How Do I Figure Out My Flirting Style?

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now. I remember when I first got exposed to the ideas of personal responsibility and living with intent. Naturally, I hated it. Over the years I internalized these ideas to get where I am now. I’m no longer in student debt and I’m moving out of my unhappy family home very soon. I have an in-depth dating question but first I’d like to get some context out of the way as well as some very substantial progress I’ve made mentally.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things over the past 2 years. From jumping out of a plane to completely changing careers. My idea of who I am got broken, built up, broken again, and it has happened yet again. Only this time, who I am feels comfortably familiar. I was abused growing up. It didn’t come from my family, who were more neglectful due to circumstance, but rather my teachers and school staff. I was told over and over again how worthless I was and how I would never amount to anything. That I should have been more like my classmates. Never achieving, always behind. Always measured by a yardstick when I needed a meter stick. I am autistic, so my path has always been different from everyone else’s’. Of course, my abusers didn’t understand or care to understand this.

I was a happy-go-lucky kid. I had a childlike wonder and enthusiasm for life like no other. I laughed quickly as well as cried. I could endlessly talk about my passions like they were physically a part of me. I was goofy, kind and most of all: deeply intelligent (though I was taught to doubt this). I didn’t believe my abusers at first. I was just a confused kid wondering why these adults were being so mean to me. Eventually though, tragically, the dark words and manipulation began to stick. By 10 years old I was convinced I was worthless and wanted to die. I was 10. The loving kid who liked Animal Planet and Discovery Channel and could talk endlessly about Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, was dead.

And he stayed dead for almost two decades.

Until now.

I often grappled with the question “when will I be lovable.” And I’ve sent enough letters about it. Always convinced I needed to find some mythical “good enough” standard to be considered dateable but more importantly: worthy of existing. I tried so desperately to be cool. To learn cool skills, develop charisma, become that sexy somebody who could fuck any woman I wanted. I took the Grimes Test but took the absolute worst lesson from it ever.

Unless you are constantly improving, you are nothing.

Your worth is what you provide, not who you are.

“What do you bring to the table?” Didn’t become a question of what kind of person I was, but what my “sexual market value” was. Self-worth coming from the absolute most shallow, inconsequential places imaginable.

I obsessively compared myself to everyone who was doing “better” than me. I needed to be more, all the time. More this, more that. More, more, more. I never felt enough simply being who I was.

Until I realized something: I wasn’t comparing to other people, I was comparing to a magical, non-existent version of myself. A Shadow. One that was everything I wanted but would always be out of reach because I made it so.

So I stopped trying to be cool. And it has been the absolute best decision I have ever made. I looked the Shadow in the eye and told it “You Don’t Get to Speak for Me.” Ever since, the person I lost to abuse, has come back to life.

I’m myself again. After nearly 20 years, I’m myself again. I finally shed the mask that was forced onto me. I’m sure you’ve heard of the term “autistic masking.” That’s essentially what was done to me, only it was bolted to my face like an Uruk-Hai Berserker at Helm’s Deep. Any uniqueness, any edge or humanity, was scrubbed from my personality to be more palatable to neurotypicals.

I am making the executive choice to say “fuck that” and bring back my weird, goofy, wonderfully passionate self. I know it’s not “optimal.” I know it’s not the ripped, master chef, effortlessly charismatic cartoon character the Shadow whispered in my ear for decades.

But I don’t care. I don’t want to be perfect. I don’t want to be cool. I don’t want to be optimal. I want to be ME.

I was at a drive through and saw a dog-shaped cloud and laughed at it for like 10 min because it made me happy. I like to make weird jokes that people probably won’t get but I don’t care because I find them funny. I want to gush about the things I love because I love them. I want to be kind to people because it’s important and everyone should be kind.

Now don’t get me wrong, I will continue to grow as a person until the day I die. But now it’s gonna be on my own terms. Not in accordance with someone else’s.

