’t have to.
|
Unfortunately, this relationship has nowhere good to go.
Your core values simply don’t align. She doesn’t want your son in your life. He is in your life. That is non-negotiable and pretending otherwise is insulting to you and your son.
She’s showing you who she is here and I’d believe her.
She’s someone who’d be ok with a young boy growing up fatherless when he doesn’t have to. She’s someone who would ask her partner to give up his relationship with his son for her.
She’s someone who can’t get past her own jealousy of a woman from your past to really see a boy standing in front of her for who he is on his own.
Regardless of what she adds to your life, she is trying to taking away much more. It’s time to let this go so you can find the love that is accepting of you and your kids—someone who not only tolerates your past but appreciates you for having one.
Best of luck.
This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: iStock
____
I have a girlfriend who is the same way as this woman is. I never bring up any past relationship but yet she always seems to bring up my daughters mother. I’m tired and throwing in the towel on this one. I have no feelings for my kids mother since we broke up 7 years ago she is only my kids mom. Now my daughter didn’t help the situation between them. Her jealousy of my girlfriend was beyond me. She knew I hadn’t even had a date for six years after her mother. We dated for several months before I… Read more »
I agree wholeheartedly with this response. I would also advocate for cutting the gentlemen a little bit of slack. He may not make all the right decisions, but he wrote in asking for advice. I would bet my bottom dollar he already knew the answer and he needed somebody to reinforce a very difficult decision he’s facing. We may not agree with why it’s difficult but for him it remains difficult. He’s learning.
I cannot even understand why he is even contemplating to “help” her to accept her son. Run the other way and don’t look bad. Let her go before she destroys the good relationship you have with him. Maybe date another single mom who understands the importance of being there for your kids.
Heather, you nailed it…! This guy needs to wake up and smell the hashish!! Coffee is too weak. I can only think right now of the man accused of killing his 3 yr old son in NJ. Just to be with a 17 yr. Hopefully, he will chose his soon over his girlfriend. The letter is weird…at least to me. First, he says they are in a LTR. But they are close and even good friends. My God I would hope they would be good friend! Who is in an LTR and not close friends? Unhealthy and dead relationships is… Read more »
The fact that you are even contemplating this issue is beyond words. Toss that girlfriend aside and take care of your son. Your son should be # 1. She is an insecure, self-centered, domineering psychopath and you are a fool for not having dumped her the second she said she doesn’t want your son in “your and her” life! Tell her, there is no life with her without your son, period! You men really need to start putting your kids first ahead of any woman that you are either currently sleeping with or are interested in sleeping with. You bet… Read more »
Amy Glass,
“You men really need to start putting your kids first ahead of any woman that you are either currently sleeping with or are interested in sleeping with.”
Absolutely!!!! I really don’t get him or other men who do these sorts of things. That kid needs his Dad. But, this Dad does not need this woman.
I think some of these comments are harsh , this guy is looking for advice to put his kid first and I am in the same position as him but with two kids , and that is why I am strolling through these comments , please remember people , if life was easy as walking away from things like a lot of people are suggesting then you are not giving someone an opportunity to change there thinking , change can only happen when the most crucial moment has hit its peak , and if my gf still knows that I… Read more »
Answer: You can’t. In a world that has become Pavlovian conditioned to hitting the eject button at the first wisp of trouble, unfortunately this is one where the further you go down this hole – the harder it is going to become to dig yourself out of it, and still come out whole. Question: Do you honestly believe that once your kid(s) turn 18, that they are somehow magically out of your life? Nope. It obviously will have morphed from asking about school & homework into, come over for dinner & share a beer. From the sound of it, I… Read more »