How Do We Even Know Who to Love?

Everyone deserves love, but I will drop the political correctness momentarily and say that not everyone deserves love from you or me.

If we’re to be more selective with who we love, how do we tell who’s right for us?

Who do we love?

How do we know who the “safe” people are?

Who do we need to filter out of our lives to maintain peace and sanity?

1. They’re “qualified” for a relationship

4 Lessons I Wish I’d Learn Earlier in My Search For a More Compatible Partner
We may often make an assumption — a blindspot in our own thinking that is costing time.
medium.com

1. Does this relationship “make sense”?

Are you both sexually compatible?
Do you get along with this person?

A wholehearted yes is the only answer. Anything less, and you may need to rethink dating this person.

2. Do your values align?

The honeymoon phase of any relationship will end. In a long-term relationship, love needs more than chemistry and connection to flourish.

The reason is compatibility is the structure — the foundation of a relationship, whereas chemistry and connection are the “decorations”.

3. Are you both on an upward trend and growing together?

If you’re not growing in the relationship, you’re growing apart.

If they’re self-reflecting, changing habits, and developing into a more complete version of themselves, and you are not, the relationship will be in jeopardy.

Growth is critical to self-esteem. We need to select partners who have the growth potential. You don’t want to stagnate, do you?

4. Do they want more than just a title of “partner”?

If you ever hear someone use phrases like these:

“I’m terrified of a relationship.”
“I don’t want to build a life with someone.”
“Just think of me as your ‘person’.”

Even if they may yearn for a relationship, they don’t want to be your partner.

Hell, some people even agree to things they don’t want and won’t communicate it. Even so, I’ve been with people who have agreed to commitment only to get cold feet weeks later.

It’s one of the most selfish things someone can do.

Even if someone doesn’t say these phrases outright, their attitude may reflect cynicism. A relationship with someone jaded, bitter, sexist, or focused on negativity is not an ideal match.

While it’s possible to love someone with these traits or attitudes, you’ll get nothing but unrequited love. They don’t reciprocate. Most of the relationship with this person will be you chasing them.

Unrequited love is a complete waste of your time, energy, and a threat to your mental health.

Find people who deserve your love.

People who will give back. The best thing you can do is select emotionally available people, who can love, and know what it takes for a real relationship to function.

2. They reciprocate in the relationship

In the last few years, I’ve dealt with a few “unpleasant” breakups. I’d rather call them discards because these were not amicable, mutual endings.

A new perspective on discards has helped me through some of the grief. I learned this from YouTube (yes, I know), but it helped me see relationships differently.

As an analogy, have you ever done a group project in school with another person?

Maybe you get paired with a great partner. Everything flows smoothly and the experience is enjoyable.

Or…

You get paired with a negative, apathetic, lazy, and unmotivated partner.

As such, you do 99% of the work, and they still get credit and a good grade for participating. Or worse, they quit and don’t show up to class and you’re left wondering “What am I supposed to do now?”

Then you internalize it as your fault.

This is what it’s like in a relationship, or should I say “situationship” with an emotionally unavailable partner. They get your love, validation, and support without giving anything in return.

The only difference is you’re trying to build “something real” with someone who isn’t capable of that task.

When I re-framed my idea of relationships from something serious to “Let’s do this group project together”, it helped me through some of the grief. The breakup wasn’t as personal as it once was.

There’s less pressure to worry about how it’s a reflection of you.

Earlier, one of the qualifiers was “Do they want to be a partner?” Love needs two people for it to work. Do they reciprocate? Are they as enthusiastic as you are about a future together?

People want the “benefits” of a relationship: fun, sex, intimacy, validation, companionship, etc… without the effort or the “not-so-enjoyable” parts that make a relationship work.

The dates you go on with that person should feel fun and light. They should be excited to go out and spend time with you, otherwise, what’s the point?

Or are they flaking, making excuses, or avoiding your messages?

I’ve been in relationships where I felt like if I stopped reaching out, the relationship would fade away on its own. Some of them very likely would. I held on too long and naturally, anxiety started to creep in as a warning.

Do they have a real dialogue with you?

Unfortunately, the end of many relationships is caused by a failure to adequately articulate our thoughts and feelings to our partners.

Are dislikes being routinely expressed?

For a variety of reasons (some of which aren’t directly related to the relationship), we feel unsafe expressing our wants and needs.

You and your partner need to be willing to express your vulnerabilities through communication. If healthy disagreements aren’t happening, that’s not good. This is a clear sign of “people-pleasing”.

This leads to resentment, which only poisons a relationship to its breaking point.

3. You’re both on the same level of self-esteem

I’ve noticed that I attract and am drawn to people who have about the same amount of self-esteem as I do.

It’s hard to explain, but from experience, one of the reasons the relationship with a particular partner ended was that we grew apart.

But why do people grow apart in the first place?

One person grows while the other does not, or not as fast. Even worse, both people regress and regress at different rates.

We were both emotionally unavailable, and this made the relationship stagnate and toxic.

Most of the subsequent relationships I have had were always ended by the person with a lower self-esteem.

While there’s not time to go into depth about every relationship, from what I knew about some of my partners is that they weren’t putting in the time and effort to self-reflect and become a “whole” person.

Some of these people knew this, and it was only a matter of time before we grew apart.

Conversely, in another relationship, I felt “weaker” than my partner. It seemed like she could always see right through me, and it was incredibly discomforting.

When I knew the relationship was coming to a close, I thought about how I was going to approach it.

“You deserve someone better. I’m just not the person who you need to be with.”

While I have an anxious attachment style, I still express avoidant traits in the way I operate in relationships occasionally.

Love, attraction, or chemistry draws people together with a similar level of self-esteem. This is why we might feel afraid to approach people “out of our league” because we pick up on subtle clues that indicate they seem “too good” or “not enough”.

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Sometimes it can be hard to know who to love. Often, it’s even out of our control.

If you make a conscious effort to select the “right” people who deserve your love, dating, and relationships become easier to navigate.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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