This finally brings me to my question: what would flirting look like for me? I know that at its core it’s just showing interest in a fun way and communicating it to someone with vulnerability and sincerity. But I’m still trying to figure that out as I’ve tried some flirting styles in accordance with the mask I wore but now that the mask dropped, I’m kind of back to square one. A pretty good comparison to me personality wise is Jacksepticeye. He is also autistic and we’re very similar people. Bubbly, happy, and have endless joy we want to share with the world. Probably not the most stereotypically “masculine” but I don’t care to be what’s en vogue.

So I guess that’s it. What might it look like for me, given all I’ve provided. Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me, and helped me do for myself.

Sincerely,

The Unmasked

I’m glad to hear about all the progress you’ve made, TU, and how you’re returning to your most authentic and honest self. That’s incredibly important, not just for dating and relationships but for having a good and satisfying life. I’ve talked before about having been in the PUA scene and watching a LOT of the folks I hung out with hit serious downward spirals that, in a couple of cases, ended with them in the hospital or worse. Almost every time, it was because they were trying to be someone that they thought they were “supposed” to be, instead of who they were.

That’s damaging under the best of circumstances. It’s even moreso when you’re dealing with being neurodivergent or you have issues with depression or emotional dysregulation. So finding (or returning to) your true self, embracing it and honoring it is a huge, huge step in the right direction.

It’s also a reminder of an important point: fun beats “cool”, hands down, every time. Which, conveniently enough, is also how we’re gonna segue into the answer to your question.

The thing about flirting is that the way you flirt can be as varied and unique as the person doing the flirting. This is because there’s no one way to flirt. There’s an underlying principle to flirting correctly, but the method – and the people those methods work for – are going to look differently depending on who’s doing the flirting.

The issue at hand is that a lot of people think flirting is how you generate attraction – that if you know how to do it right, you’ll be irresistible. But that’s not the case. Flirting isn’t generating attraction; flirting is the expression of attraction. The core of flirting is very simple: you’re telling someone you like them, in a way that’s enticing and fun, and ideally, you’re encouraging them to have fun with you. That’s where the reciprocal attraction comes from – the fact that someone is enjoying and appreciating the time they’re spending with you.

Flirting is also a subtle way of screening for people who are right for you. Flirting, after all, doesn’t work if it’s not fun for everyone involved. While there is a skill aspect to it, if someone’s idea of fun or enjoyment doesn’t line up with yours, you’re probably not going to be a good match. One person’s banter is another person’s tedious ‘why can’t you ever be serious’ or, worse, feels like negging. That implies a mismatch; if they’re not enjoying it, then that may well be a sign that your personalities won’t mesh the way you would need for a strong or serious relationship.

If folks aren’t responding well to your flirting, it’s good to both ask if your flirting style needs a little polish… but it also is worth asking if you’re flirting with the right people. Yeah, you want to flirt in a way that other people will respond to… but if it’s something that’s not in alignment with who you are as a person, then you aren’t going to be enjoying it. And if you’re not enjoying the flirting that the other person responds to, the odds are good that you’re not going to enjoy a long-term relationship with them. After all, if you feel like you have to act in ways that aren’t authentic to who you are in order to express interest and find reciprocal interest, it stands to reason that this is going to be a trend in the rest of the relationship.

The trick to finding your flirting style is knowing yourself and expressing yourself in an authentic manner. If you’re someone who, for example, likes banter and word play, then a more teasing and playfully antagonistic form of flirting might work for you. If you’re someone who’s more sincere and direct, then banter may not work for you, but appreciation and enthusiasm might work better, instead. Something along the lines of “hey, I would love for you to introduce your favorite thing to me”, for example, will hit some folks like an atomic bomb – the idea that someone wants to hear all their thoughts about KPop Demon Hunters will be like their birthday, Christmas and Hogswatch all at the same time.

Recognizing and embracing your personality into your flirting is also helpful for building and maintaining emotional momentum. One form of flirting – that folks often don’t recognize as flirting – is “pebbling”. The name stems from the way that male gentoo penguins will seek out a great pebble to present to potential mates; it’s an offer of the first stone to building a nest. In a flirting context, pebbling is finding and sharing something that’s either relevant to the other person’s interests, or that they might find interesting, funny or sweet. It’s a way of saying “I’ve been paying attention to the things you like and I wanted to bring you more of it.” You’re showing that you care, not just by bringing something you think they’d enjoy, but showing that you understand and respect their interests and passions.

The fact that you’ve been returning to your authentic self is an opportunity to think about the ways you’d like to express interest and the ways you like to have fun with people, as well as the ways that the people you’d most like to date would have fun. Since you’re prioritizing fun and joy, perhaps that’s where you should start: both sharing the things that bring you joy and being curious and interested in what brings other people joy. As an exercise, you might want to think of how to “pitch” your interests to folks – what about it do you find fascinating or fun and why? What got you into it, what about it speaks to you and how would you describe this to someone who may be encountering it for the first time? People make jokes about the whole “It’s X Meets Y” formula for books, TV, movies or video games, but this comparison to something familiar makes for an easy entrance into a topic; it gives the other person a familiar starting place that can make it feel less strange, esoteric or intimidating.

The benefit of this exercise is that you can then turn it around; if you can explain your interests and how they hit you just right, you then have a structure about how to ask about someone else’s interests. So what is it about this genre of music or that sport or that hobby that speaks to them? How’d they get into it? You can even get playful with it by inviting them to be a little self-aggrandizing; if they had to impress $CELEBRITY_JUDGE, how would they go about doing it? What would they pick as an example, how would they make it their own and so on.

And that part’s important; flirting is reciprocal. It’s not showing off, it’s sharing. Guys who use humor in their flirting, for example, have to be careful that they’re not just performing. There’s a difference between being silly and jokey and testing your tight five, after all. You want the person you’re flirting with to flirt back, whether that means volleying teases right back or having the opportunity to gush over their favorite things, to playfully invite you to “chase” them or what have you. When they do, you want to respond positively; if someone says “oh, I love watching vocal coaches reacting to $SONGS” and you go into a rant about how they just interrupt a song and drag a 3 minute ditty into a 20 minute YouTube video, then all you’re doing is shutting them down. Instead, it’s better to say “I’ve never really gotten into that; what do you like about it?” and let them explain it. Even if you still don’t like it, the fact that you can appreciate that they do and want to understand why it has meaning for them is appealing.

The last thing I will tell you is that flirting is a skill, and the only way to improve it is to do it. You can theorize all you want, but none of that will help without actually putting it into practice out in the field. While it may be awkward at first, any mistakes will help you fine tune your approach. If things seem to be falling flat, change it up a little and see if taking a different angle works better. That trial and error will help you find the way that works best for you and with the people you like.

So take that introspection and unearthing you’ve been doing and play around with it. Think about what you would like to share with others and how, and then use that as a basis for encouraging them to share with you. It may take a little practice, but before long, you’ll be flirting like a champ.

Good luck.

***

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m in a situation that has me genuinely confused. My girlfriend complains that we don’t have enough sex. From my perspective, I always thought she, as a woman, would feel relieved that I don’t push for it as much.

For years I worked on reducing my sexual desire through meditation, discipline, and channeling my energy into other aspects of life. My reasoning was that male sexual desire is naturally stronger, and that by lowering mine I would actually make things easier for her.

Here’s what confuses me: if heterosexual female desire were as strong as male desire, wouldn’t we see more evidence of it in everyday life? Women openly seeking sex, a whole market built around it, etc.? Since I don’t observe that, I assumed my girlfriend would appreciate my lower libido rather than feel frustrated by it.

Now I find myself surprised that she wants more, and I don’t understand. Am I misinterpreting the difference between male and female desire? How can I reconcile the discipline I’ve built in managing my impulses with my girlfriend’s needs?

Thank you,

Namast3

Alright, I’m going to be honest – when I got this letter, I nearly tossed it aside as an obvious shitpost. But as I’ve said many times before: I’m not overly concerned about folks trying to slip fake or bullshit letters past me if there’s something for other readers to take away from it.

And considering how often “women say they want this but men say they don’t, who should I believe” comes up… well, this is at least more plausible than some letters I’ve answered.

So: yes, you’re misinterpreting the difference between male and female desire. The idea that men are the lustier gender is actually very recent; for a very long time, it was assumed that women were, in fact, the more sexual gender. Ovid wrote about how Tiresias was force-femmed by the gods in order to settle a bet over who likes sex more, declaring definitively that women did. Medieval folklore, likewise, was full of female witches and demons who tricked or coerced men into fulfilling their insatiable needs.

I’d also point out that there are a number of women in history who were rather famous for being hornt up. One of my favorites is Julie d’Aubigny, a French opera singer and flagrant disaster bisexual, who would repeatedly beat men in duels after having been caught flirting with their wives and who burned down a convent as part of a plan to rescue one of her lovers.

It wasn’t until the late 19^th and early 20^th century when the view started to shift – a process that was promoted, in part, by the proto-feminist movement of the time. The idea was that men were the more bestial and base of the genders, and it was on women – who were more spiritual and “pure” to help them reign in their animal lusts and impulses – a belief that has continued well into the modern era.

But to assume that women were uninterested in sex or that there isn’t a series of industries supporting that interest requires a certain amount of nearly deliberate ignorance. Magazine racks and book shelves have been littered with guides and advice for women on attracting men and having better sex. Shows likeSex in the City and Fleabag put female desire front and center and movies like Fatal Attraction portray that desire as powerful and terrible. The Twilightbooks were not shy about how much Bella wanted to bone Edward and I have no idea how you could’ve missed the entire 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon that brought BDSM to middle-America. And that’s not counting the literal terabytes of woman-written smut, from romance novels to fanfic on An Archive of Our Own that’s spicier than hardware store hot sauce.

Shit, you can find vibrators for sale on the racks at CVS and Walgreens, while you still have to go to the counter and show ID to get allergy pills.

So, I can’t help you with why you haven’t seen this, because it hasn’t exactly been hidden.

The reason why women aren’t as openly seeking sex or wanting sex in their personal lives is because society still punishes them for it, especially if they’re seeking then “wrong” kind of sex or in the “wrong” way. Witness the hue and cry over every female singer, from Madonna to Sabrina Carpenter, from Sade to 20 Fingers, to Khia, to Lizzo and Cardi B. for singing or rapping about wanting to get dicked down like a champion. Every time, there’s been a clutching of pearl necklaces and fluttering hands about how awful it all is and what sort of example they’re spreading. Even basic sexual and reproductive health care for women, from hormonal birth control to HPV vaccines are treated as though they encourage “innocent young maidens” to become rapacious Jezebels.

And of course, guys have a tendency to lose their shit when women are more open about their sexual interest; part of the reason for all the ‘tradwife’ fetish material that showed up everywhere was catering to dudes who get uncomfortable around the flouting of “traditional” gender roles in the dating scene.

So yes, Namast3, women do, in fact get horny. In fact, women’s capacity for sexual desire is as varied as men’s; just as men can be asexual or have low libidos, women can be absolute fuck-monsters. The difference is a combination of social opprobrium and the fact that sex – from pregnancy to the spread of STIs to physical assault – is riskier for women than it is for men.

But even if this wasn’t the case, there’s still the matter of you talking to your girlfriendabout what she wantsinstead of just making assumptions. It would be one thing if this were a case of mismatched libidos, where she would like to be having sex more often than you; that happens quite frequently, especially among couples who don’t prioritize sexual compatibility when they’re looking for a relationship. But instead, this was you unilaterally assuming that you knew your girlfriend better than she did and apparently not bothering to check in with her.

Here’s a handy rule of thumb: if “common sense” says one thing about what women want and your girlfriend says another, side with your girlfriend. I promise you: she knows what she wants far better than a bunch of angry single guys and slapdick grievance peddlers on Reddit whose chief source is “Dude, Trust Me”.

How do you “resolve” the difference between your discipline and your girlfriend’s desires? Well, I guess you decide which is more important for you: continuing to repress yourself until you’re single again and you can find someone who’s not as horny, or a lot more banging with your girlfriend.

Your call.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.